Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Your excuse that your dog ate your homework will yield an unexpected A
since your assignment was to develop a tastier flavor of dog food.
Taurus: (April 20-May 20)
Now would be a good time to call your mother and tell her you love her. A really good time. Like before Wednesday. If on Wednesday, definitely before noon.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
After years of neglect and disinterest, you will suddenly be seized by the
desire to complete your Eurythmics collection.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
You will be diagnosed as malignant and removed today. Try not to take it
personally.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your belief that your television is speaking to you will be put to the
test when you stumble upon the mute button.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Romance will enter your life soon. Unfortunately, it will be a romance between two people who are not you.
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Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Saturn enters your house this week. The stars are sick and tired of trying
to be subtle with you, so this means that someone will drive their Saturn
into your house this week.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
They say a stitch in time saves nine, but they don't say nine what. Now would
be a good time to find out.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You'll find you're in for swift reprisals this week when you violate the first rule of Fight Club.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Get a head start on learning Braille; it could come in handy sooner than you think.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Events this week will cause you to realize that not only does everyone
hate you, but they have good reason to.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Now is a good time to pay attention to the little things, especially the
little things that can give you tetanus.
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