Attorney General John Ashcroft ruled the photo taken of him at Thursday's press conference unflattering and illegal, as his mouth was open in a sort of funny way. Here, in its place, is a pleasant, neutral picture of the Capitol Building.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attorney General John Ashcroft held a press conference Thursday to announce the first wave of crackdowns on Internet "humor" sites as a result of the Lott-Helms Anti-Satire Bill signed into law by President Bush Wednesday.

The bill, which passed with an overwhelming majority in both the Senate and the House of Representatives, makes it a felony to ridicule, mock, make light of, or criticize the United States, its Government, or any elected official. It also extends special powers to law enforcement officials, including the ability to seize property and make arrests without warrants, so as to expedite the removal of all such illegal speech.

"We have sent a clear message to the people who keep making fun of us," Ashcroft said. "Keep it up, and we're going to put you away."

Ashcroft singled out "subversive" Internet sites such as Seanbaby.com, The Brunching Shuttlecocks, The Joe Bob Report and Something Awful as having been among the new law's first targets, with others to come in the next several days.

Seanbaby, whose work had previously attracted the attention of the Secret Service, was said to be working on a Probe article entitled "Government Goes Ga-Ga Over Stupid Shit" at the time of his arrest.

"We will not stop until there is no trace of laughter remaining in this great nation," Ashcroft said. "God bless America," he added.

After the press conference, Senator Trent Lott (R-Mississippi), co-sponsor of the law, spoke to reporters on the steps of the Capitol.
"We have eliminated these so-called 'humor sites' first because they're run by people who apparently have nothing better to do than to compromise the integrity of our great nation's government," Lott said. "And the breadth of the law is such that it's not only illegal to create such sites, but also to view them."

One reporter who questioned whether the law was Constitutional was immediately arrested on the spot. His whereabouts are currently unknown. Lott was asked no further questions.

Computer users are urged to check their web browser's cache for illegal material, and, if they find said material, to immediately turn themselves in.

Senator Jesse Helms (R-North Carolina) expressed his reservations that the law was not strong enough. "These people are terrorists, pure and simple," said Helms. "We should be able to kill them on sight, but some namby-pambies from across the aisle voted that part out."

Helms is said to be working on further legislation which he considers would be "less of a compromise."

With dozens of website writers, editors and designers already behind bars, the next phase of Operation Shut Up will target newspaper columnists and editorial cartoonists. This will be followed by the rounding up of talk radio personalities, political commentators and Mark Russell for immediate deprogramming and re-education.

Congressmen from both parties were quick to praise the efficiency which law enforcement officials have shown.

"I've been after Hollywood to clean up its act for years and the industry has been slow to respond," said Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-Connecticut). "Now, by God, we have the power to clean it up for them."

"And Saturday Night Live, if you ever decide to do biting political humor again, just watch out," Lieberman added.

When asked if he was pleased to know that he would no longer be hearing jokes about his age, Senator Strom Thurmond (R-South Carolina) replied, "Huh? I'm awake! I'm awake. What?"

Olive editors Kevin Pease (left) and Craig J. Clark, being taken into custody soon after the completion of this issue.

ACLU representative Thomas River denounced the law as a severe violation of civil liberties, especially freedom of speech. "Freedom to criticize one's elected officials is one of the cornerstones upon which this country was founded," he said. River was arrested for treason and executed the same day.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one SatireWire writer who managed to escape the government's dragnet described the situation as "dire." "I mean, I'm taking a big chance just talking to you about this," the self-described "satirefugee" said. "Any minute now, a big black car could pull up outside of this phone booth and-- Uh, oh."

The Olive, which has heretofore escaped the government's attention, is one of the last remaining holdouts. "We've been flying under their radar, so to speak," said Olive co-editor Craig J. Clark, "but we can't expect that to last the way they're cracking down."

Olive co-editor Kevin Pease added, "I wouldn't be surprised if the Olive disappeared tomorrow."





© Copyright 2002 Craig J. Clark and Kevin Pease. All rights reserved.