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Bill Gates Demands Big Cereal; Cites Wealth, Power HONEYCOMB HIDEOUT -- "I'm the president of a big company, and I need a big cereal!" proclaimed Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, breaking down the door of the clubhouse last Tuesday. At first, the Honeycomb kids were skeptical, observing his stature and suggesting a medium-sized cereal such as Kix or Froot Loops. Gates insisted that with regards to the economic power of Microsoft and his personal monetary worth, he was very big indeed, and repeated his demand. The kids then conceded, and offered him a bowl of Honeycomb, which they reassured him was big, holding a piece up to a ruler to demonstrate. "It's not small, no, no, no," elaborated the Honeycomb kids. Gates agreed that the cereal had "a big, big taste and a big, big bite." Honeycomb, with eight vitamins and minerals, is a part of this complete breakfast. Chick Tract Converts First Nonbeliever ONTARIO, CALIFORNIA -- Jack T. Chick, owner of Chick Publications, announced Friday that after 37 years and the publication of 132 of his cartoon tracts, one of them has actually managed to convert a nonbeliever to Christianity. "Just the other day, I received word that 'The Thief,' a humorous tract I drew in 1993 about a burglar breaking into the home of a Christian, was responsible for a real-life criminal's acceptance of Christ into his life," Chick said. "I always said if my work resulted in one person being saved, then it has all been worth it. Well, Marvin Nance of Boston, Massachusetts, is that one man, so I can now die happy." Chick then promptly died, only halfway through his latest tract, "The Trouble with Harry," which was to reveal the awful truth behind the Harry Potter books. Manhattan Bagel Still Unsure What To Do About Its Logo EATONTOWN, NEW JERSEY -- Executives of New World Restaurant Group, Inc. have for the past seven months been trying to decide if the logo for its Manhattan Bagel chain of "fast casual" bagel restaurants should be redesigned. The current logo prominently features a stylized New York City skyline, including the silhouette of the World Trade Center. "When the buildings collapsed, everyone knew right away there would be an issue," said Bradley Torus, Vice President of Marketing. "We just can't figure out whether the logo should be changed, and if so, when. Half the nation's industries are obliged to eliminate any reference to the [World Trade Center] Towers, and the other half are obliged to keep reminding people [of the attacks]... Nobody else in the restaurant industry has been put in this position yet, and so we don't know which tack we're supposed to take. I'm afraid that no matter what we do, somebody will find it inappropriate." A shareholder meeting held on March 3 reached a consensus that it was still too soon to take any action, but yielded no further decision on the future of the logo. New World has been able to stall the opening of new Manhattan Bagel franchises by substituting other chains, inculding Einstein Bros. Bagels, acquired in June of last year, but "we can't keep that up for long," said Torus. "A Manhattan Bagel doesn't need to look any different than the average deli, but an Einstein needs all that light-brown Starbucksy furniture and stuff, which costs money." Torus indicated that a logo without any kind of skyline could be introduced in the future, but only "after people start taking their flags down at night, which could be years." |
Internet "Humor" Sites First Casualties Of Anti-Satire Legislation 
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attorney General John Ashcroft held a press conference Thursday to announce the first wave of crackdowns on Internet "humor" sites as a result of the Lott-Helms Anti-Satire Bill signed into law by President Bush Wednesday.
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Resident Evil Game Turned Into Movie, Spam Suburbanite Confused By City Parking Signs I Had No Idea They Were Going To Use My Photo For That Ask Someone Who Takes Everything Way Too Personally
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