Fornication with the Evil One Himself

By CRAIG J. CLARK


Start on a woman named DORIS sitting alone at a table for two at a restaurant. It's kind of fancy, but not too expensive. After a couple of seconds, she is joined by GINA.

GINA - Hi, Dor. Sorry I'm late.
DORIS - That's okay. Sit down. I've already ordered for us.
GINA - Oh, good. You got me my usual?
DORIS - Yes.
GINA - Good.
DORIS - Oh, Gina.
GINA - What?
DORIS - There's something I simply must tell you.
GINA - What?
DORIS - Promise you won't tell a soul.
GINA - I promise. Now, what?
DORIS - I've been unfaithful to Peter.
GINA - No!
DORIS - Yes.
GINA - When?
DORIS - Last weekend at Susan's costume party.

Cut to the party. People are circulating around a big house, dressed up in bizarre costumes.

DORIS (V.O.) - Peter was away on business so I had to go by myself.
GINA (V.O.) - I remember. You went as Tinkerbell from Peter Pan.

We catch sight of DORIS dressed as Tinkerbell, standing with a drink by the snacks. She is talking to someone dressed as Santa Claus.

DORIS (V.O.) - That was a good costume. Unfortunately, most of the night I was cornered by this loser dressed in a Santa suit.

Cut back to the restaurant.

GINA - You didn't ... do it with him, did you?
DORIS - No, of course not. Jesus. Anyway...

Back to the party

DORIS (V.O.) He just wouldn't leave me alone...
SANTA - That's a really nice costume you have there.
DORIS - Yes, you said that already.
SANTA - Oh. You know, I always go to these kinds of parties as Santa Claus.
DORIS - Really? Why?
SANTA - I don't know. I usually can't think of anything else to go as.
DORIS - Uh huh. (V.O.) Thank God you and Brad came over and saved me.

We see GINA and her boyfriend, BRAD, go over to them and break into the conversation. They are dressed as John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

GINA (V.O.) - Yeah, well you looked pretty miserable. Say, you never said what you thought of our costumes.
DORIS (V.O.) - Oh, they were great. Brad's accent was pretty pitiful, though.
GINA (V.O.) - Yes, it was. I told he had to work on it.

We see SANTA's face has gone all sour and soon he walks away.

DORIS (V.O.) - But at least it drove Old Saint Nick away.
GINA (V.O.) - Yes. Oh, the food's here!

Cut back to the restaurant as the WAITER arrives with the food and serves it to them. After he leaves, they resume their conversation.

GINA - So?
DORIS - So what?
GINA - So how did it happen?
DORIS - How did what happen?
GINA - You know...
DORIS - What?

GINA makes a gesture with her food that makes DORIS remember.

DORIS - Oh, right.

Cut to the party, which is in full swing. DORIS is sitting by herself, over in a corner.

DORIS (V.O.) - Well, at the party, there was this guy dressed up as the Devil.

The camera picks him out. He is staring at DORIS.

DORIS (V.O.) - He was eyeing me all night.

SATAN, drink in hand, strides forward, walking effortlessly through the crowd that parts to give him a path straight to DORIS. When he reaches her, he nods in the direction of the host's bedroom. After a monent of hesitation, they both go in. Cut back to the restaurant. GINA is astonished.

GINA - No!
DORIS - Yes.
GINA - I don't believe it. I don't believe you would do a thing like that.
DORIS - Well, believe it, because I did.
GINA - And how was it?
DORIS - Oh, it was incredible. I never had it like that before in life.
GINA - Had it like what?
DORIS - Well, the way he did it to me. You know...

She makes a motion with her food that makes GINA understand.

GINA - Oh, like that. So who was he?
DORIS - I don't know. He never told me his name. As a matter of fact, he never said much of anything. Anyway, he left soon after so I didn't have the chance to find out. It doesn't matter, though. It was great sex and Peter never has to know about it.
GINA - Uh huh.

They eat for a few seconds. Then...

GINA - Wait a minute.
DORIS - What?
GINA - I don't remember seeing anybody at the party who was dressed up as the Devil.
DORIS - What? Of course there was.
GINA - Well, if there was, I didn't see him, and I saw just about everybody as they came in.
DORIS - What are you saying?
GINA - I'm saying I didn't see anybody dressed in a Devil costume.
DORIS - Then who did I...?

Cut to Hell. SATAN is in a firepit, sitting on a throne, bragging to his minions who are all gathered around him.

1ST MINION - So you really did it, boss? You really did it with a human?
SATAN - You better fucking believe I did. Beelzebub was there. He'll tell you.

Cut to a shot of BEELZEBUB sitting off to one side. He was the one dressed as Santa Claus. Cut back.

2ND MINION - So what did you do? Did you do the thing where you were invisible to everyone else but her?
SATAN - Yeah. Beelzebub didn't, but I did.
1ST MINION - What was she like, boss?
SATAN - Shut up for a minute and I'll tell you. Ooh, after not having it since I knocked up that Rosemary chick, this one was terrific. She was exquisitely beautiful. And she was dressed like an angel, which made the whole experience all the more erotic.
BEELZEBUB - Actually, sir, she was Tinkerbell from Peter Pan.
SATAN - Oh, shut up. Like I care. She still got my loins a-pumpin'.
MINIONS - And did you impregnate her? Did you? Did you? Did you?
SATAN - We'll have to see. You never know. She may be on the pill or something.
BEELZEBUB - But sir. She was raised a Catholic.
SATAN - All the more reason to worry...

Pull up and fade to black. The end.


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P.S. All materials on this page are copyright 1998 by Craig J. Clark, in case you didn't know.