The MST3K One-Act Play Project

The concept is simple: Take the movies shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and write extremely short plays based on them. It's just a shame that I didn't think of it first. Actually, Joe Blevins originated the MST3K one-act play phenomenon when he started posting his plays to the newsgroup rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc in the summer of 1998, beginning with episode #909, Gorgo.

When I entered the fray in the summer of 1999, he was already most of the way through the tenth (and final) season. This was enough to spark my interest, however, and I decided to pick up the slack, writing plays for the first eight movies in season nine. Then, once that was finished, I began tackling season eight, and I would have finished it, too, if it hadn't been for that meddling Joe, who stepped in and posted his Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies play before I could get mine past the title stage, where it had been stalled for close to a year.

With the SCI FI era complete, we set to work on the bountiful Comedy Central era. I contributed some new plays and for a while there Joe was just cranking them out -- sometimes two or more a day -- until he ran out of Rhino episodes. Then he moved onto the Shorts, which were ambitious in scope and yielded some real gems. And when that ran out of steam, we both took some time off, until Joe came up with:

  • [ONE-LINE] The MST3K One-Line Play Project -- We traded off for a little while, doing super-brief plays based on the movies Gamera, Viking Women and the Sea Serpent, Last of the Wild Horses, Earth vs. the Spider, The Painted Hills and Invasion U.S.A. If any more appear, this is where they'll show up. [originally posted 09/14-26/02]

    In the meantime, here are the balance of our plays -- including a brand new one I've written written based on The Amazing Colossal Man. Check 'em out:

    COMEDY CENTRAL-ERA PLAYS BY JOE BLEVINS

  • [SHORTS] A Child's Garden of One-Act Plays -- All of the shorts on the Shorts, Vol. I tape get the one-act play treatment, and boy, do they get the works. Joe's crowning achievement. (It's also quite long, so make sure you have enough time to read the whole thing in one sitting.) [originally posted 03/31/02]

  • [SHORTS2] A Child's Second, Smaller Garden of One-Act Plays -- This time Joe takes a shot at the contents of Shorts, Vol. 2. Also on the long side, but just as hilarious. [originally posted 04/03/02]
  • Joe also posted this trailer, which starts out "In a world..." so you know it's accurate.

  • While we're waiting for Joe to complete his Shorts, Vol. 3 play, back on April 12 he posted this rejected play based on "Out of This World," the short about an angel and devil fighting over a bread salesman.

  • [106] I Wanna Hold Your Crawling Hand -- Behind the scenes of the shooting of The Crawling Hand, which somehow ends up as a big musical number. How does he do that? [originally posted 03/24/02]

  • [107] Ro-man Holiday -- Ro-man and his boss have a heart-to-heart. Somehow Cat Stevens is involved. [originally posted 03/16/02]

  • [202] I Think We're Getting Sidehacked Here (or: Two Pages the Hard Way) -- Rommel and Luke have a chat while working on motorcycles in their garage. With special guest appearance by a special guest. [originally posted 03/26/02]

  • [204] That Darn Catalina Caper (Or: "Never Say Never Steal Anything Wet Again") -- The whole gang gets together at a ski lodge for another crazy, extremely dated musical adventure! Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 03/03/02]

  • [209] Hellcat in a Nice Air-Conditioned Store -- Hellcats-infiltrator Monte Chapman undercover at grocery store Val-U-Cow, sitting behind a table of free sausage samples. Actually, he's not undercover -- he really works there. I don't know why I said he was undercover. I apologize. [originally posted 03/23/02]

  • [301] I Know Why the Cave Dweller Sings -- Ator and Thong have a heart-to-heart, followed by an extreme humiliation. Shirley Temple-related mayhem unsues. [originally posted 03/19/02]

  • [303] Extraordinary Pod People -- Tommy and Trumpy together again, only this time in a seedy flophouse in New York City. Basket Case-style mayhem ensues. [originally posted 03/19/02]

  • [320] Unearthly Retirement -- A look at a day in the life of John Carradine, specifically a day when he's shooting The Unearthly. [originally posted 03/19/02]

  • [414] How to Torment a Guy in One Play -- The ghostly Vi finds that it's not easy to rattle two-timing jazzman Tom Stewart. Footnoted egg salad sandwich references ensue. [originally posted 03/09/03]

  • [422] The Year My Earth Froze -- The fairy tale hero and heroine from the film get transplanted to the 1950's and a kitchen with all the modern amenities. Much singing and talking appliances ensue. [originally posted 03/18/02]

  • [423] Bride of the Monster Revisited -- Based on MST's first dip into the Ed Wood canon, this one sees Dr. Vornoff and Lobo having a pleasant evening at home together. Octopus-related mayhem ensues. [originally posted 03/07/02]

  • [424] The Manos Who Came to Dinner -- This was Joe's first one-act venture after a long hiatus. It's set in... Well, you should just read it for yourself. Really. Something very much like mayhem ensues, I've been told. [originally posted 02/16/02]

  • [506] Fly Like an Eegah! -- Arch Hall, Jr., and band spin through some uncomfortable numbers by the pool. Also involves a snake. [originally posted 03/20/02]

  • [507] Who Wants to Accuse My Parents? -- The question should be who doesn't? Jimmy finds out that a life of pathological lying isn't as rewarding as it's cracked up to be. [originally posted 03/20/02]
  • The next morning, Joe posted this alternate idea, which I think is just as good as the play he ended up posting.

  • [511] Never Wanted to be No Gunslinger -- Starts out with a singing cowboy relating the story of the film, then moves to Rose Hill's life in the present day, where she still settles things with her pistol. Gun-play ensues. [originally posted 03/24/02]

  • [512] Mitchell Game '75 -- For a while, this was the last play Joe planned to ever write, and now it's not even close to being last. It's still plenty wacky, though. [originally posted 06/25/00]
  • Oh, yes. And when somebody called his Mitchell play "wrong. Very, very, tragically wrong," Joe posted this in response on 06/26/00.

  • [513] The Death Scene That Wouldn't End -- Once lab assistant Kurt's arm gets wrenched off, he takes a long time to die. Utterly hilarious. Comes complete with vitamins, minerals and bonus mini-one-act play Things to Do in Denver with Bill's Dad. [originally posted 03/23/02]

  • [515] Oh, Bat-type Woman, It's a Wild World -- Ever wonder what would happen if Batwoman and Batman bumped into each other at elegant coctail party? Well, Joe did. [originally posted 03/21/02]

  • [517] Today is the Beginning of the End of the Rest of Your Life -- A hilarious look into the lives of two of the grasshoppers drawn to the Windy City -- or a reasonable facsimile thereof. [originally posted 03/20/02]

  • [518] Pinky and the Atomic Brain -- The beloved animated characters cope with being trapped in Dr. Frank's laboratory. Cartoonish mayhem ensues. [originally posted 03/27/02]

  • [521] Santa, the Claus of Fate -- Join the Master and Torgo for a peaceful Christmas Eve at the Lodge of Sins, including a visit from the impish troublemaker Pitch. Evil mayhem ensues. [originally posted 07/30/03]

  • [606] Where Terror Creeps, Trouble (Eventually) Follows -- Two elderly men eating their lunch somehow manage to evade the slow-moving space-alien carpet-thing. How do they do that? [originally posted 03/24/02]

  • [607] A Very Bloodlust Christmas -- Santa Claus pops by the trophy room of rich, insane hunter Balleau. Jolly mayhem ensues. [originally posted 03/22/02]
  • After someone wrote that she "wanted to see Santa kick that guy's ass," Joe posted this alternate ending. It's quite violent.

  • [609] Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Skydivers -- Joe completes the Coleman Francis troika with a play about Harry's funeral, which of course takes place on a plane. In-flight mayhem ensues. [originally posted 03/16/02]
  • Later that day, Joe posted this deleted musical number. I was wondering where that had gotten.

  • [619] Cuba-palooza! -- A play starring Coleman Francis, Harold Saunders and Anthony Cardoza as the very Stooge-ish "Three Drifters." Surprisingly, it has almost next to nothing to do with Richard Lester's 1979 film starring Sean Connery and Brooke Adams. Go figure. [originally posted 03/14/02]

  • [622] The Exfoliating Angels -- The bejumpsuited seven break up another drug ring, this one also headed up by a group of second-tier celebrities. Climaxes with a musical number, of all things. [originally posted 03/28/02]
  • Later that same evening, Joe caved to public pressure and posted this alternate version with a non-musical ending. Watch Sonny Bono get attacked by his own dogs!

  • [M01] This Island Earth Doesn't Shine For Me Anymore -- Sure, this wasn't a Comedy Central episode, but it's from that era, all right? Anyway, this play is all about the fun that can be had when you juxtapose a planet's destruction with a Fats Domino musical number. And we also get to see the creepy things Joe (not Joe Blevins, the Joe in the movie) has been up to while Cal was away. [originally posted 03/08/02]

  • [706] Dial L for Laserblast (Featuring the Music of Laserblast Black Mambazo!) -- Oh, it's got music, all right, but it turns out Billy -- you know, the scrawny teen with the laser cannon attached to his arm -- doesn't fancy being in a musical. Kinda like John Cleese on that episode of The Muppet Show... [originally posted 03/27/02]


    COMEDY CENTRAL-ERA PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK

  • [306] What's Eating Gilbert This Time of the Grapes? -- A planet where grapes evolved from raisins? To be perfectly frank, yes. Added attraction: Fun with Samuel Beckett! [originally posted 03/21/02]

  • LATEST ADDITION: [309] Glenn or Glendale? or: I Changed My Size -- The last of the Rhino episodes to be given the one-act play treatment, this one takes place during a meeting of the town council of Glendale, California, which has to figure out what to do about the giant army colonel in their midst. Order ensues. [originally posted 06/23/04]

  • [406] A Tack of the Giant Leeches -- The two adulterers from the movie find they don't have much to talk about once they're trapped together in the leeches' underwater cavern. [originally posted 12/15/02]

  • [407] The Fearless Shrew Killers, or: Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are in My Ankle -- People drink on an island inhabited by killer shrews. Drinking ensues. [originally posted 09/20/03]

  • [421] Wake Me Up Before You Monster a-Go Go -- Astronaut Frank Douglas (no relation to Michael or Kirk) is found alive, well, and of normal size in the Pacific Ocean. Human-created sound effects ensue. [originally posted 03/29/02]

  • [601] Girls Just Wanna Have Towns -- Here's another play I wrote after American Movie Classics showed the movie it's based on. Like my Kitten with a Whip play, it's set 20 years after the events in the movie, but at least this time I don't have to bring characters back from the dead. '50s rebel lingo ensues. [originally posted 05/11/02]

  • [615] Grumpy Old She-Cat with Whipped Cream -- God bless American Movie Classics, which actually showed the movie this is based on. Of course, apart from its age I'd be hard-pressed to call Kitten with a Whip a "classic," but here's a play set 20 years after the events in it -- events which have a way of repeating themselves, apparently. Mucho bongo music ensues. [originally posted 04/27/02]

  • [621] Backstory: The Beast of Yucca Flats -- At the time my first play in almost a year, this is a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the first film in the beloved Coleman Francis troika. AMC Original Documentary-related mayhem ensues. [originally posted 03/11/02]


    EIGHTH SEASON PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK

  • [801] Return of the Creature -- Dr. Leopold from Blood Waters of Dr. Z returns the copy of Revenge of the Creature he borrowed from his local video store and -- with the help of the knowledgable clerk -- attempts to find a suitable follow-up. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 04/22/00]

  • [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You -- June Talbot appears on Super Fantastic Amazing New Things, hosted by a manic Englishman, to hawk her rejuvenation formula. Naturally, it requires a demonstration. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 04/29/00]

  • [803] How to Irritate Mole People -- A sketch comedy show hosted by John Cleese? Yep, that's exactly what it is. With two special guests from MST's past. [originally posted 06/03/00]

  • [804] Kiss Me Deadly Mantis -- Marge and Colonel Joe experience domestic bliss. Or do they? [originally posted 06/10/00]

  • [805] The Trouble With Things That Can't Die -- 16th century Satan worshiper Gideon Drew goes on a blind date with Jan in the Pan. Mayhem, naturally, ensues. [originally posted 06/17/00]

  • [806] The Grateful Undead Talk Back -- Not so much a play based on the movie The Undead, but rather a meditation on the question of why the hell it was called The Undead in the first place. This has actually been read at a real-live theater and was well-received. [originally posted 09/29/00]

  • [807] Slight Upset from the Year 5000 -- A play in which radioactivity actually does make people sick. Fancy that. [originally posted 01/04/01]

  • [808] He Features She Creatures Down by the Seashore -- Did you ever wonder what kind of newspaper column Dr. Carlo Lombardi would write? Well, I did. [originally posted 03/03/01]

  • [809] I Was a Teenage Marketing Ploy, or: Teen Wolf Zero -- Based on the what is arguably the most well-known movie the show ever did, this is also one of my longest plays, but I think you'll enjoy. Much werewolf-related mayhem ensues. [originally posted 02/18/01]

  • [810] They Might Be Giant Spiders -- Sheriff Jeff Jones sits in his office and fields all sorts of phone calls. Really, that's what it's about. [originally posted 10/28/00]

  • [811] parts: the lowercase horror -- Learn more than you ever thought you wanted to know about the clonus project as this play takes you back to the program's infancy. Beware of teething pains. [originally posted 08/05/00]
  • EXCITING NEWS (06/05/04): Robert Fiveson, the co-writer/producer/director for the film this play is based on, wrote me this week, having stumbled across it while Googling his one and only claim to fame. According to him, "The main clone was a total drunk the entire time and the female clone lead was a bitch primadonna (the entire time). There was only one set piece (the big clone room) and the total cost of the film was $257,000 which contained no deferments." Guess he didn't make all that much money out of it, eh?
    Anyway, he gave me permission to quote him on my site, "[b]ut if one of the actors does a google (after 20+ years as I did last night) and decides to sue me for defamation of character and slander - I will deny that I gave permission or even said it - ok?" You got it, Rob.


    JOE'S LONE EIGHTH SERIES PLAY

  • [812] Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Incredibly Strange Creatures (But Were So Mixed Up You Forgot to Ask) -- Just what the title says. In a way I'm glad Joe wrote this play because it meant I didn't have to. [originally posted 03/02/02]

  • [813] Yet Another Movie Called Jack Frost -- And we're back to me. There have been an inordinate number of movies called Jack Frost. Here is one way to reconcile that fact. Usurps Vodka with a Time Chaser as "the MST3K one-act play voted most likely to have the least do with the movie it's ostensibly based on." [originally posted 04/28/01]

  • [814] Riding with Death on Long Island -- Washed-up trucker Sam Casey picks up reclusive British author Giles De'Ath while making a delivery on Long Island. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 04/15/00]

  • [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. -- Secret Agent Man Adam Chance goes up against Herbert West, Re-Animator. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 12/27/99]

  • [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach -- Not everyone goes to the beach to party. Some people don't even like having radioactive monsters kill them and suck their blood. Go figure. [originally posted 12/27/99]

  • [818] Touched by a Devil Doll -- The Great Vorelli and his esteemed collaborator Hugo ply their trade in a modern-day comedy club. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 05/20/00]

  • [819] Evasion of the Neptune Men -- Ever wonder why the Japanese still had a mural of Adolf Hitler in 1961? No? Well, this play answers that question anyway. [originally posted 06/24/00]

  • [820] Pigs in Space Mutiny -- The evil Kalgan makes a guest appearance on an episode of the venerable Pigs in Space. I'm not certain, but I believe mayhem ensues. [originally posted 07/08/00]

  • [821] Vodka with a Time Chaser -- The most fun you can have with time travel without a prescription. A rare instance of self-insertion. [originally posted 07/29/00]

  • [822] Eating Raul or: Overfed at the Memory Banquet -- Provoked into action by an unfeeling society, bizarrely-named main character Aram Fingal dopples himself into another film -- this one considerably less well-known than his first choice. [originally posted 10/21/00]


    NINTH SEASON PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK

  • [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man -- Just another day in the life at Abbey Road Studios for Alan Parsons, tape op. [originally posted 10/02/99]

  • [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen -- During his spaceship ride home, Captain Frank Chapman finds he has some explaining to do. [originally posted 10/09/99]

  • [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... -- Kobras goes mano a mano with Mark McKinney from The Kids in the Hall. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 10/16/99]

  • [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! -- Paul, the "writer" attempts to pitch his life "story" as a "novel." His editor is largely unimpressed. [originally posted 10/30/99]

  • [905] The Deadly B-Sides -- British pop sensation Vicki Robbins is back in the recording studio after her relaxing vacation on Seagull Island. [originally posted 10/23/99]

  • [906/816] The Prince of Space Children -- Prince of Space and the great big brain-blob thing duke it out for control of the world's children. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 11/06/99]

  • [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch -- The well-adjusted couple from the movie go to New York to work for Cramp, Inc., where they have another run-in with the titular characters. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 09/12/99]
  • Joe Blevins called this "a better sequel than Hobgoblins deserved." This is probably true.

  • [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan -- The simple country girl from the movie (who just happens to be in league with the devil) goes to see a psychiatrist. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 08/22/99]
  • This is actually the first one-act play I wrote, back when I had the crazy notion to write them in reverse order. I quickly got over that.

    It is at this point in season nine that the brilliant Joe Blevins takes over. His first five plays are already archived here, but why read them there where you can read the brand new, recently-updated versions Joe has sent me here:

    NINTH SEASON PLAYS BY JOE BLEVINS

  • [909] Sam and Joe Don't Get Laid (or: "Gorgo Tell It on the Mountain of Rubble"> -- The one that started it all. A brief enactment of the aftermath of the movie Gorgo. [originally posted 07/18/98]

  • [910] Rowsdower and Troy Aren't Dead... And Neither One of Them Is Rappaport, Either -- Our heroes bond. [originally posted 07/25/98]

  • [911] Neil Simon's The Screaming Odd Couple -- The happily-married couple gets to know one another. [originally posted 08/15/98]

  • [912] I'll Have the Devilled Fish (or: "How Stella and Peter Got Their Respective Grooves Back") -- Stella and Peter take their trip to the mountains, and all that entails. [originally posted 08/29/98]

  • [913] Shine On, You Crazy Delta Knight -- No pee-tossing, but we do get to find what "T" is up to 20 years down the line. [originally posted 09/26/98]

    And now, with a heavy heart, we move on to the tenth and final season...

    TENTH SEASON PLAYS BY JOE BLEVINS

  • [1001] How To Get Ahead In Soultaking -- Gary intends to commit suicide. The Soultaker intends to take his soul when he does so. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 04/17/99]
  • Joe posted this bonus play on 06/16/99.

  • [1002] For Counter Girls Who Have Considered Rainbows When Gold Boots Are Enuf (or: The Grown Woman in Beige Pumps) -- The winner of the funniest title award. Critter has a hard time adjusting to the passage of time. [originally posted 04/24/99]

  • [1003] If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders -- Until recently, Joe's final word on the MST one-act play phenomena. A personal favorite, but then again, I love If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium jokes. [originally posted 09/19/99]

  • [1004] A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future War -- The dumb guy from Belgium -- I mean the future -- does dumb things in the present. [originally posted 04/29/99]

  • [1005] Come Back to the Blood Waters, Dr. Z, Dr. Z -- Dr. Z and Martha, the woman who walked into the ocean to be with him at the end of the movie, experience domestic bliss. [originally posted 05/04/99]
  • Later that day, Joe was moved to post this alternate play idea, which is also quite funny.

  • [1006] Our Boggy Creek is a Great Boggy Creek -- Both a prequel to the movie and a musical. Does life get any better than this, folks? [originally posted 05/14/99]

  • [1007] They Shoot Moon Beasts, Don't They? -- Johnny Longbow wows the condescending sheriff with his implausible Indian legends. [originally posted 06/16/99]
  • On 06/19/99, Joe posted this as a response to someone's request for more sex.

  • [1008] There's No Justice Like Final Justice -- Geronimo and the Maltese mafia in a standoff -- who will get hungry and order a Big Mac first? [originally posted 06/21/99]

  • [1009] Hamletmania! (Not the Real Thing But an Incredible Simulation) -- What can you do with Hamlet, you ask? Well, apparently you can do this. [originally posted 07/03/99]

  • [1010] It Leaves by Five -- Two plays, two plays, two plays in one. John and Cathy Beck try to get a bank loan and, failing that, John joins a support group which includes a number of hapless creatures from other MSTed movies. [originally posted 07/21/99]

  • [1011] When the Horrors Come Back to Spider Island -- Dr. Strangelove interviews the naive ballet dancer from the beginning of the movie. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 07/29/99]

  • [1012] I Could Have Squirmed All Night -- This happens all the time in the South. Not that it's ever happened to me, but I can imagine. [originally posted 08/02/99]
  • This play sparked a certain amount of discussion, leading Joe to post this alternate ending on 08/06/99.

  • [1013] Live and Let Diabolik -- Diabolik uses his supercriminal skills to rob a convenience store. Mayhem ensues. [originally posted 08/16/99]
  • This was not Joe's first attempt at a Diabolik one-act. Here's the original, posted 08/13/99.

    Well, that's all for now. Check back in a little while and see if I finally follow through on my plan to write a play based on Ed Wood's The Violent Years...

    Oh, yes. If you like this stuff, be sure to let us know. My e-mail address is cjclark1973@yahoo.com and Joe's is joseph.blevins@verizon.net.


    Psst. Want to read some other funny stuff? Well, today's your lucky day, because I have tons of it right here and here.