On 09/14/02, two days after his 27th birthday, and two days after we both bemoaned the fact that we seemingly weren't going to be able to finish any more MST3K One-Act Plays, Joe Blevins made an intriguing proposition... -- How about we change it to the MST3K One-Line Play Project? ====================================================================== I AM A GAMERA ====================================================================== a one-line play by Joe Blevins (joseph.blevins@verizon.net) ====================================================================== based on the movie "Gamera" ====================================================================== [Curtain rises. We see a painted backdrop of igloos. An ESKIMO sits on a rock, drinking a Capri Sun. Suddenly we hear a roaring noise from above, like a bomber flying overhead. The Eskimo looks up, panicked.] ESKIMO: Ah!! Gamera!!! [He exits quickly, spilling Capri Sun in the process. Several seconds of silence. Curtain falls.] [THE END] There you have it. Another play done. -- Early the following morning, I read what he had done and replied: -- I like this idea. Try this one: ====================================================================== VIKING WOMEN SEE A SERPENT ====================================================================== a one-line play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ====================================================================== based on the movie "Viking Women and the Sea Serpent" ====================================================================== [Curtain rises. There are cardboard waves downstage and a painted backdrop of the rest of the sea and the sky. As the cardboard waves undulate, a VIKING SHIP is rowed into view, manned -- or should I say womanned -- by a crew of VIKING WOMEN. As the ship reaches center stage, an incongruous VOICE OVER is heard.] VOICE OVER: Watch out for serpents! [The Viking Women scream and look about, but do not see a serpent, in the sea or otherwise. Regaining their composure and their oars, they begin rowing again. Once they're offstage, we hear the roar of a SEA SERPENT. The Viking Women scream again. Curtain falls.] [THE END] Hey, I can dig this. -- A few days later, Joe came up with this: -- ====================================================================== LAST OF THE RED HOT WILD HORSES ====================================================================== a one-line play by Joe Blevins (joseph.blevins@verizon.net) ====================================================================== based on the movie "Last of the Wild Horses" ====================================================================== [A raging kegger party at a fraternity house. Awful music is played loudly. Intoxicated young men and women "dance." At center stage is a man in a horse costume. He seems to be having a good time.] HORSE: Woohoo! I'm never gonna die! No way! Not me, man! [Horse clutches his chest, falls to stage, lies motionless. The inebriated partygoers gather round, shocked. Awful music stops.] [Lights slowly dim. Audience learns valuable lesson that they can discuss on the ride home.] [THE END] -- Which I followed up with this: -- ====================================================================== EARTH VS. ZIGGY STARDUST AND THE SPIDERS FROM MARS ====================================================================== a one-line play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ====================================================================== based on the movie "Earth vs. the Spider" ====================================================================== [The bedroom of an alienated suburban teen, circa 1973. The TEEN is lying on his bed, listening to his record player with his enormous headphones. The album in question is, of course, David Bowie's "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars," and the TEEN is singing along with the end of the title track.] TEEN: [passionately] "Ziggy played guitar---------------" [Before he can finish, however, a scale model of the Earth is dropped from the rafters, crushing the TEEN and his record player. Both are silenced forever.] [THE END] Oh, this is fun! -- And a couple days after that, Joe wrote: -- ====================================================================== PAINT YOUR HILL! ====================================================================== a one-line play by Joe Blevins (joseph.blevins@verizon.net) ====================================================================== based on the movie "The Painted Hills" ====================================================================== [Curain rises. The setting is a rustic cabin. LASSIE is center stage, chatting with a grizzled PROSPECTOR. In what is fast becoming a one- line play tradition, Lassie is portrayed by a human actor in a rented costume. The prospector looks rather less hygenic than the dog.] LASSIE: [to Prospector] Seriously, a little A-200 will clear that right up. [The Prospector nods appreciatively.] [Curtain falls.] [THE END] -- Which in turn prompted me to write: -- ====================================================================== SURFIN' INVASION U.S.A. ====================================================================== a one-line play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ====================================================================== based on the movie "Invasion U.S.A." ====================================================================== [Beach scene. The painted backdrop shows a blue sky with the sun high in the air, and the stage is painted beige to suggest sand without actually trucking in a whole mess of sand for a one-line play.] [A Beach Boys song plays over the sound system and we see a number of TEENAGERS sunbathing, playing with a beach ball and generally hanging out. One of the TEENAGERS looks up and spies something coming from the ocean.] TEENAGER: Hey, look. That looks like an invading army -- and they're all riding surfboards. Kowabunga! [He points and the others look and go "ooh" and "ahh." Then gunshots start to ring out and they all scatter, some of them getting mowed down by enemy fire. As their screams die away, the curtain falls.] [THE END] Oh, when will the madness end? -- Joe's reply: -- When it degenerates into "The MST3K No-Line Play Project. ("Curtain rises to reveal slackjawed Timothy Van Patten and then falls again to quickly conceal same. Audience heaves sigh of relief. Lee Van Cleef rounds out the cast. The end.") -- And, as it turns out, the madness ended right there, on 09/26/02. It was a good run, but destined to come to a screeching halt sooner or later. Of course, it's better to burn out than it is to rust. Somebody sang that once, or even twice.