===================================================================== WHEN THE HORRORS COME BACK TO SPIDER ISLAND ===================================================================== A one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== Based on the movie "Horrors of Spider Island" ===================================================================== NOTE: Oh, sure, I could have written this play about the languid, sexy dancers or Gary, the shirtless man-spider. I could have focused my attention on misogynist Bob, flirtatious Linda, or even the mannish and belligerent Babs. But, come on, didn't you *really* want to see more of creepy talent agent Mike Blackwell and naive ballet dancer Caroline? At last, your hunger for these supposedly "minor" supporting characters is about to be sated. [Curtain rises.] [Our setting is a truly depressing, dimly-lit office. (Just take the bank set from last week's "Bat People" play and ugly it up a little.) MIKE BLACKWELL, low-rent talent agent, is at his desk talking on the phone. He wears no necktie and has the sleeves of his dress shirt rolled up. In front of him is a staggering array of liquor bottles, shot glasses, and ashtrays. His voice: high and slightly Muppet-esque. His hair: dark and crinkly. His eyeglass lenses: nearly opaque.] BLACKWELL: Yes, Mr. Hastings, that's right. Without a trace. [pause] Well, I wouldn't jump to THAT conclusion. Just because they were last spotted NEAR Spider Island doesn't necessarily mean that they're being assaulted by mutant spiders the size of Lhasa Apsos. They could have easily paddled their lifeboat to Poison Gas Island or Spontaneous Combustion Island or even Intestinal Virus Island. [pause] Look, I'm drinking as much as I can here already. There's not too much more that I can do. [There is a knock at the door.] BLACKWELL: I'm going to have to let you go, Mr. Hastings, there's someone at the door. [pause] I'll call you later. No, really, I will. [pause] Okay, goodbye. [He hangs up the phone. There is another knock at the door.] BLACKWELL: Who is it? FEMALE VOICE: It's me, Caroline. BLACKWELL: Who...? FEMALE VOICE: Caroline, the ballet dancer from yesterday, remember? You said you had something for me today. BLACKWELL: [sighs] Oh, right, right. Uh... come in. [She does. CAROLINE is a pretty but mousy young woman in her early twenties or so. As she comes in, Blackwell is swigging from a bottle of Old Crow.] CAROLINE: Did I come at a bad time? BLACKWELL: [setting down the bottle] Honestly...? Yes. CAROLINE: Oh... I guess I'll leave then. BLACKWELL: I didn't say I wanted you to leave. I said it was a bad time, but it's always a bad time around here. Now, you're the ballet dancer, right? CAROLINE: Yes, I am. BLACKWELL: Good. 'Cause I'm looking to put together a dance troupe for an overseas tour. CAROLINE: But I auditioned for that just yesterday, and I got turned down. BLACKWELL: That was Singapore, kid. Small potatoes. I'm talking about the BIG TIME -- Borneo! CAROLINE: [disbelieving] Borneo...? BLACKWELL: Pretty exciting, huh? They're mad for ballet dancers over there. Of course, ballet is huge throughout the Malay Archipelago, but they can't get enough of it in Borneo. Just last week, the Bolshoi Company sold out Brunei Stadium. Look! [He reaches under his desk and retrieves a poster that reads "BOLSHOI AT BRUNEI -- SOLD OUT!!!"] CAROLINE: Wow! I had no idea! BLACKWELL: You must not read Variety. Now, we open in two weeks. The first thing we gotta do is... [The phone rings.] BLACKWELL: Wouldja hold on a second, please? [He picks up.] BLACKWELL: Hello. Blackwell's Talent Agency and Rat Extermination. Blackwell speaking. How may I help you? [At that moment, a rat scurries across Blackwell's desk. He smashes it with a bottle of Jim Beam. Caroline is taken aback. As she listens in on the following conversation, she gets more and more uncomfortable.] BLACKWELL: Oh, hi, Mr. Alberts. [pause] Nope, still no word. [pause] Yeah, third one this month. [pause] Tell me about it! I mean, sometimes it seems like every dance troupe we send out either disappears or gets attacked by mutant spiders... or BOTH! [A spider puppet the size of, yes, a Lhasa Apso is dropped on his head. He swats it away absentmindedly, as if it's routine for him.] BLACKWELL: [pause] That one was never proven. The bodies had been chopped up too badly to be identified. [pause] Dental records? Well, those could've been helpful... if their TEETH had ever been found, that is! [chuckles] CAROLINE: [very quietly] Look, I really have to be going. [Blackwell pays no attention. During this next speech, Caroline sneaks towards the door.] BLACKWELL: That's for the courts to decide, Mr. Alberts, and believe you me, I've spent *plenty* of time in court rooms. [pause] Nope, not a single conviction. You've gotta love this country! And... [He looks up to see that Caroline just about to sneak out of the room.] BLACKWELL: [to Caroline] Hey! Where are you going? CAROLINE: [trying to be polite] I'm sorry. I have to go. BLACKWELL: Go? But what about Borneo? CAROLINE: I... I have a meatloaf... uh, in the oven. [abruptly] Gotta go! [She exits in a hurry. Blackwell sighs.] BLACKWELL: [to himself] Damn! Lost another one! [into the phone] Mr. Alberts? You still there? [pause] Sorry to keep you waiting. But back to the matter at hand. Now, "reckless endangerment" -- that's sort of an ambiguous term when you look at it... [The conversation continues in this manner as the lights dim.] [Curtain falls.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE ONE ACT PLAYS BASED ON MST3K EPISODES ===================================================================== [909] Sam & Joe: A One-Act Play [910] Rowsdower & Troy Aren't Dead... And Neither One of Them Is Rappaport, Either [911] Neil "Screaming Skull" Simon's The Odd Couple [912] After the Devil Fish (or: How Peter and Stella Got Their Respective Grooves Back) [913] Shine On, You Crazy Delta Knight [1001] How To Get Ahead In Soultaking [1002] For Counter Girls Who Have Considered Rainbows When Gold Boots Are Enuf (or: The Grown Woman in Beige Pumps) [1004] A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future War [1005] Come Back to the Blood Waters, Dr. Z, Dr. Z [1006] Our Boggy Creek is a Great Boggy Creek [1007] They Shoot Moon Beasts, Don't They? [1008] There's No Justice Like Final Justice [1009] Hamletmania! (Not the Real Thing But an Incredible Simulation) [1010] It Leaves by Five (or: When Good Things Happen to Bat People) [1011] When the Horrors Come Back to Spider Island COMING SOON: [1012] I Could Have Squirmed All Night [1013] You're a Dangerous Man, Diabolik [1003] If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders Missing any plays? Just e-mail joeblev@concentric.net and ask for one or both of these files: seas9.txt (a file of all Season 9 plays) seas10.txt (a file of all Season 10 plays)