===================================================================== OUR BOGGY CREEK IS A GREAT BOGGY CREEK ===================================================================== Hoo-Hah! A one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== Inspired (if that's the word) by the movie "Boggy Creek II" ===================================================================== NOTE: As a change of pace, there are two plays for the price of none this time around. Enjoy! [VERSION ONE: THE PREQUEL] [How exactly did Crenshaw get that scrawny little Boggy Creek monster? This play offers one possible scenario.] [The scene: a clearing in the woods. A campsite with tents and a fire has been set up. A group of Boggy Creek creatures wearing human clothes (ballcaps, t-shirts, daisydukes, etc.) are gathered around the fire, saying banal things to one another. For whatever reason, the names of the creatures are (pay attention here) TED, PHIL, WANDA, and TAMMIE. TED is the dull, talkative leader of the group. PHIL is the resident nerd. WANDA and TAMMIE are the token cheesecake bimbos. Of course, they all look pretty much like Bigfoot.] TED: They say the monster's name is Crenshaw, and he's easily 400 pounds. Here's a crude sketch of it. [Ted holds up a charcoal drawing of the hillbilly slob Old Man Crenshaw, resplendant in overalls and a headband. The others are horrified.] PHIL: Gosh, Ted, h-has anyone ever *seen* this Crenshaw? TED: A few. Back in '57, a creature named Ernest Warlow was out collecting berries and mauling pedestrians when suddenly -- out of the corner of his eye -- he spotted the hairiest, most repulsive creature he'd ever seen. Poor Ernie nearly passed out from the odor. He described it as the stench of raw pork dipped in motor oil. [Wanda, Tammie, and Phil are scared.] WANDA: This Crenshaw thing is, like, grody. Do you, like, think we're going to find him? TED: [solemn] We very well might, Wanda. We very well might. [As if on cue, there's a sound of leaves rustling in the woods behind them.] TAMMIE: W-what was that? TED: Sounds like Crenshaw. When there's no wrestling on TV, he gets agitated and goes rampaging through the bottom-lands. Phil! PHIL: Yeah? TED: Get the 8-track player. Wanda, Tammie! WANDA & TAMMIE: Yes? TED: Get the portable TV set and Beef Jerky out of the van. [Phil, Wanda, and Tammie all run off to get the various requested items.] TED: I just pray to God this works. [Crenshaw -- even more horrible than the drawing -- emerges from the forest, yawning and scratching himself.] CRENSHAW: Got any chaw, mister? TED: [wiping away a tear] What a proud, beautiful animal. [Crenshaw belches mightily, causing Ted to crouch in fear. Phil returns with the 8-track player.] PHIL: I got the 8-track player, Ted. What should I do? TED: Play some Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, quick! It will sedate the creature! [Phil turns on the 8-track player and blasts "Mr. Bojangles." Old Man Crenshaw begins singing along. He starts calming down, just like the Tasmanian Devil in the old Daffy Duck cartoon, "Ducking the Duck."] CRENSHAW: "The dog up and died... he up and died..." PHIL: It's working! It's working! TED: All those years of study at Boggy Creek University are finally paying off! [Wanda and Tammie return to the campsite with the Beef Jerky and the small portable TV set.] WANDA: We're back, Ted! TED: Good. Wanda, you try to find a station that's showing an Aaron Spelling show -- preferably "Charlie's Angels." This will hypnotize Crenshaw. [Wanda turns on the TV and flips through the stations, until she lands on one that's suitable.] WANDA: Channel Nine is showing a marathon of "The Rookies." Will that do? TED: I think so. It's still got Kate Jackson in it. Tammie, do you have the Jerky? TAMMIE: Yep. TED: Then break it into small pieces and toss it on the ground. Make a trail leading Crenshaw to the TV set. [She does this. Crenshaw instinctively follows the Jerky trail to the portable TV set and becomes engrossed in "The Rookies."] CRENSHAW: Hmm.. a young Kate Jackson! Should be good. [He sits placidly on the ground, watching the TV and chewing on the Jerky he picked up from the ground. He drools magnificently. Whether his salivation is caused by the Jerky or Ms. Jackson is ambiguous. The audience members can discuss the topic on their way home from the theater.] WANDA: Well, there goes _my_ appetite! Gross! [Everyone shushes Wanda.] TED: [stage whisper] While he's distracted by Kate Jackson, I'll shoot him with the tranquilizer gun. PHIL: Then what? TED: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Just get me my gun. Be careful not to make any sudden moves. The wild Crenshaw is very sensitive to potential danger. [Phil carefully hands Ted the gun. Ted shoots Crenshaw in the neck. Crenshaw is only mildly annoyed by this. He blithely pulls the dart out of his neck and swallows it. How this effect will be achieved onstage is unclear. Perhaps the theater will use some sort of puppet to portray Crenshaw.] TED: Well, that didn't work. I guess all we can do is simply take this opportunity to gaze upon this incredible creature in his natural habitat and hope that he doesn't become homicidal and destructive, which he inevitably will. [Naturally, Crenshaw begins to get agitated at this moment.] CRENSHAW: Where's the Pabst Blue Ribbon? Crenshaw can't watch the TV without Pabst Blue Ribbon! TED: [scared] Uh, do we *have* any Pabst Blue Ribbon? PHIL: No, but there's some Zima in the van. CRENSHAW: ZIMA?!? AAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!! [Crenshaw stands up and walks towards Phil.] PHIL: Dear God, no! All I wanted was some elective credits! Please, don't hurt me! CRENSHAW: I'll show ya what we do to boys who drink Zima! PHIL: Help! Why aren't you guys helping me? [The other three Boggy Creek creatures do nothing to help Phil out. Crenshaw scoops Phil up in his arms -- a la King Kong and Fay Wray -- and carries him off. Ted, Wanda, and Tammie are silent for a moment.] TED: If anyone asks, we'll say Phil joined the Hare Krishnas and moved to Frisco. WANDA & TAMMIE: Agreed. [Lights dim.] [Curtain falls.] T H E E N D [But WAIT! There's MORE!] [VERSION TWO: THE MUSICAL!] (excerpts) [NOTE: These are only excerpts because, frankly, writing an entire full-length musical about "Boggy Creek II" would just be sad.] [The same forest set from the last play is used. In this version, the main characters are human beings -- specifically the ones from the movie: Doc, Tim, whatsherface, and the other one. Doc steps out and looks wistfully at the sky, singing to the tune of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."] DOC: Somewhere out in the marshland, There's a thing. Some guy said that he saw it Once at a Burger King. (verse 2) Somewhere out in the marshland, It's been seen. Some say it looks like Bigfoot. Others say Lorne Greene. (bridge) The creature's real first name is Jim, But all his friends refer to him as "Boomer." He's into crafts and macramé. The tabloid press insists he's gay, But that's just rumor... (verse 3) Somwhere out in the marshland, That's his lair. Someday, maybe we'll find him. Why, then, does no... one... care? [Later in the play, once Tim, whatsherface, and the other one have joined Doc, there's a big group number, sung to the tune of "We're Off to See the Wizard."] ALL: We're off to find the creature And prove that the legend is true. It's worth a shot, 'cause we ain't got Too freakin' much else to do. (bridge) We'll set up a camp in the wilderness And listen to Yes CDs, I guess. Unless, unless, unless, unless, unless... Unless our equipment is repossessed. (did-a-lee-dod-a-lee-DOO) (chorus) We're off to find the creature And prove that the legend is true! [Of course, Tim -- the scrawny shirtless guy -- has a big number, sung to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain."] TIM: It's high time that I faced up; I'm naked from the waist up And my social life's inert. I could go to public places Without people making faces If I only wore a shirt. (verse 2) My physique is unathletic. To flaunt it is pathetic. I'm such a puny squirt. It would be fashion heaven. I could shop at Sev'n-Eleven If I only wore a shirt. (bridge) Picture me -- a cotton T I'd buy one off the rack It would cover my tattoo of Karen Black Plus those pim...ples on my back (verse 3) My partial lack of clothing Has caused me such self-loathing. I'm sure no William Hurt. But I'd look like Beau Brummel Or a figurine from Hummel If I only wore a shirt. !Olé! [By this point, everyone in the theater has left in disgust and the actors just give up and go home, as well they should.] T H E E N D