===================================================================== COME BACK TO THE BLOOD WATERS, DR. Z, DR. Z ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on "The Blood Waters of Dr. Z" ===================================================================== [Before the curtain opens, a kindly old "Our Town"-ish narrator steps out onto the stage and addresses the audience directly. The spotlight follows him as he strolls across the stage.] NARRATOR: Oh, hello, folks. Guess you heard about those terrible doings in our little town, eh? Well, let me tell you, you've only heard *part* of the story. After that Dr. Leopold fella got shot and staggered into the ocean, that pretty young lady researcher went after him. Now, the details are fuzzy, but folks say she nursed him back to health and lives with him in some sort of underwater love nest. We can only imagine what they're doing down there. Well, I'd better be heading home. The missus will be wondering where I am. [He exits. The curtain rises to reveal a weird underwater cave that's been converted into a cozy suburban living room. Through a window in the background we can see stagehands waving sheets of blue cellophane and holding up cardboard fish.] [In the background, there is a giant wheel covered with illegible writing. It gives the room a sort of "casino" look.] [Leopold, a man in a catfish suit, sits in a leather armchair with his feet up on an ottoman. He smokes a pipe and reads 'TIME' magazine, while Martha, an attractive blonde, lounges on a couch, holding a half-empty whisky glass and absentmindedly skimming through a book on icthyology.] MARTHA: Is this how you pictured married life? LEOPOLD: [after considering it a moment] Yes. MARTHA: Really? Living under the sea like this? LEOPOLD: Martha, ever since I heard Ringo Starr's delightful tune "Octupus' Garden" on the Beatles' "Abbey Road" album, I knew that it was my destiny to live in an octopus' garden near a cave. MARTHA: I thought you said your destiny was to create an army of catfish people and take over the world. LEOPOLD: Oh... that? That was just a hobby, a way to kill time on the weekends. It was all just a prelude to living peacefully at the bottom of the sea with a beautiful woman at my side. MARTHA: So the whole killing spree...? LEOPOLD: Just a phase I was going through. I was feeling a bit insecure about my new appearance. MARTHA: I've seen your old driver's license. Believe me, you're better looking *now*. LEOPOLD: [sarcastically] Ha ha. Very funny. MARTHA: So... does it get hot in that suit? LEOPOLD: [confused] What suit? MARTHA: That fish suit you're always wearing. Doesn't it get a little warm in there? LEOPOLD: Martha, this *isn't* a suit. This is my skin. I really *am* a giant walking catfish. [Martha starts getting a little panicky.] MARTHA: Are you telling me I married out of my species? Oh, God, what am I going to tell my parents? My mother is going to *freak* out! LEOPOLD: What did you think you were getting into when you married me, hon? I'm part-man, part-catfish! It's a package deal, toots. Two for the price of one! MARTHA: I thought you just wore a catfish suit as part of some elaborate scheme of getting me to go out with you. I didn't know you were the real thing. The part that's bothering me most right now is that you've been walking around in the NUDE all this time. LEOPOLD: I'm a catfish, for cryin' out loud! MARTHA: But you're still part human, Leo! At least put on some pants! LEOPOLD: Martha, don't make me put your picture up on my wheel. MARTHA: [annoyed] You and that stupid wheel! You spend more time with that wheel than you do with me! It's like you don't care about me at all lately! LEOPOLD: That's not true. Remember the nice anniversary gift I got you last week? MARTHA: Some gift -- a tacklebox you took from that poor fly fisherman. Why'd you have to kill him, anyway? LEOPOLD: I told you, Martha, he was interfering with my plans! MARTHA: What plans?!? LEOPOLD: My plan of living underwater in tax-free comfort! He said I was insane, but HE was the one who was insane! MARTHA: Oh, you say that about everyone. [Suddenly, we hear a voice from off-screen.] VOICE: Wait! You folks shouldn't be fighting! MARTHA & LEOPOLD: Huh?!? [Critter, the hippie folksinger from "Girl in Gold Boots," enters. He is strumming his guitar and faces the audience, not the other characters.] CRITTER: Yes, folks, it's me, your old pal, Critter. I think I know a song that will make everyone feel a whole lot better! Feel free to sing along! [Martha and Leopold seem irritated by Critter's presence.] MARTHA: Leo, you have my permission to kill this guy. LEOPOLD: I'm way ahead of you, dearest. [Critter begins to sing, oblivious to the fact that Leopold is sneaking up behind him.] CRITTER: Woah, sashay through the sargassum You gotta dig that kooky sargassum, uh-huh Plan revenge on your friends Plan revenge on your... AAAACCCCKKK!!!! [Leopold grabs Critter by the neck and begins slashing away at his throat and face. Martha is highly appreciative.] MARTHA: Get him! Get him! Go for the vocal cords! Here, let me me help you. [She starts punching Critter in the gut.] LEOPOLD: See, dear? This is something we can both enjoy. [Curtain closes. The old-time narrator steps back onto the stage.] NARRATOR: And that's the way it happened, or so they say. Why, this reminds me of a story that happened way back in the tepid summer of nineteen-hundred and... [Dr. Leopold's arm reaches through the curtain and grabs the Narrator.] NARRATOR: What the--? NOOOOOOO!!!!!! [Dr. Leopold drags the narrator behind the curtain. What happens to him is anyone's guess. Lights dim.] T H E E N D ? ? ?