===================================================================== A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FUTURE WAR ===================================================================== A one act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Future War" ===================================================================== [Curtain rises.] [The stage is darkened. We hear a woman's voice over a loudspeaker.] VOICE: Four days ago, a fire fell from the sky. No, wait, actually it was just a really dumb guy from Belgium. [The lights come up. The scene is a small living room. Indeed, there is a really DUMB GUY from Belgium in our play. Boldly defying all the known laws of fashion, he wears a plaid shirt with the sleeves cut off. He manages to look muscular and scrawny simultaneously. As our "story" begins, the Dumb Guy is sitting on a couch, turning the "tuner" knob on a radio and looking bewildered. He grunts. Watching this pitiful display, one is reminded of the apes in the "Dawn of Man" sequence from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY.] DUMB GUY: [poignantly] Guuuhhhhhnnnn! Baaaahhhhhhhh! [Several other characters are gathered around the couch, watching the dumb guy play with the radio. They are: a FAKE NUN who looks like a Lilith Fair ticketholder; a FAT GUY who looks like an overinflated version of Gordon from "Sesame Street"; and a second FAT GUY who looks like what would happen if there were an Eric Estrada float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.] FAT GUY #1: He's been doing that for three days now! FAKE NUN: I think we're close to a breakthrough. DUMB GUY: [fiddling with radio] Grrrr!!! Hulk smash!!!! [The Dumb Guy hurls the radio across the room, breaking it. The other characters have to duck to avoid getting hit.] FAKE NUN: Damn! And I was just eight payments away from finally owning that radio! FAT GUY #1: Where'd you find this guy, anyway? FAKE NUN: [exasperated] How many times do I have to tell you... uh, what was your name again? FAT GUY #1: I forget. It doesn't matter. I'm just a sidekick. Call me Herbie. I always liked that name. FAKE NUN: How many times do I have to tell you, Herbie? I ran over this guy after I accidentally guzzled all that Communion wine. Why can't you grasp that? FAT GUY #1: Sorry, Sister. FAKE NUN: And don't call me "Sister," either. I'm not a real nun yet. After what I did, I don't think I can even take my final vows. FAT GUY #2: [chiming in] What *did* you do, anyway? FAKE NUN: I forget. Something bad, though. I think I killed somebody... or something. I don't know. What is this, the Spanish Inquisition all of a sudden? God, everybody's full of nosey questions today! Get bent! FAT GUY #2: Uh, aren't nuns supposed to be nice and patient and stuff? FAKE NUN: Who's the nun here, you or me? FAT GUY #2: You are. FAKE NUN: You're damned right I am. Now shut up and let me try to make sense out of this moron's grunts and groans. [The Dumb Guy suddenly gets agitated and starts pointing at something across the room.] DUMB GUY: Waaahhhhh.... Gaaahhhhh!!!!!! FAT GUY #1: I think he's pointing at that empty cardboard box our Soloflex came in. [The Fake Nun walks across the room, picks up the box, and brings it to the Dumb Guy.] FAKE NUN: Is this what you want? DUMB GUY: [nodding] Muhhhhh, huuuuhhhhhhh. FAKE NUN: Here you go. [She hands it to him. He picks up the box and throws it across the room. For some reason, this pleases him. He laughs girlishly.] FAT GUY #2: Well, one thing's for sure. He likes throwing things. FAT GUY #1: [sarcastically] You think? [A small boy who looks like a toadstool enters. His exact relation to anyone else in the play is unclear.] TOADSTOOL BOY: Hey... uh, miss lady! Who's that guy without the shirtsleeves? [Without any prodding whatsoever, the Dumb Guy grabs the kid by the throat and applies severe pressure to his windpipe.] DUMB GUY: Guuuuhhhhhh!!!! Unhhhhhhhnnn!!!! FAKE NUN: Guys, I think he's trying to tell us something! [The Dumb Guy shakes the kid like a tambourine and makes unintelligible grunting noises.] DUMB GUY: Nuuuuhhhhhh!!! Muuuuhhhhhnnnnn!!!! FAT GUY #1: I think he's saying "oil can." FAT GUY #2: Oil can *what*? [Suddenly, a rather timid-looking man with a rubber dinosaur hand puppet enters through the window. He tries to sound menacing as he points the dinosaur puppet in the direction of the other actors. Out of professional courtesy, the actors pretend to be terrified.] PUPPETEER: Grr! I am a dinosaur! Grr! I will eat you! Grr! Fear my wrath! [The Dumb Guy drops Toadstool Boy on the floor. Toadstool Boy scurries to hide behind the couch.] DUMB GUY: [to Fake Nun] You, me, get out of here... leave kid and fat guys behind! FAKE NUN: Wow! You *can* speak English... just not very well! DUMB GUY: No time talk, must RUN! [The Dumb Guy grabs the Fake Nun by the wrist, and they exit. The puppeteer "attacks" the arm of Fat Guy #2 with the puppet.] PUPPETEER: Grrr! Watch as I devour you in one bite! Grrr! FAT GUY #2: Oh dear! Whatever shall we do? FAT GUY #1: I'll tell you what we're gonna do. [yells to the puppeteer] Hey, Dino! [The puppeteer looks at Fat Guy #1.] PUPPETEER: Me? FAT GUY #1: Yeah, you! You don't want to eat my friend, do you? I mean, look at him! This guy is pure cholesterol! PUPPETEER: You've got a point. My wife's already bugging me about losing some weight. FAT GUY #1: What you need is a healthy, low-fat meal... like that kid behind the couch! PUPPETEER: Say, that sounds like a great idea! Uh, I mean... Grrr! I am a dinosaur! Grrr! [The puppeteer stops biting Fat Guy #2's arm and looks behind the couch. Toadstool Boy screams.] FAT GUY #1: This is our chance! Run! [The two fat guys exit as quickly as they can. As the lights dim, we hear Toadstool Boy being attacked by a dinosaur.] TOADSTOOL BOY: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! [The stage is darkened. Once again, we hear the woman's voice, which we now recognize as belonging to the Fake Nun.] FAKE NUN: Four days ago, a fire fell from the... Hey! Didn't I read this speech once already? [The curtain falls.] T H E E N D