===================================================================== IF IT'S TUESDAY, THIS MUST BE MERLIN'S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders" ===================================================================== [Curtain rises.] [The scene is Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders, the small Northern California boutique where Merlin the sorceror peddles his enchanted wares to clueless tourists. The store is exactly as you remember it from the film: sort of an indoor camping ground with a cash register and display tables. MERLIN himself is sorting through some assorted bric-a-brac in a cardboard display labeled: "Enchanted Stones -- 20% Off This Week Only!" He is chewing gum and blows a bubble. When the bubble pops, it gums up his beard.] MERLIN: Oh, crap... uh, I mean, "Gadzooks!" [He pulls the gum out of his beard and winds up taking some beard hair along with it. He looks around for a place to get rid of the sticky hairball. Not finding one, he sticks the hairball under a table. At that moment, some customers enter the store. It is MADELINE, the Julie Haggerty-type lady, accompanied by a remarkably precocious four year old BOY who is dictating into a small tape recorder.] BOY: Today's naptime was pedestrian at best. The milk and graham crackers that followed were neither fresh nor satisfying. I am hardly looking forward to tonight's story time. While they were once amusing, the tales have grown stale and obvious of late. Mommy would do well to study the works of Juvenal and Rabelais for future inspiration. MADELINE: That's enough, honey. Put away your toy now. BOY: Oh, all right! Honestly, mother, your attempts to stifle my creativity do little to endear me to you. [He clicks off the tape recorder. Merlin walks over to greet these customers.] MERLIN: Welcome to my shop of mystical wonders! Say, I remember you! I was indirectly responsible for turning your husband into an infant a few years ago, right? MADELINE: That's right. MERLIN: And how's that working out for you? MADELINE: [haltingly] Oh... pretty well I guess. MERLIN: This must be the little dickens here. He's the spitting image of... uh, himself. [Merlin kneels down to look the boy in the eye.] MERLIN: Hello there, young man. Would you like to see a magic trick? [The kid rolls his eyes.] BOY: What sort of jejune fakery is he going to bore me with now? MERLIN: You just wait and see. [Merlin reaches behind the child's ear and "magically" produces an egg.] BOY: Don't tell me you're still doing the old "pull the egg out of the ear" trick. Come on! What second-rate, Doug Henning wannabe hasn't mastered *that* tedious routine by now? [The smile disappears from Merlin's face. He cracks the egg over the child's head. The kid stands there looking bored as the egg yolk runs down his face.] BOY: How predictable. [Merlin stands up.] MERLIN: [to Madeline] I'm sorry, Madam, I just... MADELINE: ...couldn't help yourself? MERLIN: Exactly. You understand. MADELINE: Don't worry. It happens all the time. Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy raising my husband. As a matter of fact, that's why I came to you. Do you think maybe you could cast a spell that would make little Jonathan at least *somewhat* less annoying? MERLIN: Hmmmm... I'll have to consult my mystical spellbook. [Merlin walks over to a counter and starts leafing through his book of spells and low-cal recipes.] BOY: Oh, here it comes. Merlin resorts to the same tired schtick he's been relying on for years. Haven't we seen all this before? MERLIN: Quiet, you! [looks in spellbook] Aha! Here's the perfect spell. [chants] KYRA SEDGWICK, EDIE BRICKELL, ARTE JOHNSON, CANTINFLAS! [There is a moment of expectation, but nothing happens.] BOY: Just as I figured... an anti-climax. MADELINE: What happened, Merlin? MERLIN: Whoops! Forgot to carry the two. Let me try this again. [chants] FUNKY PHANTOM, MAO TSE TUNG, HOOCHIE-COOCHIE, UTAH! [Again, nothing happens. Merlin angrily slams the book shut.] MERLIN: This is the last time I buy a spellbook from Microsoft! Every time you need it to work, the damn thing freezes up! MADELINE: Is there maybe a tech support hotline you could call? MERLIN: Let me see. [flips through the book] Here it is. [Merlin picks up a phone and dials the number.] MERLIN: [into phone] Uh, yes... I recently purchased your Microsoft Spellcaster 5.0, and... [to Madeline] Oh, it's just a recording. They're putting me on hold. [We hear Muzak coming from the phone. Merlin nods his head to the music and absent-mindedly hums along.] MADELINE: Is this going to take long? [Merlin doesn't answer. He's in his own mystical little world. Madeline accepts defeat.] MADELINE: Oh well. It was worth a shot. Come on, Jonathan. Let's go. It's getting close to supper. BOY: Can we eat at McDonald's? At least there, the Happy Meals are palatable -- unlike the fetid slop *you've* been serving me. MADELINE: We'll discuss it the car. [They exit. Merlin is now singing along with the Muzak.] MERLIN: [sings] "My name is Michael, I have a nickel, I have a nickel shiny and new..." [trails off, not knowing the words] [A very strange CUSTOMER enters: an Elvis impersonator with green skin and antennae. The words "ROCK & ROLL MARTIAN" are spelled in rhine- stones on the back of his jumpsuit. He speaks in an odd, stacatto monotone.] MARTIAN: Excuse me, Earthling, but I find myself in need of a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. [Without even having to think about it, Merlin magically pulls a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich from behind the Martian's ear and goes right back to humming along with the Muzak. The Martian greedily grabs the sandwich.] MARTIAN: Excellent. My mission on Earth is complete. [The Rock & Roll Martian is pulled up by invisible wires as the "E.T." theme is played loudly over the theater's sound system.] [Lights dim, curtain falls.] T H E E N D