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              HOW TO GET AHEAD IN SOULTAKING, PART I
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       a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net)
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                   based on the movie "Soultaker"
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[The curtain rises.  The scene is a typical office -- desks, coffee
machine, computer terminals, etc.  Two dispirited-looking men, both
dressed like Johnny Cash, are loitering around the water cooler.  They
have a lot of black makeup around their eyes, giving them a somewhat
raccoon-like appearance.  These men are soultakers, and they're
supposed to be scary, I think.  Other soultakers are wandering around
the office, doing typical "office" stuff, like filing paperwork and
eating jelly donuts.]

LARRY: [weary] Is it Monday already, Don?
DON: Sure as hell is, Lar.  Where did the weekend go?
LARRY: I dunno.  Hey, you got any soultakings scheduled for today?
DON: Yeah.  Some rock star is scheduled to choke on his own puke at
     2:30.  I'm free til then.
LARRY: [jealous]  You got another rock star?  Man, you get all the
       glamorous assignments.  It seems like all I ever get are
       traffic fatalities and hunting accidents.  Believe me, if I
       have to look at another blood-stained orange jumpsuit, I'll
       scream!
DON: It's just 'cause I've been working here longer, Larry.  And
     just between you and me, it doesn't hurt to kiss up to the
     Angel of Death a little.  I tell ya, when I started out as a
     soultaker, I was spending most of my time in hospitals and
     old folks' homes.  Then, I got the boss a cheese log for his
     birthday.  The next week, I was claiming the soul of Mister
     Jim Backus, star of TV's "Gilligan's Island."
LARRY: No kidding... *the* Jim Backus?!?
DON: Magoo himself.
LARRY: [awed] Wow!
DON: And that was just the tip of the iceberg.  Who do you think
     took Spiro Agnew's soul?
LARRY: That was *you*?
DON: You're darned tootin' it was.  I've got dibs on the next five
     Vice Presidents.  When Walter Mondale dies, I'm there.
LARRY: And all that from a cheese log, huh?
DON: I'm tellin' ya, he *loves* those things!  Oh, and here's 
     another tip -- try not to stare too much at his face.  He's
     kinda sensitive about it.  From what I hear, he got picked on
     a lot in grade school. 
LARRY: Gotcha.

[Lights dim.  Suddenly, the pink, soft, and oily guy from "Hired! steps
out and talks to the audience.]

PS&OG: And so, Larry learned a valuable lesson that day.  The key to
       success in any field, whether it's selling Chevrolets or taking
       the souls of the dead and storing them in glow-in-the-dark hoop
       earings, is good old fashioned brown-nosing and completely
       subjugating yourself to the will of the Almighty Boss.

[World-class suck-up Jimmy sticks his head in.]

JIMMY: That's right, sir!  Couldn't have said it any better.
PS&OG: Shut up!
JIMMY: Yes, sir!

[He quickly ducks out.  The oily guy turns to the audience.]

PS&OG: You!  What are you still doing here!  Get out!

[The audience scrambles out of the theater.]

                        T H E       E N D