===================================================================== HOW TO GET AHEAD IN SOULTAKING, PART II ===================================================================== A one-act play by Joe Blevins(joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Soultaker" ===================================================================== [The curtain rises. The scene is a very depressing, dimly-lit, run- down apartment. Exposed water pipes overhead drip a foul, brown liquid onto a naugahyde couch that has obviously seen better days. A man in his 20s trudges in. He is balding, slightly overweight, and unshaven. He wears grey sweatpants and a stained, yellow undershirt. Let's call this poor bastard GARY. He carries an orange extension cord.] GARY: [nervous] Well, this is it. Now or never. [Gary climbs up on the couch and ties one end of the extension cord to a water pipe. The "water" drips in his face as he does this. Gary fashions the other end of the extension cord into a noose and slips it around his neck. He stands straight up on the couch and closes his eyes.] GARY: Oh, God, forgive me for what I am about to do. [Another man enters -- a SOULTAKER dressed like Johnny Cash: black pants, black trenchcoat, etc. The soultaker has dark rings around his eyes, giving him a raccoon-like appearance. Gary apparently can't see or hear the soultaker. He doesn't react to the soultaker's presence. The soultaker checks his watch.] SOULTAKER: Just in the nick of time. I should be back at the office in time for Ted's birthday party. [to Gary] Do it, you schmuck! Get it over with, so I can take your soul and get back to playing Quake. [Gary is oblivious to this, of course. He's got other things on his mind. He is sobbing.] GARY: If only I'd been able to sell one of my clown paintings. If only Sherri hadn't left me for that weight guesser from the carnival. If only I hadn't invested my life savings in that stupid Joe Estevez movie. What was I thinking? SOULTAKER: Well, that's life, pal. Can we get things rolling please? I haven't got all day, y'know. [Gary gets a sudden look of inspiration.] GARY: Wait! What am I DOING? It's not too late! I can call Sherri! I can paint newer and BETTER clown paintings! I can sell the Joe Estevez movie to the foreign market! [dramatically] I want to LIVE! I WANT TO LIVE!! [The soultaker is disappointed.] SOULTAKER: What?!? So I came down here for NOTHING? This is a waste of my time. I'm outta h-- [The soultaker starts to exit, but suddenly, Gary's mood changes.] GARY: Oh, who am I kidding? I'm never gonna do any of that stuff! [The soultaker turns around.] SOULTAKER: Aha! Now you're talkin', kid! GARY: I'm just wasting oxygen every second I'm alive. SOULTAKER: That's what I want to hear! GARY: There's really only one solution for me! SOULTAKER: You're damned right there is! Now, let's get the show on the road. I wanna beat the traffic. GARY: [preparing himself] Okay... this is it. One for the money, two for the show... [Gary looks like he's just about to step off the couch.] SOULTAKER: [panting] I can almost TASTE that soul now! Look at me, I'm practically SALIVATING! [At the last second, Gary flinches.] GARY: No! I just... can't bring myself to do it. [The soultaker has had enough.] SOULTAKER: Aw, to hell with this. [The soultaker takes a slingshot out of his trenchcoat. He aims a small rock at Gary's head. The rock hits its target perfectly.] GARY: Ahhhhh!!!!! [Gary is knocked off the couch and is hanged. The soultaker quickly sucks his soul into the glow-in-the dark key ring.] SOULTAKER: [to the audience] Sure, it's against regulations, but sometimes, you've just GOTTA take matters into your own hands if you want to get anything done. [The soultaker starts to exit.] SOULTAKER: [to himself] A Joe Estevez movie...? How dumb can you get? [The soultaker laughs quietly as he leaves the stage. The lights dim.] T H E E N D