===================================================================== TINKER, TRAILER, SOLDIER, SPY ===================================================================== a trailer by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== [Screen is black. We hear wind howling.] ANNOUNCER: In a world where Cleanliness is Law... [Cut to clip from "Keeping Clean and Neat" play. Eighth grader JOHN is terrorizing young DON.] JOHN: Do you even OWN a fingernail brush? Well... do you, maggot? DON: [crying] No! ANNOUNCER: ...Church picnics can be deadly... [Cut to clip from "Days of Our Years" play. A youngwoman, SALLY, runs toward a picnic table, holding a cake server.] SALLY: Hey, Reverend! I brought that cake server you said you wanted. [She trips falls to the ground, impaling herself on the cake server in the process.] ANNOUNCER: ...And the Amish live among us... [Cut to clip from "Last Clear Chance" play. Young ALAN DIXON is frantically ripping the buttons off his shirt.] ALAN: See ya later, buttons! From now on, it's hooks all the way! ANNOUNCER: ...There is only one man who can restore order! [Cut to clip from "Clean, Neat, Boy, Girl." "Candid Camera" host Allen Funt is standing on stage, talking to the audience.] FUNT: Hello, theatergoers! I'm Allen Funt. RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey! Aren't you dead? [Cut to black. Title appears in blocky, metallic letters that make a slamming sound.] A CHILD'S SECOND, SOMEWHAT SMALLER GARDEN OF ONE-ACT PLAYS [Cut to rapid-fire montage of soundbites.] [From "Catching Trouble" play.] SEMINOLE INDIAN GUIDE: [sobbing] Don't tell me how to feel, Ross! [From "What to Do on a Date" play.] KAY: Oh, come on, Nick! Didn't I look the other way when you'd come home from playing miniature golf all night, your breath reeking of soda and ice cream? NICK: Miniature golf is a beautiful thing, Kay. How can I make you understand that? [From "A Day at the Fair" play.] ANN: Mom got tipsy and threw up at the cake tasting contest! [From "Days of Our Years" play.] LITTLE JIMMY: Why does Union Pacific Railroad hate us so much, Reverend? [Cut to repeat of title sequence with noisy metallic letters.] ANNOUNCER: This April, the play's the thing! 2nd ANNOUNCER: These plays have not been rated. Featuring new music by R.E.M. Sort of. [Fade out.]