===================================================================== SHINE ON, YOU CRAZY DELTA KNIGHT ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Quest of the Delta Knights" ===================================================================== [Lights up. Curtain rises. The setting is a rowdy tavern somewhere in Europe. It's vaguely Medieval. Downstage is a puffy-faced BARKEEP, sullenly polishing a grail. Various DAY PLAYERS in billowy costumes are sitting at the bar and at long wooden tables. They're drinking and cavorting and just generally doing Medieval stuff. Annoying Renaissance Fair music plays constantly in the background. There is a Medieval jukebox next to the bar, churning out the Middle Ages Muzak.] [Our hero, TRAVIS, is seated at a table upstage, guzzling ale from a decorative stein, and getting more on his chin and tunic than in his mouth. He is about thirty now and has not aged well. Once boyishly angelic and angelically boyish, he is now balding and bloated. We can see that years of guzzling mead have taken their toll on his complexion and speech. He is in the company of two DRINKING BUDDIES, LEROY and DILLER, both no-account ciphers. Travis is in the middle of a story as our play begins.] TRAVIS: And so the maiden... the maiden, she says, "Is that a lance you're carrying, or are you just happy to see me?" [Travis leans back. There is a pause of several seconds. Then, the drinking buddies snort with laughter. It took them a while to get the "joke."] LEROY: That's a good one, Tee. You're the best. DILLER: What did I tell you about this guy? He's a prophet! He knows off-color jokes that won't even be invented for centuries! LEROY: Not to mention filthy limericks! "There once was a young man named Lancelot." Hilarious! TRAVIS: That's not all. I also know all of the surefire "bar pickup lines" from the future. Check THIS out! [A plain-looking, unfriendly SERVING WENCH passes by Travis' table. He takes the opportunity to pinch her on the ass.] TRAVIS: Hey, darling, if I said you had a beautiful bodice, would you hold it against me? [Travis nudges his buddies, and they all snicker.] DILLER: Pretty smooth, Tee! [The Wench, utterly unimpressed, slaps Travis.] WENCH: [ticked off] Tee, you've been warned once already. I don't give away any freebies. Touch me ONE more time, and you're out on your ass. We can do without your business at this tavern! [This has reduced Travis and his buddies to stupefied silence. The Wench walks away, angrily. Travis calls after her, pathetically.] TRAVIS: Hey! Hey, come back here! You can't throw me out! I'm a freakin' Delta Knight! LEROY: You tell her, Tee! TRAVIS: [to Leroy] Stay out of this. [calling] I've got a destiny to uphold here! You don't want to interfere with destiny, do you? [The Serving Wench walks back onto the stage.] WENCH: [skeptical] It's your "destiny" to hang out in a tavern with lowlifes and have belching contests? TRAVIS: Hey, who am I to question the wisdom of Archimedes, huh? "So it is written." What more can I say? [Travis belches loudly to punctuate this little speech. The Serving Wench rolls her eyes in disgust and exits.] [Another pause, then Travis and his loser buddies go into conniption fits of laughter. It's revolting.] DILLER: You showed her, Travis. TRAVIS: I sure did, Diller. I sure did. [The men go back to drinking. Meanwhile, YODA, the wrinkly green dwarf from "The Empire Strikes Back," enters the tavern. He is played by a very short adult. He has pointy ears and white hair. He is wearing a brown robe and walks with difficulty, leaning on a cane. He looks around the tavern, sees Travis, and hobbles toward the drunkard's table.] [Once he reaches the table, he stands next to Travis' chair and speaks in the voice of Grover from "Sesame Street."] YODA: [looking up] Travis! [Travis hears something, but he doesn't see anyone when he looks around.] TRAVIS: Who said that? Leroy? Diller? [The drinking buddies shake their heads. Yoda tries again. He tugs gently on Travis' clothing.] YODA: Down here you must look. Yoda I am, and here I have come to get you back on track. TRAVIS: [looks down] Oh, there you are! I almost didn't see ya down there, little guy! Say, you're peculiar looking. Are from France or something? YODA: Travis, listen well. A disappointment you have been. Your way you have lost. TRAVIS: What do you mean, "a disappointment"? Do you know who you're talking to? YODA: Your destiny you have not fulfilled. Your gifts you have squandered. TRAVIS: Squandered? Didn't I blow up that Lord Vultare guy and keep him from unleashing that death ray thing from the secret storehouse? Sheesh! What more do they want from me? [Travis guzzles more ale, with limited accuracy.] YODA: Many years ago that was. Diddly squat you have done since then. Guidance you need, and guidance I can provide. TRAVIS: [hostile] Now you just listen up, Short Eyes. I am a Delta Knight. D-E-L-T-A. N-I-T-E. I don't need any Muppets telling me what to do! LEROY: Huh? Muppet? What's a Muppet? [Yoda looks disappointed and frustrated.] YODA: Uh, perhaps talk to your friend Leonardo I should. Where can I find him? TRAVIS: Leonardo? You mean Leo the Kegmeister? He got ahold of some bad ale, and he's been riding the Chamber Pot Express all night long if you get my drift. [Travis' drinking buddies laugh like schoolboys.] YODA: Then, still friends you two are? TRAVIS: Heck, yeah, we're still friends! It's a good thing Leo met me. He was wasting his life on that artsy-fartsy crap and those queer inventions. Luckily, I was able to convince him that all you really need in life's is a gut full of low-grade alcohol and a nice warm serving wench on your lap. THAT'S what being a Delta Knight is all about. LEROY: [sobbing] That's beautiful, man. DILLER: Yeah. You're the greatest poet of the Middle Ages, Travis. TRAVIS: [with mock humility] Well, I can't take all the credit. I got that from Archimedes, too. [to Yoda] Anyhow, Yoda, me and Leo spend most of our time here at the Bubonic Bar and Grill, except on Tuesdays. That's our kegling night. We consider it a good night our score is higher than our blood alcohol level. [Yoda looks very depressed.] YODA: [shaking his head] A sad day this is. A sad, sad day. An insurance salesman I should have been. [He exits, utterly defeated. Before he leaves, he takes a cellphone out of his robe and dials. He sounds more like James Woods now.] YODA: Hey, George? [pause] It's Yo. Anyhow, you can count me in for this "Phantom Menace" thing. [pause] Well, that didn't quite pan out the way I'd hoped. I'll explain the whole thing to you later. [He leaves the stage. Travis and the drinking buddies watch him go.] TRAVIS: What a creep! I've got half a mind to get out of this chair and go kick his little green ass in the parking lot. But right now, I've got to go on a quest. [This gets the attention of Leroy and Diller.] DILLER: Quest? LEROY: What kind of quest, Travis? TRAVIS: [suddenly sounding like the Travis of old] I cannot tell, my trusted companions, for the secret has been entrusted to me by Archimedes. [reverts to normal] But I can say that involves seeing a man about a horse. [A pause. Then Travis' buddies get the joke. They guffaw stupidly. Travis unsteadily gets up from the table and walks offstage, presumably to the bathroom.] LEROY: That Travis. What a kidder. DILLER "A man about a horse." That's a classic! [Silence. The annoying Ren-Fair music drones on and on.] LEROY: [yelling to the Barkeep] Hey, Ernie! BARKEEP: Yeah, Leroy? LEROY: Here's a doubloon. Play E-7. [Leroy tosses a coin to the Barkeep, who catches it.] BARKEEP: Comin' right up. [The Barkeep walks over to Ye Old Rockola, drops the coin in, and presses a button.] [Disco music comes from the jukebox, only arranged to sound like Ren-Fair music.] JUKEBOX: Do a little dance! Drink a little mead! Get Delta Knights! Get Delta Knights! [Leroy and Diller get up from the table and do dumb disco moves.] [Lights dim. Curtain falls.] [THE END]