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                 I'LL HAVE THE DEVILLED FISH
  (Or: "How Stella and Peter Got Their Respective Grooves Back")
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       a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net)
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                based on the movie "Devil Fish" 
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Think of this play as sort of a coda to the cinematic symphony
that is "Devil Fish."  Remember Peter and Stella, the stringy,
oddly-accented couple who bravely battled the Devil Fish and then
planned to take a vacation in the mountains?  Oh, come on, sure you
do!  They were in the movie a lot!  Well, anyway, trust me, they were
pretty much the stars of the film.  This play tries to answer the
hypothetical question: How could two people as dumb as Peter and
Stella hope to survive even a minute up in the mountains?  Let's
find out, won't we?

                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
[Lights up.  The curtain rises.  The set looks like it was left over
from "Alive."  We see fearsome, snow-covered mountains and hear 
howling wind.  Stagehands pour soap flakes from above the stage to
simulate a blizzard.]

[PETER and STELLA, two young Euro-Floridian go-getters in love, are
huddled together under a beach blanket.  Their skin is almost blue,
and they are obviously freezing to death.  They have no mountain
climbing equipment with them and seem to be dressed for the beach.
They have a difficult time talking due to the cold, but this is a
one-act play, so talk they must.]
 
STELLA: [whining] Pee-dur!  Is there anything left to eat?
PETER: [somber] No.  You ate the last Fruit Roll-Up half an hour ago.
       Remember?
STELLA: Oh yeah.  We probably should've brought more than an hour's
        worth of food on the trip with us.
PETER: Yeah.  Should've dressed warmer, too.  I didn't think it got so
       cold in the Andes... what with it being in SOUTH America and 
       all.
STELLA: This tube top I'm wearing provides virtually no protection
        against the bitter mountain air.
PETER:  And my cut-off shorts are powerless against the frigid 
        temperatures.

[A pause.]
 
STELLA: Pee-dur, if only one of us can survive, can it be me?  I mean,
        I work with dolphins and everything, and you're just a lowly 
        electrician.  Besides, I've got no flesh.  I wouldn't provide 
        any nourishment for you.
PETER: Hey, I wouldn't be much of a meal either.  Let's face it, we're
       both too stringy and gristly to cannibalize.
STELLA: You've got a point.  I guess we're doomed.

[She sighs.  Another pause.  They sit in grim silence.]
 
[Suddenly, Peter and Stella hear a sound like the rumbling of 
thunder from above.  A booming, heavily-echoed VOICE addresses them
from above.  They look up, amazed.]
 
VOICE: Peter and Stella!  Do not give up hope!
 
[Peter and Stella cling to each other out of fear.]

PETER:  Huh?  Who could it be?
STELLA: Pee-dur, I'm scared.  Hold me!

[Pause.]
 
PETER:  Uh, I already am holding you, Stella!

[We hear a harp playing as an actor playing the DEVIL FISH is lowered
onto the stage by wires.  He seems to float in the air.  The Devil
Fish has a shark's body and an octopus's tentacles, but you can see
the actor's face through the mouth, just like the Land Shark played
by Chevy Chase on "Saturday Night Live."  The Devil Fish now also
has wings and a halo, and is bathed in celestial white light, giving
him an angelic glow.  He talks like Victor Mature.]

STELLA: [pointing] Pee-dur!  It's the octo-shark-fish thing!
DEVIL FISH: Do not be alarmed!  I am the Archangel Devil Fish, and
            I am here to help you.  After you burned me to death, I 
            was assumed into Heaven and entered into the grace of 
            God's Kingdom.  Thanks to you, I have now found the peace 
            and joy that eluded me in life.
 
[A pause as Peter and Stella absorb this.]

PETER: So you don't hold a grudge against us?

[The Devil Fish chuckles reassuringly.]
 
DEVIL FISH: Why, of course not!  [suddenly serious]  But we haven't got
            much time left before you two freeze to death.  Quickly,
            grab ahold of my tentacles.

[Stella giggles.  Peter admonishes her.]

PETER: He said "tentacles," Stella.
STELLA: Oh.
 
[The devil fish is lowered down closer to Peter and Stella.  They
weakly attempt to grab its tentacles.]
 
STELLA: How can we ever thank you, Mr. Devil Fish?
DEVIL FISH: The look of gratitude on your faces is all the thanks I
            need.  
PETER: [straining] Okay, I've almost got ahold of your tentacles.  If
       you could just come a little closer.
 
[Suddenly, the Devil Fish rises upward quickly out of Peter and
Stella's reach.  Peter falls face first into the snow.  The celestial
light dims and is replaced by a demonic red glow.  Peter and Stella are
confused and shocked.  The tone of the Devil Fish's voice changes
drastically.  He now sounds like Danny DeVito.]
 
PETER & STELLA:  Wha...?
DEVIL FISH: You doorknobs!  Did you think I was REALLY going to help
            you after what you did to me?
STELLA: Yes!
PETER: Honestly, we did!
DEVIL FISH: Ha!  Fat chance!  I hope you freeze your bony European 
            asses off out here!  They don't call me the DEVIL Fish
            for nothing, ya know!  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a 
            date to play Gnip-Gnop with Janis Joplin.

[He snickers contentedly.  The Devil Fish is pulled up above the stage
and disappears from our view.] 

[A pause.  Peter and Stella are left alone to ponder the significance
of these events.]
 
STELLA: Pee-dur, is there anything left to eat?
PETER: [impatiently] You already asked that, Stella.
 
[AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" blares over the theater's sound system as
the lights slowly dim and the curtain falls.]
 
                           [THE END]