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               NEIL SIMON'S THE SCREAMING ODD COUPLE
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       a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net)
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               based on the movie "Screaming Skull"
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[Lights up.  Curtain rises.  The play takes place on the steps leading
to an eerie, foreboding mansion.  All we see onstage are the stairs and
a painted backdrop of the mansion.  It is a sunny afternoon.  ERIC and
JENNY, two intensely creepy newlyweds, are relaxing on the stairs and
look exhausted.  There is not even a flicker of passion or even strong
regard between them.]
 
JENNY: I'm sorry you had to burn that portrait of Marion because of
       me.  I know she was important to you, being your first wife
       and all.
ERIC: Think nothing of it.  YOU'RE my wife now, and if that painting
      was causing you to have psychotic episodes, then, by gum, I'm 
      willing to torch my first wife's memory like so much garbage. 
JENNY: Well, I appreciate it.
 
[Pause.]

ERIC: Jenny...
JENNY: Yes?
ERIC: [hesitantly] Jenny, now that we're married, I think it's
      important that we're totally honest and open with one another.
      I don't want us to  keep any secrets.
JENNY: I feel the same way, Eric.
ERIC: I'm glad to hear you say that, because I've got something to 
      tell you.  You know Mickey, our socially-retarded, goat-like 
      gardener?
JENNY: Oh, you mean the nice fellow who's been watching me as I sleep? 
ERIC: That's the one.  
JENNY: What about him?
ERIC: Well, Jenny, there's no easy way to put this.  [Pause.]
      Mickey and I were lovers several years ago.  I met him while
      trying to seduce some sailors on shore-leave at a waterfront
      bar.  We had an intensely physical relationship, and when it
      ended, I hired him as my groundskeeper.  I hope that doesn't
      upset you too much.

[Jenny's face registers shock and dismay.  Somewhat.]

JENNY: I-I guess I can live with that.  I'm not..
ERIC: [continues] It's pretty much over between us, anyway.  [Pause.]
      Well, I HAVE been known to fall into bed with him now and again,
      especially on nights when I've had too much to drink... which is
      fairly often, since I'm an unrepentant alcoholic.  

[Jenny registers more muted shock and low-key dismay.]

ERIC: Did I mention that while we were dating?
JENNY: No, it, uh... it never came up.  I didn't know.
ERIC: Oh, drat.  I *did* mean to tell you, but I just never got around 
      to it.  [Laughs.] Oh well.  At least you know now, huh?

[Jenny has seemingly slipped into a catatonic state.]
 
JENNY: I... you... I...

[Eric keeps talking, oblivious to Jenny's reactions.]
 
ERIC: And while I'm bringing these types of things up, you're probably 
      going to hear some scraping and clanking sounds coming from the 
      attic.  That'll be Runcie, the deformed child I had with Marion. 
      He was so hideously disfigured, the doctors were reluctant to 
      call him human, but we grew to love him.  Then, after his 
      unfortunate murder spree, we just decided it would be best for 
      everyone to keep him locked up in the attic.  We toss some dead 
      possums to him now and again, and he seems fine.  If you leave 
      him alone, he'll leave you alone.
 
[Jenny is speechless now.  She just stares blankly ahead and makes
sounds, all the while shaking her head slowly.]
 
JENNY: [quietly] Uhhhh.  Zuhhhh.  Muhhhhh.
 
[Eric keeps blathering on, quite cheerful.]

ERIC: It's great that I can talk to you like this.  I mean, with some 
      women, I'd be reluctant to bring up the fact that I'm a member 
      of the Nazi party and the KKK.  But I feel like I can tell you 
      anything, Jenny.
 
[Jenny holds herself as if she's freezing.  She rocks back and forth.
Eric continues his speech.]
 
ERIC: Hey, Jen, did I ever tell about the time I pledged my eternal 
      soul to Satan?  Yup, I'm pretty much a minion of the Dark
      Overlord.
 
[Jenny faints dead away, which finally gets Eric's attention.  He
grabs her and shakes her.]
 
ERIC: Jenny!  Jenny, speak to me!  Are you okay?  Do you need some 
      uppers or something?  Because I have plenty of them stashed 
      away.  Anything I can't peddle at the local elementary school, 
      I keep.
 
[Jenny slowly regains consciousness.  She opens her eyes a little and
speaks softly.] 
 
JENNY: I... I'm okay, I guess.  I just feel a little lightheaded.
       That's all.  Must be the fumes from the burning portrait.
ERIC: I know how you feel.  I get the same way when I go for too long
      without drinking the blood of the living.  Isn't that funny?
 
[Jenny faints again.]
 
ERIC: [concerned] Jenny...?

[Eric holds Jenny and tries to wake her.]
 
[Lights slowly dim.  Curtain falls.]
 
                              [THE END]