===================================================================== ROWSDOWER AND TROY AREN'T DEAD... AND NEITHER ONE OF THEM IS RAPPAPORT, EITHER ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Final Sacrifice" ===================================================================== [Lights up. Curtain rises. The setting is a clearing in the forest, somewhere in Canada in the 1980s. There is a fake campfire glowing in the middle of the stage. In the background, "ZAP" ROWSDOWER, a paunchy, mustachioed schlub with hockey hair, is warming his sausage- like fingers by the fire. TROY, a pale, helium-voiced lad, is curled up on the ground. He is upstage, facing away from Rowsdower.] TROY: Rowsdower? [A beat.] ROWSDOWER: [stoically] Yeah, kid? TROY: How come ya have that mustache? [A beat.] ROWSDOWER: 'Cause I like havin' a mustache. Get some sleep. [A few seconds pass. Rowsdower scratches himself.] TROY: Rowsdower? ROWSDOWER: [getting annoyed now] What is it, kid? TROY: When I die, will I go to Heaven? [A beat.] ROWSDOWER: You ask a lotta questions, kid. TROY: Yeah, but I want to know, Rowsdower. ROWSDOWER: Eh... sure. Now get to sleep. [Troy remains quiet for about thirty seconds. During that time, Rowsdower quietly hums a Guess Who song and plays "air drums" with his index fingers.] TROY: Uh, Rowsdower? [Rowsdower rolls his eyes.] ROWSDOWER: Look, kid, I said get to sleep. TROY: I know, but... ROWSDOWER: But what? TROY: Well, I, uh... I can't get to sleep unless... ROWSDOWER: [impatient] Unless what? TROY: Unless someone tells me a story. [Rowsdower groans.] ROWSDOWER: Oh, for the love of Don Cherry! TROY: C'mon, Rowsdower, please? For me? ROWSDOWER: [sighs] Oh, all right! Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom known as Canada, there was a very brave young prince. TROY: What was his name? ROWSDOWER: His name? Uh... his name was Gary. Anyway, one day Prince Gary was walking along in the forest and... TROY: [interrupting] Did he have any brothers? ROWSDOWER: Uh, sure. He had three brothers. TROY: What were their names? ROWSDOWER: Um, their names were Brian, Patrick, and, uh... Tommy. Are you gonna let me finish this story or not? TROY: [sheepishly] I'm sorry. Go ahead with the story. ROWSDOWER: So, anyhow, Prince Gary was walking along in the forest one day, and he looks and finds himself an enchanted, uh... bottle of Molson Canadian. [Pause.] And, uh, since he was real thirsty, he drank it. [Pause.] And it gave him super powers, and he lived happily ever after. The end. [A few precious seconds of silence. Rowsdower heaves a sigh of relief, thinking Troy's gone to sleep.] TROY: Rowsdower? ROWSDOWER: [clearly annoyed] What is now, kid? TROY: Did Prince Gary get married? ROWSDOWER: Yes! [Pause.] To a woman named Susan! [Pause.] And they had three kids... and their names were Phyllis, Mark, and Sharon! Now GO TO SLEEP! [Dead silence for about a minute. Rowsdower starts to drift off to a boozy slumber.] TROY: Rowsdower? [Rowsdower puts his hands over his ears and starts singing to drown out Troy.] ROWSDOWER: La la la la la! I'm not listening! La la la la la! TROY: [a little louder] Rowsdower? ROWSDOWER: Na na na na na! I can't hear you! Na na na na na! [Troy, unfazed, talks over this.] TROY: Rowsdower, will _I_ ever get married? How come you aren't married yet? What's that smell in your truck? What do you do for a living, anyway? Do you ever change clothes? Can I go to the bathroom? [Troy continues asking questions, and Rowsdower continues to ignore him as the lights slowly dim to black. The curtain falls.] [THE END]