===================================================================== ANALYZE WHAT? OR: THE BAD TOUCH OF SATAN ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Touch of Satan" ===================================================================== [The curtain rises. The scene is a psychiatrist's office. There is a couch at center stage, close to the upstage wall, and a chair to stage right of it. The room is sparsely decorated, but there is a curtain on the wall just behind the couch. MELISSA, a good-natured but simple farmgirl in league with the Dark One, is seated on the couch. The PSYCHIATRIST is seated in a chair across from her, a pad of paper in hand. There is a pause before he speaks.] PSYCH: Uh huh. Now let me see if I've got this straight. You sold your soul to the devil to save the life of your sister Lucinda. Then, as time went on, she began to grow old while you remained young and chipper. Now, is this when she started methodically killing people? [Pause.] MELISSA: Umm, I believe so. I've blocked most of it out because I'm rather simple, you see. PSYCH: Yes. So you are repressing certain memories, is that right? [Pause.] MELISSA: Yes, doctor. [Slightly longer pause.] PSYCH: I see. Tell me, are any of these repressed memories of a... sexual nature? [Extremely pregnant pause.] MELISSA: Well, there was one time, back in the 1870s, when I made out with a boy in the field behind my father's house, but I remember that quite clearly-- PSYCH: No, that's not what I meant. I mean, in all of your dealings with the Horned One, were you ever... touched by him? [An incredible long pause.] MELISSA: Well, yes, I suppose he did touch me once. [The PSYCHIATRIST's eyes light up.] PSYCH: And did Satan ever cross the boundary between a "good touch" and a "bad touch"? [A whopping great pause. Sound of rain outside.] MELISSA: I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. [A brief pause. Certainly much shorter than it takes to read this entire stage direction.] PSYCH: Melissa, I know you've only been coming to me for a couple weeks, but I feel you should trust me here. We are about to make what I believe to be a major breakthrough. Now, I am going to give you a doll, and what I want you to do is point to the place on the doll where Our Dark Master touched you. [He pulls out a simple-looking doll and holds it out to MELISSA. MELISSA has a look in her eyes like a deer caught in headlights.] PSYCH: No, no. Don't be afraid. I would never tell old Pitch what you revealed to me in a confidential doctor-patient session. [There is a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning -- revealing a horned FIGURE standing behind the curtain.] MELISSA: Really? PSYCH: Really. [Medium-sized pause.] MELISSA: Because I've gotten in trouble with him before. I wouldn't want to say anything if there was any chance it would get back to him. PSYCH: Of course. But like I said, you don't have to say anything. All you have to do is point to the doll. [Pause.] MELISSA: That's all? PSYCH: That's all. [No pause at all.] MELISSA: And you won't tell anyone? PSYCH: I am honor-bound not to reveal to anyone -- especially the Prince of Darkness -- what passes between us in this office. [A decent pause. Thunder again.] MELISSA: Okay, may I see the doll? PSYCH: Certainly. [He hands MELISSA the doll and looks upstage just as a clawed hand reaches through the curtain.] MELISSA: Okay. Doctor, the devil touched me... [She is about to point to a very naughty bit when the figure behind the curtain sneezes. Melissa drops the doll and looks upstage just as the hand is retracted.] MELISSA: What was that? PSYCH: Oh, I'm sorry. I appear to have a touch of hay fever. [He sneezes unconvincingly.] PSYCH: Go on. You were just about to show me where our Lord and Master, Beelzebub, touched you. [An uncertain pause.] MELISSA: Uhh, yeah. [MELISSA picks up the doll again. The FIGURE starts to reach through the curtain again, this time with both hands. The PSYCHIATRIST looks quite expectant again.] MELISSA: Okay. The devil touched me...here. [She points to the doll's shoulder. The clawed hands, which were about to crush her skull, freeze. The PSYCHIATRIST is stunned.] PSYCH: That's it? MELISSA: What? PSYCH: He touched you on the shoulder? MELISSA: Yes. What, is that a "bad touch"? PSYCH: Er, no. As a matter of fact, it's quite an innocent touch, really. MELISSA: Oh. Well, that's a relief. [One of clawed hands taps MELISSA on the shoulder. She screams when she sees it.] MELISSA: Oh, my God! It's him! It's him! It's him! [She jumps out of her seat and stands, just as the FIGURE leans through the curtain. It is wearing an obviously fake devil mask and claws on his hands.] FIGURE: Boo! [MELISSA is in shock, until the FIGURE removes the mask, revealing himself to be none other than JODIE, the well-meaning young man who sold his soul to the devil to save her life. There is an incredibly long pause while MELISSA tries to figure out just what the heck is going on and everyone finishes reading this stage direction.] MELISSA: Jodie? What are you doing here? [JODIE steps out from behind the couch and stands with the PSYCHIATRIST, who rises.] JODIE: Sorry. I didn't mean to rush to Halloween season, but well I had this mask and the claws, and... PSYCH: Let's cut to the chase. I'm afraid the brilliant idea of using them to scare you... was my idea. MELISSA: Your idea? But what about doctor-patient confidentality? [JODIE and the PSYCHIATRIST exchange a glance.] PSYCH: Well, I suppose I would be worried about it...if I were really a doctor. [A "Meet Joe Black"-length pause. The ball drops.] MELISSA: Wait, you mean... Oh, you guys. [She hugs them both. Huge, fake applause as they freeze in place. Lights fade, leaving an eerie red glow. We hear evil laughter over the speakers. Fade to black.] T H E E N D