===================================================================== HOBGOBLINS 2: THE GRUE BATCH ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Hobgoblins" ===================================================================== [Lights up on brightly-lit lobby at center stage. KEVIN and AMY -- the well-adjusted couple from the movie -- enter. KEVIN is dressed in a sailor suit and AMY has an extremely revealing outfit on.] KEVIN: Gee, Amy, I sure am glad we moved to New York together and both found work at the same conglomerate. AMY: So am I, Kevin. It was just our luck that Mr. Cramp had job openings for both of us. [KEVIN goes to kiss her, but AMY deflects him and makes a big show of looking at her watch.] AMY: Oh, if I don't hurry, I'm going to be late for my first day on the job. Wish me luck. KEVIN: Good luck. So, what do you doing? AMY: Why, I'm Mr. Cramp's personal secretary. And you? KEVIN: Me? I'm working at Mr. Cramp's club. AMY: Then what is with your outfit? KEVIN: Oh, it's a theme club. I guess it's supposed to be nautical. AMY: Well, I hope it's nothing like Club Scum, where we had our run-in with those nasty hobgoblins a couple years back. KEVIN: Oh, don't you worry about it. I'm sure we've seen the last of those creatures. Well, bye. AMY: Bye. [He goes to kiss her again but she ducks out of it and quickly exits. KEVIN calls after her.] KEVIN: I'll see you at lunch! [But she is gone. The lights change to suggest the interior of a club. This can be done by alternating red and blue lights. KEVIN looks around, bewildered. A GRUFF MAN in his 50s wearing a soiled undershirt enters from stage left with a mop, which he hands to KEVIN.] GRUFF: Okay, kid. Here's the deal. You keep the bathrooms clean and you'll keep our clients happy. KEVIN: Okay. [The GRUFF MAN starts to leave.] KEVIN: Uhh, sir? Why do I have to wear this outfit? I don't see any other sailing paraphernalia around here. GRUFF: Don't worry about it, kid. Oh, and if you need any more cleaning supplies, they're right here in this closet. [A light reveals a door at upstage left. The GRUFF MAN exits.] KEVIN: Oh, okay. [He hears a toilet being flushed offstage and exits. Lights change to an office at stage right. This is represented by just a desk, at which AMY sits. She is slow on her computer, which is incredibly ancient by modern standards, especially considering this play takes place in 1990. Anyway, Mr. CRAMP -- a well-dressed man in his mid-30s with slicked-back hair -- enters from stage right. He takes a seat on the AMY's desk.] CRAMP: Hello, Amy. AMY: Hi, Mr. Cramp! CRAMP: How are you doing with that memo I gave you this morning? AMY: Oh, just fine. I'm almost finished with it. CRAMP: Good. When it's finished I want you to make 4,300 copies and distribute them to everyone in the building. AMY: Okay. [She goes back to her remedial hunting and pecking.] CRAMP: I can't tell you how important it is to let all of our employees know how dangerous it would be to open the supply closet in the, er, gentlemen's club on the second floor. AMY: Well, they'll find out all right. CRAMP: Great. [He rises.] CRAMP: Oh, by the way, did I tell you how good you look in that outfit? AMY: Mr. Cramp! I told you, I already have a boyfriend. CRAMP: Yeah, whatever. Just make sure that memo gets out ASAP. AMY: Okay, Mr. Cramp. [CRAMP exits.] AMY: ...As soon as I figure out how to get this funny TV screen onto the photo copier. [Lights change back to the club. KEVIN enters with his mop, which is now quite dirty.] KEVIN: Man, I don't know what goes on in those bathrooms, but I sure do need a new mop. [He goes over to the closet and opens it. Immediately, about a half a dozen hobgoblins get thrown out of the closet door by easily-seen STAGEHANDS. They overwhelm KEVIN, who falls to the floor, covered in the immobile little imps. We hear an ERUDITE VOICE over the loudspeakers, which presumably is coming from one of the hobgoblins -- in particular, the one that is wearing eyeglasses.] ERUDITE VOICE: Mwahahaha! We are free once again! [Blackout. Lights go up on lobby at center stage. AMY stands there, looking at her watch.] AMY: Where could Kevin be? He was supposed to meet me for lunch. [CRAMP enters from stage right, talking with an impressive-looking SCIENTIST in a lab coat.] CRAMP: So where did these creatures come from, doctor? SCIENTIST: Oh, my twin lab assistants found them in an alley while they were on one of those studio tours. CRAMP: Universal? SCIENTIST: No, I believe it was on this planet. CRAMP: [just noticing Amy] Good afternoon, Amy. Have you got that memo finished yet? AMY: Just about, sir. I'm going to take care of it after lunch. The only thing is, I can't go to lunch until my boyfriend arrives. CRAMP: Ah, yes, Calvin. I gave him the job in the club, didn't I? Well, I'm sure he won't keep you waiting too long. [He turns back to the SCIENTIST and they continue to talk as they exit out the other side of the stage.] CRAMP: Now, doctor, you say these... What did you call them? SCIENTIST: Hobgoblins, sir. CRAMP: Yes, you say these hobgoblins got into some of your experiments before you could lock them in the supply closet of the, er, club on the second floor? SCIENTIST: Yes. CRAMP: Well, what kinds of experiments were they? SCIENTIST: Oh, mostly genetic... [They are gone. AMY waits for a few more seconds, then remembers her cue.] AMY: Wait, did they say hobgoblins? In the club on the second floor? But that's where Kevin is working! [She exits quickly. Blackout. When they lights come up, we are back in the club and the hobgoblins have been set up in a semicricle around KEVIN, who is lying prone on the floor. Besides the "brain" hobgoblin, the others are similarly mutated, but as they cannot move at all, this is really a moot point. Anyway, KEVIN slowly comes to and sits up.] KEVIN: Wow, that was strange. What a queer job. I wish I knew what kind of a club this was. ERUDITE VOICE: Oh, that can be arranged, young Kevin. KEVIN: [looking up] Who said that? [Before he can react, porno-type music starts playing over the speakers and TWO MALE DANCERS enter. They both start groping KEVIN and stripping off the clothes. At first KEVIN resists, but then he starts to get into it. AMY enters and -- seeing what is going on -- screams.] AMY: Oh my God! [She then, one by one, stamps all of the hobgoblins to death. The TWO MALE DANCERS writhe in agony and we hear the VOICE on the speaker system as the music cuts out.] ERUDITE VOICE: No, no! Please! We weren't going to kill him! We were just showing him his true nature! We--ARRGH!!! [And, with that, AMY stomps the last hobgoblin to death. The TWO DANCERS run offstage as the lights change to normal. AMY cradles KEVIN -- whose sailor outfit is now in tatters -- in her arms.] AMY: Oh, Kevin! How can I ever forgive myself? Kevin! [KEVIN groggily comes to.] KEVIN: Wow, Amy. I just had the strangest-- [looks at his outfit] ...dream? [Suddenly, CRAMP and the SCIENTIST enter. The SCIENTIST notices that the closet door is open.] SCIENTIST: Oh, no! We're too late! They've escaped! AMY: It's okay, doctor. I killed them all. SCIENTIST: _You_ killed them? CRAMP: Good work, Amy. AMY: Thank you, Mr. Cramp. CRAMP: And Calvin? KEVIN: That's Kevin. CRAMP: Whatever. You owe me for a new sailor suit, bucko. [CRAMP and the SCIENTIST exit. AMY helps KEVIN up.] AMY: Well, I'm glad to see you're okay. KEVIN: So am I, Amy. So am I. AMY: Are you ready to eat now? KEVIN: Yeah, let's get out of here. [They start to leave.] KEVIN: Although I think I'm going to came back here after work hours. [AMY stops in her tracks and stares at KEVIN.] AMY: Why would you want to do that? KEVIN: Uhh...to make sure that all of the hobgoblins are gone? [Pause.] AMY: Oh, that's all right, then. [They continue on their way and KEVIN gives one glance at the closet as they exit.] T H E E N D COMING SOON: [906] Jim Henson's Space Children Babies [905] The Deadly B-Sides [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [903] Strong Enough For A Puma Man, But Made For A Puma Woman [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man (These titles subject to change at any moment. Void if read in the existential universe. Soylent Green is people.)