===================================================================== THE DEADLY B-SIDES ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Deadly Bees" ===================================================================== [Lights up on recording studio. There is a booth at upstage right -- similar to the set-up used in "The Alan Parsons Projected Man" -- only this time it is just part of the set. At downstage left is a microphone and a music stand with a lyric sheet on it. In the booth are an ENGINEER and a TAPE OP (who is not Alan Parsons at all). They are getting set up for the day's recording, checking levels and cleaning tape heads.] TAPE OP: So, do you know what we're doing today? ENGINEER: I have no idea. I hope it's something challenging. Twiddling knobs in the service of some vacuous pop singer is not what I got into this business for. TAPE OP: Yeah, well maybe we'll get lucky and get one of those up-and-coming psychedelic bands. I heard the Pink Floyd is supposedly working on a single or something. I don't see how, since all of their songs are like 15 minutes long... ENGINEER: The Pink Floyd? I've never heard of them. TAPE OP: Yeah, well you obviously don't go to the right parties. ENGINEER: I guess not. [Door opens inside the booth and the PRODUCER enters. The ENGINEER and TAPE OP instantly come to attention.] PRODUCER: Good morning, Harold. Morning, William. ENGINEER & TAPE OP: Good morning, Mr. Francis. PRODUCER: Okay, people. Today we are doing the B-side for the latest single by pop sensation Vicki Robbins. [The ENGINEER and TAPE OP are visibly disappointed.] PRODUCER: Now the backing track was already laid down before she went on her vacation, so all we have to do is get her vocals down, got it? ENGINEER & TAPE OP: Yes, sir. [The PRODUCER hands the TAPE OP a tape to cue up.] ENGINEER: Sir, is there any chance of us working on a session for a more important artist? TAPE OP: Like, say, the Pink Floyd? PRODUCER: Who? TAPE OP: No, not the Who. The Pink Floyd. [There is a long pause while no one in the universe laughs at this lame attempt at a "joke."] PRODUCER: William, you like your job here, don't you? TAPE OP: Yes, Mr. Francis. PRODUCER: Then can the comedy and just cue up the tape. TAPE OP: Yes, Mr. Francis. [While he's cueing it up, the door to the studio opens and in walk VICKI ROBBINS and her AGENT. VICKI still looks somewhat shaken from her traumatic vacation on Seagull Island, but manages to keep a certain amount of composure.] PRODUCER: Ah, they're here. [speaks into microphone] Good morning, Vicki. How are you feeling today? VICKI: I'm all right. Thank you. PRODUCER: Anything you need, just ask and we'll get it for you. TAPE OP: [under his breath] More like I'll get it for you. [The PRODUCER shoots him a glare. Meanwhile, the AGENT is talking to VICKI.] AGENT: Are you sure you feel up to this? Because we can put it off if you like. VICKI: No, I'm fine. Really. AGENT: We would just have to push the street date of the single back a couple of weeks. It's no big deal. VICKI: No, I want to do this. I *have* to do this. AGENT: All right. You know what's best. [calling up to booth] We're ready when you are. [to VICKI] I'll be right up in the booth if you need me. VICKI: Thank you. [The AGENT exits.] PRODUCER: Okay, Vicki. If you would go to the microphone, you will find the lyrics to this song on the music stand. Would you like to do a run-through or two or-- VICKI: No, I would just like to get to the recording if you don't mind. PRODUCER: Very well. It will just be one more moment and we'll get going. [VICKI takes her place in front of the microphone, the lyric sheet in hand. The AGENT arrives in the control booth and stands to the side, observing. The PRODUCER nods to the ENGINEER, who nods to the TAPE OP, who starts the tape.] ENGINEER: Vicki Robbins B-side, vocal track, take one. [There is a brief pause, and then the music starts. It is pretty typical and bland mid-60s Britpop. Once the intro is over, VICKI begins singing, somewhat hesitantly at first.] VICKI: The birds are singing The sun is shining It's a sun sun sunny day. No clouds hang o'er me The weather's lovely It's a love love lovely day. [She pauses while the music goes into the chorus. Meanwhile, the ENGINEER -- with his headphones on -- listens intently.] I hope that no one gives me a pinch or a shove Cause this is how I feel whenever I'm in love. [The ENGINEER leans over and whispers something to the PRODUCER.] The bees are buzzing Children are playing It's a hap hap happy day. The-- [Before she can continue, the song cuts out.] PRODUCER: I'm sorry, Vicki. We're going to have to stop there. We're getting a buzz. VICKI: A buzz? PRODUCER: Yes, some kind of buzzing sound. That's what you heard, right? ENGINEER: Yes. PRODUCER: Let's spin back to the chorus and see if we can isolate it. [The tape is wound back and VICKI, who is somewhat on edge, tries deep breathing to calm herself. The AGENT notices and looks concerned, but before he can say anything...] PRODUCER: We're ready now, Vicki. Are you ready? VICKI: Yes. [The tape is started just before the chorus and VICKI lauches into it with gusto.] VICKI: I hope that no one gives me a pinch or a shove Cause this is what it feels like whenever I'm in love. [The ENGINEER whispers to the PRODUCER again.] The bees are buzzing Children are playing It's a hap hap-- [The song cuts out again.] PRODUCER: I'm sorry, Vicki. The buzz is still there. We'll need a minute to clear this up. [VICKI looks distracted. The AGENT goes on the mike.] AGENT: Are you feeling okay, Vicki? You look a little pale. VICKI: No, no. I'm fine. [The PRODUCER finishes conferring with the ENGINEER, who gives him a thumbs up.] PRODUCER: Okay, it's taken care of it. Are you ready to give this another shot? AGENT: [taking mike] You know, you don't have to if you don't want to-- VICKI: No, I'll do it. From the top? PRODUCER: Er, yes. Give us a minute. [The tape is rewound and VICKI, who was on edge before, is starting to look a little more frazzled. The tape is started again.] ENGINEER: Vicki Robbins B-side, vocal track, take two. [The music begins. When VICKI comes in it is clear her mind is on something other than what she is doing.] VICKI: The birds are singing The sun is shining It's a sun sun sunny day. The weather's lovely The bees are buzzing And they're stinging everyone. [The music cuts out before the chorus begins.] PRODUCER: I'm sorry to stop you again, Vicki, but those aren't the lyrics. TAPE OP: The first verse was. PRODUCER: You stay out of this. Well, Vicki? VICKI: Er, I decided to change them around a little. I wrote them. I can change them if I want. PRODUCER: [off mike] Can she do that? AGENT: She can do whatever she wants. PRODUCER: [on mike] Okay, Vicki. What do you want to do? VICKI: I just want to do one take of the whole song, if that's possible. [Everyone in the booth exchanges a glance -- VICKI is starting to act really bizarre. The AGENT goes on the mike.] AGENT: Vicki, love, are you sure you don't want to-- VICKI: I SAID LET'S RECORD IT! [The AGENT instinctively backs away. The TAPE OP quickly rewinds the tape.] PRODUCER: Okay, okay. When you're ready. VICKI: And don't stop the song for anything. PRODUCER: As you wish. [nods to ENGINEER] ENGINEER: Vicki Robbins B-side, vocal track, take three. [The music starts and everyone in the booth watches intently as VICKI begins to sing. Her singing becomes more and more erratic as the song goes on.] VICKI: The birds are singing The bees are buzzing And they're stinging everyone. The hives are swarming There's no escape And I don't know how to get home. Too late to hope that no one gives me a pinch The bees have taken hold and they're not giving an inch. Poor Mrs. Hargrove But first the dog Who only ever wanted its meat. Well they're both dead now I should be, too, But Mr. Manfred made a mistake. I wish that I could say I had a nice rest But being attacked by bees is not what I like best. [VICKI waits while there is an instrumental bridge. Suddenly, she smacks her neck. She is horrified to discover that she has killed a bee. She is even more horrified when she is attacked by dozens of them, all pouring out of the microphone. Up in the booth, the AGENT looks aghast.] AGENT: What's going on? What is she doing? PRODUCER: I don't know, but it's fascinating. TAPE OP: Really psychedelic. ENGINEER: Wait, I'm hearing that buzzing again. PRODUCER: I don't care. Keep rolling. Maybe it can be a novelty hit. [All attention is back on VICKI when the verse comes around again.] VICKI: Someone please help me The bees are here And now they're getting their revenge. YOU CAN STOP THE TAPE NOW! I REALLY MEAN IT! COME AND HELP ME OR I'LL BE DEAD! [Instead of the chorus, she just screams and falls to the floor, swatting at the bees that keep coming and coming. Her AGENT makes a break for the door. AGENT: I'm going to help her. PRODUCER: No! You'll ruin the take! [But he is out the door. The PRODUCER nods to the TAPE OP, who follows the AGENT. Meanwhile, VICKI continues screaming as the music starts to fade out. The door to the studio opens, but the AGENT is restrained by the TAPE OP. The AGENT cries out.] AGENT: Vicki! [The music fades completely and VICKI's screaming ceases. The ENGINEER fades out the board and gets up to turn off the tape machine. The PRODUCER gets on the mike.] PRODUCER: Okay, you can let him go now. [The TAPE OP lets go of the AGENT, who goes to VICKI.] PRODUCER: Yes, that's going to be quite a B-side. Not quite what we were expecting, but Vicki Robbins is full of surprises. ENGINEER: The buzzing won't be a problem? PRODUCER: No, in fact the buzzing will enhance the overall sound. ENGINEER: I guess that's why you're the producer and I'm just the engineer. PRODUCER: Yes. [Meanwhile in the studio, the AGENT has been cradling VICKI's body.] AGENT: Oh, Vicki, why did you have to leave me? You were my meal ticket. [He closes his eyes and rocks her violently. She comes to and, when she opens her eyes, is quite bewildered.] VICKI: What are you doing? AGENT: Vicki! You're all right! [He helps her up.] VICKI: Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be? AGENT: But you were flailing your arms around and screaming your head off. It was right in the middle of a take. VICKI: Oh, I must have been having some sort of flashback. It happens from time to time. I don't know what causes them. [to PRODUCER] Excuse me, but do we need to do the song again? I probably wasn't in my right mind the last time through. PRODUCER: Oh, no. As a matter of fact, that last take was perfect. VICKI: Really? Can we hear it back? PRODUCER: Sure. [The ENGINEER rewinds the tape and then plays it from the beginning. However, instead of the song, all we hear is a faint buzzing.] ENGINEER: Oh, shoot. I have the wrong faders up. [But it's too late. Before he can fix the problem, VICKI puts her hands over her ears and starts screaming. Then, just as suddenly as she started, she stops, fainting dead away.] AGENT: Well, I think we know what causes them. [Blackout.] T H E E N D COMING SOON: [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [906] Jim Henson's Space Children Babies (if anyone has a better suggestion for this title, do not hesitate to contact me) and possibly some season eight eps, too, if I get really bored