===================================================================== WHERE WOLF? THERE WOLF! ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Werewolf" ===================================================================== [Lights up on office. There is a desk to stage right, behind which sits a middle-aged EDITOR. There is a chair in the middle of the room, a door at stage left and a window on the upstage wall. It is the end of the work day, so it is starting to get dark out. The EDITOR is looking over a manuscript when his intercom buzzes.] EDITOR: Yes? INTERCOM VOICE: Paul Niles is here to see you. EDITOR: Who? INTERCOM VOICE: Paul Niles, the _writer._ EDITOR: Oh, yes. Send him right in. [He puts the manuscript aside as the door opens and PAUL enters.] EDITOR: Hey, Paul! How's it going? PAUL: Oh, I'm all right. I'm glad you could see me. EDITOR: Oh, you know me. I always have time for my writers. Have a seat. [PAUL takes a seat.] EDITOR: I say, Arizona must have agreed with you. You look like a changed man. PAUL: Well, you could say that. EDITOR: I think I just did. [They both laugh. It is forced. The EDITOR ends it abruptly.] EDITOR: So, get any writing done out there? PAUL: Oh. Funny you should ask that. [He laughs nervously. The EDITOR does not.] EDITOR: No, it isn't. I really want to know. [PAUL stops laughing and shifts uneasily in his chair.] PAUL: Oh. Well, I, umm, did a lot of, er, research. EDITOR: Research? PAUL: Yeah, I got a lot of material for my new, er, novel. EDITOR: Well, that's great! [He leans back in his chair.] EDITOR: Tell me all about it. PAUL: Okay... It's about this guy, kinda like me. And he goes out to Arizona to get some writing done-- EDITOR: He's a writer? PAUL: Yeah. EDITOR: Okay. Lots of stories about writers out there already, but go on. PAUL: [after a pause] All right. So this writer, let's call him... Peter. Yes. Peter is out in Arizona to get some writing done, and he meets this woman-- EDITOR: Is she married? PAUL: Who? EDITOR: The woman. PAUL: No. EDITOR: Because it would make for an interesting complication if she were, but never mind. Go on. PAUL: [after a slightly longer pause] Okay. So Peter meets this woman, and soon after he gets bitten by a werewolf's jawbone, and-- EDITOR: Wait a second. A werewolf's jawbone? PAUL: Yeah, it's part of the skull of a werewolf, and Peter gets sort of bitten by it and-- EDITOR: That's ridiculous. Why would people believe that? PAUL: I think they would find it fascinating. EDITOR: Why isn't it just a werewolf? PAUL: Because that's not the story I'm trying to tell. EDITOR: Okay, whatever. Go on. [The EDITOR is starting to get really fed up. PAUL doesn't notice.] PAUL: Fine. So Peter gets infected with the werewolf's...wolfiness, I guess, and during the next full moon he transforms-- EDITOR: Did you say wolfiness? PAUL: Er, yes. EDITOR: I don't believe it. You're just making this up as you go along. PAUL: I am not! Just hear me out. So Paul transforms into a wolf himself and-- EDITOR: I thought his name was Peter. PAUL: Who? EDITOR: The character in the novel. PAUL: Well, he's based on me, so-- EDITOR: Paul, stop. You know what? I don't care. You don't have a novel for me, so let's stop this pointless pretending. PAUL: Okay. [Long pause. The EDITOR sighs and then rises.] EDITOR: Paul, how long have I been your editor? PAUL: I don't know. A couple of years. EDITOR: Try three. Now, in all that time have you ever once produced something for me to edit, let alone publish? PAUL: Uhh, no. But this new novel-- EDITOR: Paul, how can you have a new novel if you've never written an old one? PAUL: Well, it's new to me. EDITOR: I swear, Paul. If your uncle wasn't the owner of this publishing company, I would have kicked you to the curb years ago. Well, I've had it. You can take your werewolf story and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. [The EDITOR has ended up sitting on the front of his desk. PAUL is fuming.] PAUL: I don't think it's wise of you to dismiss me so. EDITOR: Oh, no. Why not? PAUL: Umm...excuse me for a moment. [He quickly gets up and goes to the door. He turns off the light as he slips out.] EDITOR: Oh, come on, Paul. Turn that back on! [Suddenly a bright light is turned on outside and a fearsome figure is silhouetted in the window. It growls.] FIGURE: Rowrr!!! EDITOR: What the hell? [The EDITOR goes to the switch and turns the light back on, revealing the figure in the window to be, in fact, a sad-looking BAT PUPPET thing.] BAT PUPPET: Uh, rowr? [The EDITOR puts his hands on his hips.] EDITOR: Uh huh. And just what are you supposed to be? [PAUL re-enters, with some hair hastily spirit-gummed to his face.] PAUL: That's my girlfriend and she's a werewolf just like me. EDITOR: Just like you? PAUL: Yeah. [The EDITOR looks at both of them.] EDITOR: But you look nothing alike! She looks like some kind of bat thing, and you. You, my friend, are a sad excuse for a lycanthrope. PAUL: Oh. Er... [hissing to the BAT PUPPET] Honey, you keep him occupied while I transform further. EDITOR: Paul-- [But PAUL has already dashed out again. The EDITOR stares at the BAT PUPPET, which growls at him menacingly.] EDITOR: So...you're his girlfriend, huh? And let me guess. You're Mary, right? BAT PUPPET: [stops growling] What? No, I'm Natalie. EDITOR: Natalie? Funny, I was expecting your name to be Mary. You know, as in Peter, Paul and... [He trails off. There is a long pause while nothing happens.] EDITOR: Umm, are you supposed to be scaring me? Because you're not. BAT PUPPET: But I am warwulf! Grrr!!! EDITOR: Yes, I see. The thing is, you're just standing there, occasionally growling at me. BAT PUPPET: Yes. Well, diss is becuz I lack duh complete warwulf geddup. EDITOR: Uh huh. Well, any time you want to leave, feel free to do so, because you're serving no purpose here. PAUL: On the contrary! [The EDITOR spins around and confronts PAUL, who is dressed in full man-bear costume.] PAUL: She has given me time to completely tranform into my new, terrifying shape! [PAUL starts to advance.] EDITOR: So you're a werebear? PAUL: [stopping in his tracks] What? EDITOR: Well, you look nothing like a wolf, so I'm assuming you're some other kind of supernatural creature, like a werebear. PAUL: No, I am not a werebear! Roar! [He starts to advance again.] EDITOR: Paul, did you just say, "Roar"? [This stops PAUL in his tracks again.] PAUL: Uhh, yeah. EDITOR: You're pathetic. Get out. PAUL: But I could kill with one rake of my mighty claw! [The EDITOR goes back to his desk and sits down.] EDITOR: Yeah, right. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do. You know, like editing a _real_ writer's manuscript. [PAUL just stands there. The EDITOR looks up at him.] EDITOR: Go on. I said scoot! PAUL: Oh, all right. Come on, Natalie, let's go shoot some-- [PAUL looks at the window, but the BAT PUPPET has already gone. PAUL sighs and starts to leave.] EDITOR: And take that silly costume off, too. [Just as he gets to the door, PAUL turns around.] PAUL: You know, I really am a werewolf. EDITOR: Yeah, whatever. Tell it to somebody who cares. [He leaves. The EDITOR shakes his head and goes back to the manuscript he was looking over at the start. He muses to himself.] EDITOR: A werewolf. Feh. [As he starts reading, the lights black out again.] EDITOR: Oh, for the love of-- [Before he can do anything about it, there is a crash and something jumps through the window. The EDITOR, meanwhile, has gotten a flashlight out and shines it in the middle of the floor, where a real live wolf is sitting.] EDITOR: Oh, all right. I get it now. Now you're a wolf. Well, congratulations, Paul. You're a real werewolf. That still doesn't make you a competent writer. [The wolf starts to make whining noises.] EDITOR: No, don't even try it. Just go out the way you came in. [The wolf makes a hesitant move toward the window, but stops.] EDITOR: Oh, and please restore the power. Thank you. [The EDITOR turns the flashlight off. A second later, we hear his horrified screams. After a few seconds, the lights come up on the EDITOR lying across his desk. There is a great deal of stage blood indicating that he is, in fact, dead. Standing ustage of the desk is a very naked PAUL. He makes no move to cover himself.] PAUL: Dang it, there goes another editor. [Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE ONE-ACT PLAYS BASED ON NINTH SEASON MST3K EPISODES BEFORE JOE BLEVINS STARTED WRITING THEM ===================================================================== [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] The Deadly B-Sides [905] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan COMING SOON: [906] Jim Henson's Space Children Babies and possibly some season eight eps, too, including: [822] Jim Henson's Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Babies [821] Jim Henson's Time Chasers Babies [820] Jim Henson's Space Mutiny Babies and, of course, [819] Jim Henson's Invasion of the Neptune Men Babies other less facetious titles may include: [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [817] The Horror of MTV's Beach Party [816] The Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Space [815] Agent for Joe Besser [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [813] Yet Another Movie Called Jack Frost and [812] The Incredibly Strange Creatures Stop to Conquer