===================================================================== PHANTOM PLANET, SCHMANET (OR: THE NEXT-TO-THE-LAST OF THE DOGMEN) ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Phantom Planet" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the dull interior of a space ship. There are lots of lights and dials on the upstage wall and the stage right wall, which also has a control panel. There are two chairs facing the control panel and one more at upstage center. CAPT. BEECHER and LT. WHITE are in the two control chairs and FRANK CHAPMAN -- our beloved hero -- is strapped into the third one. The action picks up right at "THE BEGINNING" of "The Phantom Planet."] BEECHER: Well, we're on our way. We'll be at Moon Base in a matter of hours. WHITE: Boy, I'll bet you couldn't wait to see the inside of another one of these tin cans, right? [BEECHER and WHITE both laugh. CHAPMAN does not.] CHAPMAN: Uhh, yeah. Right. [There is a pause. BEECHER turns to him.] BEECHER: Say, Chapman, why don't you grab forty winks? We'll keep quiet. You must be exhausted. CHAPMAN: Actually-- WHITE: Actually, he was asleep when I found him, sir. BEECHER: Was he? Oh, never mind, then. [There is a pause. We hear CHAPMAN's VOICE over the speakers.] CHAPMAN: [V.O.] Please don't ask me what happened to Makonnen. Please don't ask me what happened to Makonnen. Please don't ask me what happened to Makonnen-- BEECHER: So what _did_ happen to Ray Makonnen? CHAPMAN: [V.O.] Shoot. BEECHER: We were expecting to find both of you together. Or at least we were hoping to. CHAPMAN: Er, I'd rather not talk about it. It wasn't pleasant. At least, I don't think it was. WHITE: I see. And you want to spare us the gory details, right? [BEECHER hits WHITE.] WHITE: What? BEECHER: [to CHAPMAN] Never mind Lenny. He likes to hear about grotesque stuff. You don't have to tell us if you don't want to. CHAPMAN: Thanks. [There is a long pause.] BEECHER: White, what course do you have? WHITE: 20 degrees azimuth, 86 degrees ecliptic. BEECHER: Okay, hold this course until we make visual contact with Moon Base. WHITE: Roger that. [During this exchange, CHAPMAN quickly unbuckles his strap and gets up. He paces, but doesn't have much room to do so as the cabin is quite small. He takes out the rock the girl gave him at the end of the movie and looks at it. BEECHER turns to him.] BEECHER: Hey, you nervous or something? CHAPMAN: [quickly stuffing rock in his pocket] Oh, no. I'm just antsy, that's all. BEECHER: Oh. You want to change suits or something? You've probably been in that one for a long time. I'll bet it's kinda rank by now. CHAPMAN: Uhh, yeah. I guess it is. [BEECHER reaches under the control panel and pulls out a new space suit, which he holds out to CHAPMAN.] BEECHER: Here, take this one. It's nice and clean. [CHAPMAN takes it and places it on his chair.] WHITE: We brought another one for Makonnen, but-- [BEECHER hits him again.] WHITE: What? [CHAPMAN glares at him and then prepares to take off his space suit. BEECHER and WHITE turn back to their controls. CHAPMAN starts by undoing the front zipper and suddenly remembers that he isn't wearing a shirt underneath. He looks up and relaxes when he realizes neither of the others have noticed. He then undoes the zipper all the way to the waist, pulls the suit away from his body and looks down. Satisfied that all is in order, he quickly zips back up. BEECHER turns to him.] BEECHER: Hey, what's wrong with the new suit? Is it the wrong size? CHAPMAN: Er, no. It's not that. It's just... I'll just wear this one for the journey home. It's no big deal. BEECHER: Okay, if you say so. [CHAPMAN is about to hand the suit back to BEECHER when a warning buzzer goes off.] WHITE: Captain, incoming ship. No, make that two of them. BEECHER: Can you identify them? WHITE: No, but they're coming in fast. And they appear to be on fire! BEECHER: Quick, take evasive manuevers. WHITE: Too late. [The three of them brace for an impact which does not come. Instead, there is the metallic sound of something latching onto the hull. This is followed by a second, similar sound.] CHAPMAN: What's going on? BEECHER: Quick, prepare to fend off the invaders. [BEECHER and WHITE race to unbuckle their straps. Just as they do so, they hear the sound of the outer door opening.] WHITE: Too late. BEECHER: All right. Let's make sure they don't get into the cabin, then. Chapman, you're closest. Seal the door. [CHAPMAN moves to the door just as it opens.] WHITE: Too late! [CHAPMAN backs up and they collectively wet themselves as two huge SOLARITES enter the cabin. Both of them are armed.] BEECHER: Quick, the guns! [One of the SOLARITES fires its weapon, shooting WHITE.] WHITE: Too... late... [He dies. BEECHER is enraged.] BEECHER: You killed Lenny! You-- [The SOLARITE shoots BEECHER.] BEECHER: Bas...tard... [He dies as well. CHAPMAN instinctly puts his hands up as the SOLARITES point their weapons at him.] CHAPMAN: Don't shoot! Don't shoot! [The SOLARITES exchange a glance and then lower their weapons.] SOLARITE #1: [quite conversational] All right. How would you like us to kill you, then? CHAPMAN: Well, actually I'd prefer it if you-- Wait, you can talk? SOLANITE #1: Yes, of course we can. What did you think? CHAPMAN: But the one that was captured on Rayton couldn't. SOLARITE #2: He was on Rayton! Kill the bastard! [SOLARITE #2 raises his weapon again, but SOLARITE #1 prevents him.] SOLARITE #1: No, not yet. First we must torture him in some amusing way to avenge all our Solarite brothers who have been killed in the line of duty bombarding Rayton. CHAPMAN: And how many is that? SOLARITE #1: Just about all of them. It has been a long campaign. Oh, where are my manners? Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Last of the Solarites. [CHAPMAN is momentarily thrown by this. He turns to SOLARITE #2.] CHAPMAN: And you? SOLARITE #2: Oh, I'm Next-to-the-Last of the Solarites. CHAPMAN: I see. Now, how come you're my size? I thought you were just as small as the Raytonites. SOLARITE #2: We are, normally. But your oxygen-rich atmosphere caused us to grow in size the moment we stepped into your ship. CHAPMAN: Okay, I can see that, but what about-- SOLARITE #1: Enough conversation! Choose your torture! SOLARITE #2: Wait, he gets to choose that, too? SOLARITE #1: Of course. We _are_ civilized, you know. SOLARITE #2: But he hasn't chosen how we're going to kill him yet! SOLARITE #1: First things first. CHAPMAN: Wait, wait, wait. Hold it. You still haven't told me why you want to kill me. SOLARITE #1: Isn't it enough that you're a stupid, lunkheaded Earthman? CHAPMAN: No. SOLARITE #1: Oh. CHAPMAN: Besides, if there's anybody who should be avenging a death here, it's me. After all, you guys killed my navigator. SOLARITE #2: Did not. CHAPMAN: Yes, you did. First you shot my oxygen line out, then you shot Makonnen just as he was pushing me into the spaceship and safety. [There is a pause while the SOLARITES confer.] SOLARITE #1: Did not. CHAPMAN: Did, too. SOLARITE #2: Did not. CHAPMAN: Did, too. [The cabin door opens and MAKONNEN enters. He is completely naked -- having gone through the same size-change the SOLARITES did -- but is otherwise safe and sound.] MAKONNEN: Did not. CHAPMAN: Did, t-- [his eyes bug out] Makonnen? You're alive! MAKONNEN: Yes, I am. No thanks to you. [notices folded space suit on floor] Say, would you hand me that space suit, please? CHAPMAN: Oh, sure. [He hands the suit to MAKONNEN, who puts it on during the following.] CHAPMAN: So, what happened to you? MAKONNEN: Luckily, these Solarites came upon me, drifting in the blackness of space. They felt sorry for having attacked us and, to make it up to me, they took me in and integrated me into their society. CHAPMAN: How did that work? MAKONNEN: Oh, it was rough at first. I was even put on trial when I accidentally barked up the wrong tree. But finally I earned the respect of their Alpha in an archaic contest of strength. I even met a girl. She had the most beautiful coat I had ever seen in my entire life. I could have spent hours and hours just brushing it. She even gave me this. [He holds out a miniature milkbone.] CHAPMAN: What happened? MAKONNEN: The Solarites' planet finally plunged into their sun. I managed to escape the destruction with these two, but she... [enraged] If those damned Raytonites hadn't been so stingy with their Universal Gravity Control, my beloved mate would still be alive today. And you helped them, so now you must die. [He motions to the SOLARITES, who point their weapons at CHAPMAN.] CHAPMAN: Makonnen, you can't do this! SOLARITE #2: Yeah, boss, first we have to torture him, then-- MAKONNEN: Oh, forget the torture. Just shoot him! SOLARITE #1: But he specifically asked us not to. MAKONNEN: Well, I'm telling you that you can. [The SOLARITES confer once again.] SOLARITE #1: All right. [They both prepare to shoot.] CHAPMAN: Wait, Makonnen! What about the good and the beautiful? MAKONNEN: [sneering] What about them? CHAPMAN: You said that the wisest and the best was the focus on the good and the beautiful, that you just had to take the time to look at it. Frankly, I thought it sounded a bit fruity at first, but I can see your point now. MAKONNEN: Chapman, as far as I'm concerned, the good and the beautiful ceased to exist when my sweet Lassie was burned to a cinder in the furnace of her own sun. KILL HIM!!! [The SOLARITES shrug their enormous shoulders and both shoot CHAPMAN, who falls to the floor, dead. SOLARITE #1 turns back to MAKONNEN.] SOLARITE #1: You know, Ray. You have lots of issues. MAKONNEN: Oh, do I now? [He takes out a weapon of his own and shoots SOLARITE #1, who dies. MAKONNEN turns to SOLARITE #2.] MAKONNEN: Congratulations, you're now the Last of the Dogmen. SOLARITE #2: That's Solarites. MAKONNEN: Whatever. [There is a pause. They both stand there, unsure of what to do next.] SOLARITE #2: Okay. We've killed your captain. Now, what? MAKONNEN: Well, I don't feel like doing the shrinky dink thing again, and you no longer have a planet to go back to anyway, so let's just take this ship and boogie. SOLARITE #2: Sounds good to me, boss. [They take the command chairs, stepping over the dead bodies of BEECHER and WHITE.] SOLARITE #2: So, where do you want to go first? MAKONNEN: Beats me. You know a place where we can trade in this lousy Earth ship for something that can really move? SOLARITE #2: Well, I know this guy who can give us a good deal on a used Winnebago. [Lights start to fade.] MAKONNEN: Really, who? SOLARITE #2: The name's Pizza the Hutt. MAKONNEN: Rock and roll. [An AC/DC song starts to play over the speakers. Quick bump to black.] T H E E N D COMING SOON (in the funky order they're being broadcast on SCI FI): [903] Strong Enough For A Puma Man... [905] The Deadly B-Sides [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [906] Jim Henson's Space Children Babies