===================================================================== THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECTED MAN ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Projected Man" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the booth of a recording studio. There is a console with two seats behind it downstage and a large tape machine on the upstage wall. There is also a door at upstage left. Seated at the console is GEORGE MARTIN -- or rather an actor who has been made up to look like him -- and next to him is PHIL MacDONALD, his engineer. And lurking in the background is none other than ALAN PARSONS, who is the tape operator for this session.] [It is August 8, 1969, and these gentlemen are working on a Beatles recording session for the "Abbey Road" album. As a matter of fact, the four lads had their photos taken for the cover of that very album that very morning. (I've done my research.) Anyway, as the lights come up, we hear the very end of "Oh! Darling." When the final note has faded away, GEORGE nods to ALAN, who turns off the tape machine. GEORGE then turns on a microphone and speaks to an offstage PAUL McCARTNEY, who is just a voice.] GEORGE: Okay, that sounded good to me. What do you think, Paul? McCARTNEY: Uhh, I dunno, George. I want this to have a really... You know, really gritty sound, y'know? GEORGE: [rolls his eyes] Yes, we know. McCARTNEY: You don't think the tambourine softens it at all, do you? GEORGE: Oh, no. No. I don't think that at all. Do you, Phil? PHIL: No, Mr. Martin. GEORGE: We think it sounds great, Paul. Really. [ALAN approaches GEORGE from behind.] ALAN: Uhh, you didn't ask me, sir. GEORGE: That's right, Parsons, and do you know why? ALAN: No, sir. GEORGE: Because you're just the tape op, that's why. ALAN: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. [He slinks back to his tape machines, tail between his legs.] McCARTNEY: George? GEORGE: [turning his attention back to McCARTNEY] Yes, Paul? McCARTNEY: Do you think I should have another go at it? [GEORGE and PHIL exchange a worried glance. Apparently, McCARTNEY has been at this particular track all day and they are growing weary of it.] GEORGE: Nnnnn-no. I have a better idea, Paul. Why don't we go over to Studio Three, play the tape for the other lads, and see what they think of it. How does that sound? McCARTNEY: Okay. [GEORGE nods to ALAN, who begins to wind the tape. There is a short pause, then:] McCARTNEY: Are you sure I shouldn't have another go at it? You know, 'cause I really want it to-- [GEORGE switches off the microphone and McCARTNEY is cut off.] GEORGE: My God, that one does jabber on, doesn't he? PHIL: Sir? GEORGE: Oh, nothing. That's enough, Parsons. [ALAN stops the tape.] GEORGE: [to PHIL] Now you take that over to Studio Three and I'll join you in a moment. [PHIL takes the tape and leaves. ALAN starts to follow him.] GEORGE: Not you. You stay here and make sure those recording heads are spotless. I do not intend to listen to Mr. Paul McCartney, O.B.E., bang a tambourine for the rest of the night just because he doesn't think it sounds "gritty" enough. Got it? ALAN: Yes, sir. GEORGE: Right. [He switches the microphone back on, catching McCARTNEY is mid- sentence.] McCARTNEY: --know you think I'm obsessive about these things, but I just want to make sure-- GEORGE: Paul, we're ready to go over to Studio Three now. McCARTNEY: Oh, all right. [GEORGE switches off the microphone again and gives ALAN one final glance as he leaves.] GEORGE: Spotless. [And he is gone. ALAN takes out some cleaning materials and begins to go to work on the tape machine. While he works he mutters to himself.] ALAN: Man, I thought working at Abbey Road Studios was going to be a blast. Working with the Beatles, watching them make their magic. But no, it's standing around at everyone else's beck and call and watching John and Paul get into arguments about who should play rhythm guitar on what track. Sometimes I feel like I should do something else. Have my own...I don't know. [He sighs and goes back to work. Suddenly, PROFESSOR PAUL STEINER -- the, for lack of a better term, hero of the movie "The Projected Man" -- appears in a puff of smoke, having just been projected there.] PAUL: Shagadelic! Yeah, baby, yeah! ALAN: [understandably shocked] What??? PAUL: Oh, sorry. Wrong movie. ALAN: Excuse me, but who are you? PAUL: Me? Well, I used to be a respected scientist who had trouble getting grants, but now... [removes face diaper] I AM A FREAK! [Pause while ALAN looks him up and down.] ALAN: Yes, I can see that. Where did you get those clothes? They are so 1967. PAUL: But of course. This _is_ 1967. ALAN: No, it's 1969. PAUL: 1969? But how? Could it be... ALAN: Wait a second, how did you get here? PAUL: Why, I projected myself here. ALAN: Projected? PAUL: Yes, I have created a machine that can transform any object into pure energy and then "project" it anywhere in the world. On a side note, I also appear to have also discovered a way to travel through time. Strange. The machine didn't do this last time. No, it just melted half my face off and gave me the touch of death. ALAN: Touch of death? That sounds painful. PAUL: It is. It certainly plays hell with your social life. ALAN: I'll bet. PAUL: Just as a matter of scientific interest, where exactly am I? ALAN: Oh, you're at Abbey Road Studios. Studio Two, specifically. PAUL: This is where the Beatles make all their records, right? ALAN: Yes. PAUL: Damn, I was shooting for arriving in Lembach's bathroom while he was taking a shower. Wanted to scare that old grant- withholding fool half to death. Or even all the way to death. ALAN: Oh. PAUL: Say, what is that you're cleaning there? ALAN: Oh, this the recording head on our main tape machine. PAUL: Ooh, may I see? [Just as PAUL reaches the tape machine, however, in burst PAT and CHRIS, the happy couple from the movie. They have not time-traveled, so it is actually two years later for them. CHRIS is carrying some sort of device that they used to find PAUL.] PAT: Paul, stop! What are you doing? PAUL: What do you care? I just want to see this. CHRIS: Don't do it, Paul. Sure, I may have stolen your girlfriend and married her even, but that's no reason to end it all. PAUL: End it all? What are you talking about? [He touches the record head and immediately tenses up, an electrical charge going through him. His "touch of death" is backfiring on him.] PAT: Oh, I can't watch! [She buries her face in CHRIS's chest. CHRIS does not mind this one bit. Meanwhile, ALAN looks on, horrified.] ALAN: No, Mr. Martin will fire me if the tape machine gets damaged! [He goes to the wall and pulls the plug. PAUL immediately releases the record head and slowly slumps to the ground. ALAN approaches him warily and pokes at him. Nothing happens.] ALAN: He's gone. PAT: [hysterical] No, no. I don't believe it! Not Paul! Not again! CHRIS: Yes, Patricia. Again. ALAN: Hi, I hate to bother you at a time like this, but who are you and why is she so upset? CHRIS: We are friends of the deceased. We've spent the past two years tracking him down with this. [holds up device] Ever since he showed up at our wedding unexectedly-- ALAN: Why unexpectedly? CHRIS: Well, we thought he had projected himself into oblivion. ALAN: Oh, I see. Go on. CHRIS: Well, there's been no sign of him for years, and then suddenly today the machine went crazy. So we tracked him down to this studio and when we finally confront him, he commits suicide. ALAN: Yes, that does seem drastic. PAT: Oh, Paul! CHRIS: Dear, you have to face facts. Paul is dead. PAT: No! I refuse to believe it! CHRIS: You must. [PAT breaks free from him and runs out of the room.] PAT: Oh, my God! Paul is dead! Paul is dead! Paul is dead! [She is out the door and down the hallway. ALAN and CHRIS exchange a glance.] ALAN: Lovely wife you've got there. CHRIS: Yes, I suppose so. If you like British women. Will you excuse me? ALAN: Certainly. [CHRIS exits. ALAN thinks for a moment about what to do with PAUL's body and finally settles on stuffing him in the closet. While he's dragging him over to the closet, he muses to myself.] ALAN: Hmm, projected... Projected... Projecting? How about just plain project-- [He just finishes stuffing PAUL in the closet when GEORGE MARTIN arrives back in the booth.] GEORGE: Goddamnit, he wants to do the tamboruine track again. Parsons, you did clean the heads, didn't you? ALAN: Er... [GEORGE goes to the machine and investigates. While he is doing so, ALAN surreptitiously plugs it back in. Whatever happened when PAUL touched it, GEORGE seems to be pleased with the results.] GEORGE: Yes, good job. Absolutely spotless. Now if only Phil would get here with the tape we can get back to work on this. PHIL--! [He takes his seat at the console and ALAN is visibly relieved. PHIL enters, carrying the tape as before. He hands it to ALAN, who sets it back up.] PHIL: Here I am, sir. GEORGE: Where were you? PHIL: Well, it was strangest thing. There was this hysterical woman running through the corridors shouting "Paul is dead" at the top of her lungs. Naturally I escorted her to security, who turned her out of the building. GEORGE: Oh. [PHIL takes his seat. GEORGE turns on the microphone. ALAN notices that PAUL is starting to fall out of the closet.] GEORGE: Okay, Paul. We're ready when you are. [He switches off the microphone and then suddenly looks up, startled.] GEORGE: Wait a minute. [turns on microphone -- we can hear a little tambourine] Wait a minute, Paul. McCARTNEY (V.O.): Oka-- [GEORGE switches off the microphone again and turns to PHIL. ALAN has to hold the closet door closed with his foot.] GEORGE: You say a woman was ejected from the building, all the while screaming "Paul is dead" at the top of her lungs? You don't think that will come back to haunt us, do you? PHIL: No, I shouldn't think so. Just another hysterical fan for all anyone knows. GEORGE: Parsons? ALAN: Huh? GEORGE: What do you think? ALAN: Oh, sorry. I was miles away. GEORGE: Really? Where were you? ALAN: [looking anxious at closet] Oh, I was thinking about a project of mine. GEORGE: Well, I just asked your opinion, you know that? ALAN: You did? What was it about-- GEORGE: Never mind now. [switches on microphone] Okay, Paul. Let's roll. [There is a short pause as ALAN gets the tape cued up.] McCARTNEY: Wait, don't you mean shake or rattle? I don't know how to roll a tambourine. GEORGE: Whatever, Paul. Whatever. Just play the damn thing. [He switches off the microphone and nods to ALAN, who starts the tape. The opening of "Oh! Darling" plays. When the vocals start, GEORGE talks over them. Meanwhile, ALAN watches, alarmed, as PAUL's body starts to fall out of the closet again.] GEORGE: Heh, wouldn't it be great if Paul really was dead? No more "Oh! Darling." No more "Maxwell's Silver Hammer." [sighs] Ah, well. A man can dream... [PAUL's body slumps to the floor, unnoticed by anyone but ALAN, and the lights slowly fade to black as the song continues.] T H E E N D COMING SOON: [906] Jim Henson's Space Children Babies [905] The Deadly B-Sides [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [903] Strong Enough For A Puma Man, But Made For A Puma Woman [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet (These titles subject to change at any moment, although they've been sticking pretty well so far. Squirrels die, don't they?)