===================================================================== EATING RAUL OR: OVERFED AT THE MEMORY BANQUET ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank" ===================================================================== [At the start of the play, a single spotlight picks out ARAM FINGAL -- our bizarrely-named hero -- sitting at his gleaming white computer desk, watching a cinema. After it comes to an end and his monitor goes out, so does the spotlight. As the light fades out, FINGAL closes his eyes and we see the contented smile on his face. In the darkness, we hear the shrill voice of his SUPERVISOR.] SUPER: Fingal! [Suddenly the entire stage is illuminated, snapping FINGAL out of his reverie. He looks up and sees his harridan of a SUPERVISOR standing over him.] SUPER: If you're finished scrolling up cinemas for the day, there _is_ some work that needs to get done. FINGAL: But I have permission to scroll up all the cinemas I want. You know that. SUPER: Yes, I know. But only as long as you do your work. FINGAL: Oh, all right. [He starts sulkily typing away at his keyboard. The SUPERVISOR hovers.] SUPER: So how goes your quest to see every cinema ever made? FINGAL: In alphabetical order! Hey, I thought you wanted me to get to work. SUPER: I'm just curious. FINGAL: Well, I'm just starting on the E's. This afternoon's cinema was "Eating," Henry Jaglom's idiosyncratic 1990 low-budget outing. You wouldn't think that a cinema about a group of women talking about food and life would be so engrossing, but it was. SUPER: Really? [Suddenly the CHAIRMAN appears. The SUPERVISOR sees him and immediately gets all flustered.] SUPER: Really, Fingal. You should scroll up those cinemas on your own time, not Novicorp's. [She quickly exits. FINGAL turns and his eyes meet the CHAIRMAN's. There is a blackout. A spotlight picks out APOLLONIA in limbo.] APOLLONIA: After his experience in Novicorp's computer, Aram Fingal decided to go back to being a third class processor in the Dataflow Center, but with certain privileges. He gained complete access to every cinema ever made. He also gained complete access to me and I became his mate, but he's been growing more and more distant over the last few months. It's as if his quest to watch every single cinema ever made-- [FINGAL steps into the spotlight momentarily.] FINGAL: In alphabetical order! [FINGAL steps out of the light again. APOLLONIA looks annoyed for a second, but then continues.] APOLLONIA: It's as if he were somehow using it to escape from reality. And that includes me. [Lights come up on stage, showing the interior of FINGAL's living quarters, which he shares with APOLLONIA. FINGAL is engrossed by what's playing on the large screen on the fourth wall. APOLLONIA turns and addresses him.] APOLLONIA: Did you hear that? [She gets no response.] APOLLONIA: I said, did you hear that? FINGAL: [not taking his eyes off the screen] Hear what? APOLLONIA: I said you're using cinemas to avoid having to talk to me. FINGAL: Uh huh. APOLLONIA: Aram, we really need to talk. FINGAL: Can it wait? I'm in the middle of "Eating Raoul" here. APOLLONIA: No, it can't. We need to talk now. [The door opens and the CHAIRMAN enters.] CHAIRMAN: I couldn't agree more. Aram Fingal, you need to stop scrolling up and storing so many cinemas. You're using too much computer memory. FINGAL: But I'm only keeping them in my personal databanks. CHAIRMAN: Yes, your own personal databanks, which were provided by Novicorp and which are constantly being expanded owing to your insatiable appetite for memory to store your cinemas. FINGAL: Is there a problem? CHAIRMAN: Yes, this quest of yours to see every cinema ever made-- FINGAL: In alphabetical order! CHAIRMAN: Er, yes. FINGAL: Everyone always seems to forget that. CHAIRMAN: This quest of yours has to stop, no matter who or what you have permission from. FINGAL: Is that an order? CHAIRMAN: Yes. FINGAL: Well, if that's the way you feel about it, I'll never watch another cinema again. APOLLONIA & CHAIRMAN: Good! FINGAL: From now on, I will live them! [He exits. APOLLONIA and the CHAIRMAN exchange a glance.] CHAIRMAN: Live them? [Blackout. Lights up on the Doppling Room at Nirvana Village. TOOBY is just closing up shop for the day when FINGAL bursts in.] FINGAL: There's no time to argue. I want you to dopple me into a cinema. TOOBY: What into a what? FINGAL: Oh, you know. Like the nature documentaries you normally stick people in. Only I want you to dopple me into a cinema. [handing over a piece of paper] Here's the code. [TOOBY studies the code and looks up at FINGAL.] TOOBY: Well, I guess I could do that. Which one do you want? FINGAL: I was in the middle of watching "Eating Raoul." That'll do. TOOBY: Uhh, okay. Where do you want to start? FINGAL: I was about two thirds of the way through. TOOBY: I thought you said you were in the middle FINGAL: That was just an expression. TOOBY: All righty, then. [FINGAL lies down on the table and TOOBY plugs him into an identicube. TOOBY then takes the cube over to a computer interface. As he plugs it in, APOLLONIA and the CHAIRMAN rush in.] APOLLONIA: Wait, Tooby! CHAIRMAN: Don't do it! TOOBY: Too late. I already have. CHAIRMAN: But you're not a Computech! APOLLONIA: What's going to happen to him in there? [Blackout except for a spotlight on FINGAL, who sits up. He adopts the speech and mannerisms of a southern California chicano and changes into a jumpsuit with the name RAOUL stitched onto the pocket. He has become, in effect, the title character from "Eating Raoul."] FINGAL/RAOUL: Hey, Mary. What do you put up with that fat pig Paul for, huh? He's small time. You stick with me and we'll have more memory than you ever dreamed of, and we'll only have to split it two ways. [He turns as the light rise to reveal a hospital room. APOLLONIA -- who is playing the part of MARY BLAND -- is sitting on the bed, just finishing getting into her nurse's uniform.] APOLLONIA/MARY: Raoul, we have simply got to stop meeting like this. What would my husband say if he found out? FINGAL/RAOUL: Don't worry. I can handle him. [FINGAL/RAOUL exits.] APOLLONIA/MARY: Paul! [Lights change to the Blands' apartment, which is tastelessly decorated in S & M regalia. The CHAIRMAN -- who is playing the part of PAUL BLAND -- enters, dressed all in black with a mask on and carrying a frying pan.] CHAIRMAN/PAUL: What is it, Apollonia? You know, I feel really silly in this outfit. APOLLONIA/MARY: Well, you need to wear it in order for this to work. And call me Mary. Remember, I'm your wife and we kill swingers in order to steal their money so we can finance our dream restaurant, Paul & Mary's Country Kitchen. CHAIRMAN/PAUL: Oh, very well, Mary. [goes to hide behind couch] Incidentally, what is a swinger? APOLLONIA/MARY: I don't know. All I know is we kill them. CHAIRMAN/PAUL: And what does Fingal--I mean, Raoul have to do with all this? APOLLONIA/MARY: Well, umm, he's my lover and he helps us dispose of the bodies after we're finished with them. CHAIRMAN/PAUL: Oh, okay. [He ducks down behind the couch and, after a second, sticks his head up again.] CHAIRMAN/PAUL: Your lover? [Doorbell rings. APOLLONIA/MARY goes to answer it.] APOLLONIA/MARY: Get down! [The CHAIRMAN/PAUL complies as APOLLONIA/MARY answers the door. It is FINGAL/RAOUL. He swaggers in.] FINGAL/RAOUL: I'm here for tonight's pick-up. APOLLONIA/MARY: There's nothing for you to pick up because we haven't had any clients yet. FINGAL/RAOUL: And your husband's not around? APOLLONIA/MARY: No, he went out to buy us a new...frying pan. FINGAL/RAOUL: Well, I know a way we can kill time until he gets back. [He leads APOLLONIA/MARY over to the couch. They lie down on it -- FINGAL/RAOUL on top -- and start kissin' an' gropin' an' stuff. The CHAIRMAN/PAUL rises from behind the couch, frying pan at the ready, and watches them in disgust.] APOLLONIA/MARY: Oh, Raoul. Oh, Raoul. [She catches the CHAIRMAN/PAUL's eye.] APOLLONIA/MARY: Do it. Do it now. [The CHAIRMAN/PAUL hesitates.] APOLLONIA/MARY: Do it now! [The CHAIRMAN/PAUL starts to swing the frying pan, but FINGAL/RAOUL immediately sits up and stops him. He wrestles the frying pan away from the CHAIRMAN/PAUL and backs up off the couch.] FINGAL/RAOUL: Hey, you think I'm nuts? You think I've never seen this cinema before? You think I don't know how it ends? Well, I'll have you know, I don't intend to be nobody's tender morsel. Now, come here. [He gestures at the CHAIRMAN/PAUL with the frying pan. The CHAIRMAN/ PAUL comes forward until he is within striking range, when FINGAL/ RAOUL strikes him. APOLLONIA/MARY rushes forward to check his pulse.] APOLLONIA/MARY: He's dead! FINGAL/RAOUL: And you can join him! [He bops her on the head as well. She slumps on top of her erstwhile husband. FINGAL/RAOUL steps back and admires his handiwork.] FINGAL/RAOUL: You know, I'd retitle this "Eating Paul and Mary," but I don't like Bland food. And now there is no one to stop me. I can appropriate all the memory I want! [He holds out his arms as energy runs through his body in the form of memory. This is accompanied by an appropriate -- but still kinda cheesy -- sound effect.] FINGAL/RAOUL: Now I'll be able to watch my cinemas whenever and wherever I want! [He lets out an evil laugh, but it is quickly drowned out by the sound, which is starting to become too much.] FINGAL/RAOUL: Oh, no! Too much memory! I'm overloading the system! [Sound reaches an eardrum-splitting crescendo as FINGAL/RAOUL loses control and whaps himself in the head with the frying pan. Blackout. Lights up on the Doppling Room. TOOBY brings APOLLONIA around. FINGAL is still lying on the table, but the CHAIRMAN has slumped to the ground. APOLLONIA rushes to FINGAL.] APOLLONIA: Oh, no! Aram's dead! His brain is fried! What are we going to do with him? TOOBY: Fingal's not the one I'm worried about. [He points at the prone figure of the CHAIRMAN.] APOLLONIA: Oh, no! When he was killed in the cinema, he must have died in real life. Then why didn't I die, too? TOOBY: I guess Fingal still had a soft spot for you and just knocked you out. APOLLONIA: Yeah, I guess. But now we have two bodies that we have to get rid of. How are we going to manage that? [TOOBY looks at them both in turn.] TOOBY: Well, I hear that Soylent Green is delicious this time of year. [Blackout.] T H E E N D This play is dedicated to the memories of Paul Bartel (1938-2000) and Raul Julia (1940-1994). And no, I am not being sarcastic about this. ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [803] How to Irritate Mole People [804] Kiss Me Deadly Mantis [805] The Trouble With Things That Can't Die [806] The Grateful Undead Talk Back [811] clonus: the lowercase horror [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [819] Evasion of the Neptune Men [820] Pigs in Space Mutiny [821] Vodka with a Time Chaser [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan COMING EVEN SOONER THAN IT WAS LAST TIME: [810] They Might Be Giant Spiders COMING WHEN I FEEL LIKE GETTING AROUND TO THEM: [807] Mystery from the Year 3000 [808] She Features She Creatures Down by the Seashore [809] I Was a Teenage Marketing Ploy [812] The Incredibly Strange Creatures Stop to Conquer [813] Yet Another Movie Called Jack Frost You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm