===================================================================== VODKA WITH A TIME CHASER ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Time Chasers" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the interior of a bar. A sad-looking individual sits at the bar, nursing a drink. He is a MAN in his late 20s, tall, with a goatee and rounded glasses. As he nears the end of his glass, the wise BARTENDER -- for all bartenders are wise, are they not? -- comes over to him, cleaning an empty glass because that's what bartenders do in situations like these.] BARTENDER: What's the trouble, mister? MAN: Trouble? There's no trouble. What makes you think I'm troubled? BARTENDER: Oh, I don't know. The look on your face, the quality of your posture, how long you've been nursing that drink of yours... [Thus provoked, the MAN sits up straight, downs the rest of his drink, and slams the glass down on the bar.] BARTENDER: Can I get you another one of those? MAN: Yeah, sure. [He returns to sitting slumped over as the BARTENDER takes the glass and starts to pour him another drink.] BARTENDER: You know, this would probably work better if it had some alcohol in it. MAN: Nope, I don't drink alcohol. Cola will be fine. BARTENDER: Suit yourself. [He sets the drink in front of the MAN.] BARTENDER: Straw? [The MAN just glares at him.] BARTENDER: So, what's eating at you? Cause I can tell something is. MAN: Well, if you must know, it's this script I'm working on. BARTENDER: A script? I was expecting this to be about a girl or something. MAN: Hah! I wish. BARTENDER: So what's your script about? MAN: Time travel. Now, you'd think with a subject like that the sky would be the limit, right? You can do damn near anything if your characters can time travel, right? BARTENDER: I honestly wouldn't know. MAN: Well, that's what I thought when I first sat down to work. I took the characters I was given -- a nerdy community college professor with a time traveling airplane, a woman reporter, the CEO of an evil corporation, and his main lackey who looks like a chunky Tom Savini -- and they just sat there on the screen, lifeless. I tried parodying the story they originally appeared in -- nothing. I even thought of having their real-life counterparts travel back in time and try to convince themselves not to appear in the story, but that just got convoluted and -- more to the point -- not funny. Now I don't know what I'm going to do and my deadline is looming. [There is a long pause while the BARTENDER considers his response.] BARTENDER: Well, I don't know what to tell you. Sorry. [He wanders off to another part of the bar. The MAN sighs and goes back to his drink. There is the sound of a small plane landing outside. After a second, someone who looks like he could be the MAN'S DOUBLE -- except for the fact that he wears round, mirrored sunglasses -- enters the bar. He scans the crowd purposefully and sees the MAN sitting at the bar looking more dejected than before. The DOUBLE walks over and takes the seat right next to him.] DOUBLE: Bartender! Something strong, if you please. [The BARTENDER walks over and does a double take when he sees the two of them sitting side by side.] BARTENDER: Uhh, what would you like? DOUBLE: A shot of vodka, straight up. [The BARTENDER pulls out a shot glass.] DOUBLE: Better make it two. [to MAN] Care to join me? MAN: [not looking up, in fact he never looks directly at his DOUBLE] No thanks. I don't drink alcohol. DOUBLE: Ahh, I remember when I used to feel the same way. [The BARTENDER puts two full shot glasses in front of the DOUBLE, who pulls out a large bill and places it on the bar.] DOUBLE: Don't go far. [The BARTENDER picks up the bill, holds it up to the light to make sure it's legitimate, and happily goes away, but not too far away. The DOUBLE turns his attention to the MAN.] DOUBLE: Don't tell me. I've been there before. Writer's block, right? MAN: Yes. DOUBLE: Having trouble getting started or-- MAN: Yes. DOUBLE: That's what I thought. You need an idea. MAN: I need more than an idea. DOUBLE: Right. That's why I got a shot of vodka for you. [pushes shot glass toward the MAN] To go with your cola. [Without looking, the MAN pushes the shot glass back.] MAN: Thanks, but no thanks. DOUBLE: Suit yourself. [He downs his shot and signals to the BARTENDER to pour him another.] DOUBLE: [to MAN] You even seen "The Player"? MAN: [perking up slightly] Seen it? It's one of my favorite films of all time! DOUBLE: No kidding? Mine, too. Anyway, one of my favorite things about the film is the ending, where this writer pitches a story idea to a producer -- and it's the same exact story we've just finished watching. It makes the film work on so many levels. MAN: Yeah, that's great. [He's about to take another drink from his glass when he suddenly looks up, a proverbial light bulb appearing over his head.] MAN: Oh, my God. I could do that. DOUBLE: Do what? MAN: Instead of writing a regular play, I could write a play about how I couldn't come up with an idea for this week's movie and ended up drowning my sorrows at the local bar. Then you come along and give me the idea to write about just that. It's brilliant! But wait. DOUBLE: What? MAN: It should still have something to do with time travel... I got it! You could be a future version of me who comes back to this time to help me out of this jam! Yeah, that's great! Or is it too far-fetched? DOUBLE: Sounds all right to me. MAN: Oh, man. I gotta get home while the inspiration is still hot. Thanks, man. [He hastily shakes his DOUBLE's hand and runs out, having never taken a look at him. The BARTENDER sees the MAN go and reacts.] BARTENDER: Hey, stop! You didn't-- DOUBLE: Don't worry about it. I'll pick up his tab. [The DOUBLE takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes.] BARTENDER: What are you? His brother? DOUBLE: Not hardly. [puts glasses back on] Oh, he forgot his vodka. Well, it's all going the same place anyway. [He downs the shot and drinks some of the MAN's cola to take the edge off it.] DOUBLE: Oh, man. The things I do for title puns. [He gets up to walk out.] DOUBLE: And now, to travel one week into the future to help me get through my "parts: the clonus horror" play. Oh, the pain. [And he stumbles out the door. As we hear the sound of a small plane starting up, the BARTENDER shakes his head and clears away the glasses. Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [803] How to Irritate Mole People [804] Kiss Me Deadly Mantis [805] The Trouble With Things That Can't Die [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [819] Evasion of the Neptune Men [820] Pigs in Space Mutiny [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan COMING SOON: [811] parts: the lowercase horror You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm