===================================================================== PIGS IN SPACE MUTINY ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Space Mutiny" ===================================================================== [With the stage still dark, a large, elliptical screen above center stage comes to life. On it, a moving starscape is shown and a pig-shaped silver spaceship crosses from left to right. This can be only mean one thing...] ANNOUNCER: It's time once again for... [echo on] "Pigs in Space"! [Music comes in, followed by the shots of the cast members. The ANNOUNCER introduces them in turn.] ANNOUNCER: With the unintentional Captain Link Hogthrob... The unimpregnable First Mate Piggy... And the unintelligible Doctor Julius Strangepork... [The lights come up on the set of the Swinetrek as the elliptical screen is closed. The main control panel is below it at center stage, with lots of flashing thingies all over the walls and exits on either side of the stage. LINK, PIGGY and STRANGEPORK are all at their stations. The music continues under.] ANNOUNCER: When we last left the Swinetrek, it had crashed into a ship that bore a striking resemblance to one seen on "Battlestar Galactica," but now both crafts have been repaired and the crew is ready to take off once again. [The music ends.] LINK: Dr. Strangepork, open channels with the Southern Sun. I wish to confirm that all repairs have been completed. STRANGEPORK: Yes, Link. PIGGY: Why do you need to do that? The announcer just said we were ready to take off. LINK: I know that. I just want to pad my part out a little bit. PIGGY: Oh, brother. STRANGEPORK: The channel is open now, Link. [The elliptical screen opens again, revealing a surprised COMMANDER SANTA CLAUS. (Think of it as the Muppet version of the hexfield.)] COMMANDER: Greetings, Captain Hogthrob. To what do I owe this... pleasure? LINK: I'm just calling to make sure that everything is ready for our departure. COMMANDER: Why, of course it is. Didn't you hear your announcer? You can leave! [There is a hint of aggravation in his voice. LINK somehow detects it.] LINK: You're not still mad that I rammed the Swinetrek into your ship, are you? COMMANDER: No, of course not. LINK: And I did apologize for causing the hull breach in the compartment housing the Bellarians, causing them all to die horribly, asphyxiating in the vacuum of space. COMMANDER: Yes, you did. LINK: Oh, good. I just wanted to make sure that-- COMMANDER: [losing his temper] OH, WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE ALREADY? LINK: Ahh!!! [LINK runs off screaming, exiting stage left.] STRANGEPORK: Oh, no. You've frightened the captain off! I'd better go and check on him. [STRANGEPORK exits, following LINK.] COMMANDER: Sorry about that. PIGGY: Don't bother, Captain. With those morons off the bridge now I can take control. We'll be out of your sight in moments. [As she settles into LINK's chair, an anonymous crewman appears on the screen and consults with COMMANDER SANTA CLAUS, who suddenly looks concerned.] COMMANDER: Wait, First Mate Piggy. I've just been informed that we appear to have misplaced our ship's villain, so you might want to watch out for him. His name is-- [PIGGY presses a button which unceremoniously cuts off communication, closing the elliptical screen.] PIGGY: That's enough of that blowhard. Now, where are the controls for takeoff? Oh, don't tell me I need to read the manual. [PIGGY makes a noise of frustration and hunkers down, looking for the manual behind the control panel. As she does, the stage right door opens and KALGAN enters, looking just as bad as he did at the end of the movie. He strides toward center.] KALGAN: Ah ha! Freedom! And a new ship to conquer! PIGGY: What? [KALGAN quickly hides in front of the control panel as PIGGY pops up from behind it.] PIGGY: Who said that? Come on, who's there? [KALGAN cowers in fear, but tries to not make a sound. Meanwhile, STRANGEPORK re-enters from stage left, carrying a spare uniform.] STRANGEPORK: First Mate Piggy, I can't seem to find Link anywhere. PIGGY: Have you tried the mess hall? STRANGEPORK: No, why? PIGGY: Because he'd be right at home with all the other chickens. STRANGEPORK: Ha, that's a good one! Oh, speaking of a mess, I spilled something on my spare uniform, could you wash it for me, please? [hands uniform to PIGGY] Thanks. PIGGY: Why, you-- [STRANGEPORK exits before he can get clobbered. PIGGY pursues him to the door but stops when the it closes in front of her. She throws the uniform down and sees something there on the floor.] PIGGY: Oh, there it is. Silly place for a control manual. [She brings the manual over to the control panel.] PIGGY: Now I'll be able to take us out of here. Of course, if moi were captain, this sort of thing would never have happened in the first place. Now, let's see. Chapter One: Taking Off. [As she reads the instructions to herself -- possibly moving her lips, we hear KALGAN's thoughts.] KALGAN: [V.O.] Hmm, the captain in hiding. The first mate itching to take control. Why, I could foment mutiny on this ship as easy as-- PIGGY: [pulling levers in turn] One, two, three! [As she pulls the third lever, nothing happens. PIGGY looks at her instructions again.] PIGGY: Huh, I thought I did that right. [She presses another button. Suddenly a VOICE -- which sounds very much like HAL -- issues forth from the COMPUTER.] COMPUTER VOICE: I'm sorry, First Mate Piggy, but only the captain of the ship can initiate take-off procedures. [PIGGY fumes. Seeing his opportunity, KALGAN crawls over to the stage right door and rises, as if he just entered through it.] KALGAN: May I be of any assistance? PIGGY: Who are you and why do you look like you've just been slow- roasted? KALGAN: My name is Kalgan and I was. PIGGY: I see. KALGAN: Trying to take off? PIGGY: [testily] Yes. KALGAN: And you can't get the ship to go because you're just the lowly first mate. PIGGY: Hey, watch it, buster. KALGAN: Would it help if you were captain of the ship? PIGGY: As a matter of fact, it would. KALGAN: Then I have the answer to your problem. PIGGY: You do? KALGAN: It's simple. All you have to due is mutiny. PIGGY: Mutiny? KALGAN: Yes, take over the ship. Once you're in control, the computer will have to respond to your commands. [V.O.] And once we're in deep space, then I'll take over, and I'll finally have a ship all to myself! [KALGAN starts to laugh out loud, but stops once he notices that PIGGY is staring at him.] KALGAN: I'm sorry. PIGGY: Whatever. KALGAN: So will you mutiny? PIGGY: I'll have to think about it. [The stage left door opens.] PIGGY: Quick, hide! They're coming back. [KALGAN hides in front of the control panel again as STRANGEPORK and LINK re-enter.] LINK: That was amazing. How did you know to look for me in the poultry freezer? STRANGEPORK: Oh, it was a lucky guess. Hey, Piggy. Look what I found. PIGGY: What is right. [LINK sees PIGGY sitting in his chair and makes a none-too-subtle display of clearing his throat.] PIGGY: What? LINK: Excuse me, First Mate Piggy. PIGGY: What is it? LINK: I'm very sorry to bother you, but you appear to be in my seat. PIGGY: So? LINK: Well, as captain of this ship I should be the one who sits in the captain's chair. PIGGY: Yeah, and? STRANGEPORK: Oh, quit stalling and move, you fat porker! PIGGY: That's it. I've had enough out of you two! I am mutinying! [LINK and STRANGEPORK take a step back, horrified. LINK puts his hand in his mouth.] LINK: Mutiny? STRANGEPORK: You wouldn't dare! PIGGY: Oh, yes I would! Watch me! Computer! [The COMPUTER comes to life again.] COMPUTER VOICE: Yes? PIGGY: Listen up. I've just mutinied and I'm in control of this ship now, so let's go. One, two, three! [She pulls the same three levers again. Again, nothing happens.] PIGGY: I said, let's go! Kalgan, why isn't this taking me away? [LINK and STRANGEPORK start falling over each other, laughing. Enraged, PIGGY turns her attention their way.] PIGGY: What's so funny? LINK: Oh, Piggy. Just because you mutiny, that doesn't mean the ship will respond to your commands. STRANGEPORK: Quite the opposite, in fact. Now it won't even open the automatic doors for you. PIGGY: Is that so? Well, watch this! [She walks over to the stage right door. It opens for her.] PIGGY: Ha! I knew you were just making that up. Now-- [Triumphant, she turns back to see that LINK and STRANGEPORK have taken their places at the controls.] LINK: Good one, Strangepork. Now we can get ready for take off. [PIGGY starts to do a slow burn, but then notices KALGAN surreptitiously trying to crawl over to the stage left door.] PIGGY: Hey, fry boy, where do you think you're going? Hiiii-ya! [KALGAN gets up to run, but PIGGY launches herself at him and karate kicks him to the ground. Then, while he's down, she karate chops him repeatedly. LINK and STRANGEPORK look over at them.] STRANGEPORK: Say, Link, who is First Mate Piggy beating up? LINK: I don't know, but I'm sure glad it isn't me. [As the beating continues, the lights fade to black. As they do, the elliptical screen opens again, showing the starscape from the beginning. Music plays.] ANNOUNCER: If you're unlucky, you may tune in next week and see another installment of... [echo on] "Pigs in Space"! [As the music reaches a climax, the picture fades to black.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [803] How to Irritate Mole People [804] Kiss Me Deadly Mantis [805] The Trouble With Things That Can't Die [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [819] Evasion of the Neptune Men [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan COMING SOON: [821] Vodka with a Time Chaser [811] parts: the lowercase horror You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm