===================================================================== EVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Invasion of the Neptune Men" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the stage, which is empty save for a step ladder which is placed as far downstage as possible. A middle-aged ARTIST is up on the ladder with a can of paint and a brush, working on a mural which is on the "fourth wall." He, by the way, is Japanese, as are most of the characters in this play. As the ARTIST paints, a group of people gather upstage, watching him intently. They include a BUSINESSMAN, a MOTHER and her tiny-pantsed BOY, and an OLD WOMAN. They watch as the ARTIST finishes working and comes down off the ladder. When the characters speak, their voices are provided by two people on the theater's sound system. This "dubbing" does not match their lip movements in the least. To compensate, the actors have to use exaggerated hand gestures. The ARTIST is dubbed by VOICE #1, which is male.] ARTIST [#1]: There. All done. [He takes down the ladder and takes a step back to admire his handiwork. It is then that he sees the small crowd that has gathered.] ARTIST [#1]: Well, what do you think? Isn't it a beauty? [The BUSINESSMAN steps forward. He is dubbed by VOICE #1 as well.] BUSINESSMAN [#1]: It is a strange subject for a public mural, don't you think? ARTIST [#1]: What do you mean? [The MOTHER and her BOY step forward. They are both dubbed by VOICE #2, which is female.] MOTHER [#2]: I don't think you should be dredging up the past like this. Some people would rather forget. BOY [#2]: Mother, is that Hitler? MOTHER [#2]: Yes, it is, son. [to ARTIST] You should be ashamed of yourself. ARTIST [#1]: Ashamed? But I was commissioned to paint this. BUSINESSMAN [#1]: You were? By whom? ARTIST [#1]: By the government, of course. MOTHER [#2]: But why? [The OLD WOMAN steps forward. Strangely enough, she is dubbed by VOICE #1.] OLD WOMAN [#1]: I can tell you why. It is so we will never forget the sins of the past. Unless we remember the past -- even something as painful as World War II -- we are doomed to repeat it. That is why this mural is necessary. ARTIST [#1]: That was very eloquent, but it is a little off the mark. I was hired to paint this mural to celebrate the might of the Axis powers. That is why I chose Adolf Hitler, beloved Fuhrer of our Axis brethren the Germans, as my subject. BUSINESSMAN [#1]: Beloved Fuhrer? Axis brethren? Where have you been for the past 16 years? ARTIST [#1]: Right here, painting this mural. MOTHER [#2]: You've been painting this mural for 16 years? ARTIST [#1]: Seventeen, actually. It was commissioned in 1944. I'm a very meticulous painter, you see. I believe very much in paying attention to detail. Notice how each hair in Hitler's famous mustache is individually painted? MOTHER [#2]: Oh, yes. [While the others look, the BUSINESSMAN stares at the ARTIST.] BUSINESSMAN [#1]: You don't keep up on current events much, do you? ARTIST [#1]: No, why? [Suddenly, the BOY sees something in the sky and points at it.] BOY [#2]: Mother, look! MOTHER [#2]: What is it? [There is the sound of the Neptune Men's spaceship flying overhead, followed by explosions offstage. They start off in the distance and then get louder as they get closer.] ARTIST [#1]: What is it? What's going on? BUSINESSMAN [#1]: It's the Neptune Men! They're bombing the city! Quick, we must run for cover. [Everyone quickly exits except for the ARTIST, who is confused.] ARTIST [#1]: But wait. Who are these Neptune Men and why are they bombing our city? Why haven't I heard about this? [looks around, sees no one] And why am I talking to myself? [The BUSINESSMAN rushes back on and grabs the ARTIST.] BUSINESSMAN [#1]: Come on! ARTIST [#1]: Wait, no! My mural! [As the BUSINESSMAN drags him offstage, the mural is blown to smithereens and there is a blackout. When the lights come up again, the scene has shifted to the set of a television interview program, which is made up of two chairs. In one chair is the HOST of the program and in the other is the LEADER of the Neptune Men. They are watching the stock footage of Tokyo being bombed that was used in the movie, climaxing with the destruction of the Hitler mural. The picture freezes on this image and the HOST turns to the audience. He is, of course, dubbed by VOICE #1.] HOST [#1]: Not a pretty sight, is it? Well, with us today we have the leader of the Neptune Men, who is here to defend his peoples' actions. Well, what do you have to say for yourself? LEADER: I have nothing to defend. We bombed your city; end of story. [The LEADER's voice, incidentally, is not dubbed, but is provided by the actor unfortunate enough to be stuck in the tin can. The HOST is somewhat taken aback by the LEADER's frankness, but presses on.] HOST [#1]: But aren't you going to attempt to shift the blame to someone else like, say, Space Chief? LEADER: Why should we give someone else credit for our bombing campaign? We bombed your city; end of story. HOST [#1]: I'm sorry. I'm a little bit confused. Do you mean you admit to bombing our city? LEADER: Yes. How much clearer can I get? HOST [#1]: Okay, that's strange. LEADER: How so? HOST [#1]: Well, the title of this play is "Evasion of the Neptune Men," so I figured-- LEADER: That I would be evasive and refuse to answer your questions just because it would suit the needs of a lazy playwright? Get real. HOST [#1]: Wow, I am completely out of my depth here. LEADER: Ask me if I'm surprised. HOST [#1]: Okay. Are you surprised? [The LEADER just stares at him, which isn't difficult for him to do seeing as he's stuck in a tin can. Just then, the ARTIST storms onto the stage.] ARTIST [#1]: There you are, you alien bastard! Ruin my mural, will you? LEADER: No thanks, I already did. ARTIST [#1]: That's it. Let's go -- you and me, one on one. LEADER: Oh, if you insist. [The LEADER wearily rises and begins to tussle with the ARTIST. This mostly involves the ARTIST kicking at him and knocking him down from several feet away.] ARTIST [#1]: Ha ha! This'll teach you to mess with a true artist! LEADER: [deadpan] Oh, yes. I've learned my lesson. Ouch. [As the ARTIST continues to harangue the LEADER, the HOST turns to the audience. As VOICE #1 is occupied with the ARTIST's rantings, the HOST is now inexplicably dubbed by VOICE #2. As he speaks, he looks around uncertainly, shocked by his new voice.] HOST [#2]: Well, that appears to be all the time we have for "Destroy Our City, Will You?" Tune in next week when our special guest will be Gamera, friend to children everywhere. Until then... [As the fight continues, the lights fade to black.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [803] How to Irritate Mole People [804] Kiss Me Deadly Mantis [805] The Trouble With Things That Can't Die [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm