===================================================================== TOUCHED BY A DEVIL DOLL ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Devil Doll" ===================================================================== [Lights up on an empty stage. An EMCEE takes the stage and milks the resultant applause for all it's worth.] EMCEE: Good evening, and welcome to the Laff Factory. Tonight we have a terrific bunch of hot, young comedians, and even a ventriloquist, so sit back, enjoy and -- most of all -- laugh, damn you, laugh! [The two-drink minimum audience laughs.] EMCEE: Thank you. Before we begin the show, though, I want to make a quick observation. You know, this Elian thing has been dragging on so long that I've actually formed an opinion about it, and what I think is this... [Lights down on the EMCEE and up on THE GREAT VORELLI, who is waiting in the wings with his dummy HUGO. A HOT, YOUNG COMEDIAN is also standing there, furiously crossing things out in a small spiral notebook.] VORELLI: Well, here we are, Hugo, on the verge of our great comeback. Now don't screw this up or I swear you'll never eat ham again as long as you live. [The COMEDIAN, meanwhile, is watching the EMCEE onstage and is getting more and more frantic.] COMEDIAN: Oh, my God. He's using up all my Elian material! What will I do? What will I say? I have no material! HUGO: Well, remember what I told you. COMEDIAN: Ahhh!!! [The COMEDIAN drops his notebook and runs off, screaming. VORELLI watches him go and looks disapprovingly at HUGO.] VORELLI: Hugo... HUGO: What? [Lights down on VORELLI and HUGO and back up on the EMCEE.] EMCEE: ...And that's what I would say to those kooky Miami relatives! [Huge laughter and applause.] EMCEE: Thank you. Okay now, our first performer is a hot, young comedian that I think you're going to like. This is his first time at the Laff Factory, so let's have a warm round of applause for the well-scrubbed Ryan Bathdaily! [There is applause, but RYAN does not appear. After a couple seconds, the EMCEE goes to the side of the stage, where he confers with somebody. He goes back to the mike.] EMCEE: Oh, I'm very sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but it appears that Ryan Bathdaily has gone and hanged himself... [He looks genuinely sad for a moment, but then brightens up instantly.] EMCEE: ...So let's go right to our second performer! He's British, but don't hold that against him. Making his great comeback here tonight at the Laff Factory, it's the Great Vorelli and Hugo! [There is restrained applause as the EMCEE leaves and VORELLI takes the stage with HUGO on his arm.] VORELLI: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am the Great Vorelli and this is my esteemed collaborator Hugo. Say hello to the nice people, Hugo. HUGO: Hello, nice people. VORELLI: Now, while the emcee was correct in saying that I am a ventriloquist, he forgot to mention that I am also an evil hypnotist, and to demonstrate this skill I will need the help of someone from the audience. But first, allow me to amaze you. [He puts HUGO down at his feet.] VORELLI: Hugo, walk to the footlights. HUGO: I can't. VORELLI: You must obey me. Walk to the footlights. HUGO: I can't. VORELLI: And why not? HUGO: Because there are no footlights. This is a comedy club. [VORELLI looks and sees that there are, in fact, no footlights.] VORELLI: Oh, right. Well, walk to the edge to the stage, then. [HUGO does so. In order for him to do this, HUGO should be played by a small man or a boy -- although a lemur would also do in a pinch. The audience is pretty bemused, but not terribly amazed.] VORELLI: Now return to your master. [HUGO turns around and walks back to VORELLI. A BOORISH AUDIENCE MEMBER in the front row has his own instruction for the dummy.] BOOR: Now tell some jokes! Come on, we came here to laugh! [This naturally throws VORELLI, who is nonplussed.] VORELLI: But aren't you amazed? I am manipulating this dummy without being in any physical contact with it. BOOR: Oh, who cares? Say something funny already! [VORELLI does a slow burn and then picks HUGO up.] VORELLI: Very well. Hugo, did you have a piece of ham today? HUGO: No, I did not. VORELLI: And why not? HUGO: Because you said I couldn't have any. VORELLI: That's right. [He laughs. They bow. The BOOR is unimpressed.] BOOR: Boo! Boo! That wasn't funny! HIS NEIGHBOR: Or entertaining. Bring on somebody funny! [The rest of audience joins in with this demand. VORELLI is understandably flustered. The EMCEE begins to take the stage, but VORELLI waves him off.] VORELLI: Wait, wait. Please. This is my great comeback. Give me another chance. [The audience quiets down.] VORELLI: Now, for the next part of my act, I will need a volunteer from the audience. [to the BOOR] How about you, sir? You already appear to have made yourself part of the show. Why don't you come up here? BOOR: Oh, I don't know. I-- HUGO: What are you, chicken? [The audience laughs.] VORELLI: Now, Hugo. Watch your manners. HUGO: Oh, screw you. [Another big laugh.] VORELLI: Well, how about it, sir? [The BOOR rises and takes the stage.] VORELLI: Now, have you ever met me before in your life? BOOR: No, I think I'd remember you. HUGO: And what about me? BOOR: Uhh, no. HUGO: Had to think about it, didn't you? [A pause for a laugh.] VORELLI: All right, now what I'm going to do is hypnotize you and then Hugo is going to talk to you. Now, have you ever been under hypnosis? BOOR: No, that crap don't work on me. VORELLI: Very well. Just look into my eyes. Now I am going to count down from ten. And by the time I reach the number one-- [He snaps his finger. The BOOR is instantly hypnotized.] VORELLI: No challenge at all. Hugo? HUGO: What is your name, Mr. "That crap don't work on me"? BOOR: It's Jim. HUGO: And are you at a spiritual crossroad in your life, Jim? BOOR: Yes. HUGO: Are you depressed and troubled? BOOR: Yes. HUGO: Do you want to be told that God loves you and hasn't forgotten you? BOOR: Yes. HUGO: Well, I'm very sorry, but I can't help you, you loser. [This gets a big laugh from the audience.] HUGO: I can, however, tell you that Satan loves you. VORELLI: Hugo! HUGO: Can it, goat-face. Now, Jim. Satan understands your problems. It may not seem that way, but he's always there when you're down and depressed. Remember that, won't you? BOOR: I will. HUGO: Okay, get him out of here. [VORELLI snaps his fingers and the BOOR is back again.] BOOR: Huh? What happened? HUGO: Get off the stage you whiny, pathetic piece of human excrement. [Dazed, the BOOR steps down and retakes his seat in the front row.] VORELLI: Hugo has unexpected talents, does he not? Now, ladies and gentlemen, I should like another volunteer. HUGO: Wait, before you bring some other schmuck up here, I want some wine. VORELLI: But you are a dummy, Hugo. A common puppet. HUGO: I don't care. I want some wine. VORELLI: I...don't think they serve wine in this establishment. HUGO: Well, give me something to drink, damnit! Can I get a waitress up here? VORELLI: I'm very sorry, ladies and gentlemen. Hugo's a little cranky this evening. He probably had some bad sawdust. HUGO: Hey, there's one! Get your ass up here! [A WAITRESS makes her way up to the stage.] VORELLI: Now, Hugo, that's no way to talk to a lady. HUGO: I'm not talking to a lady. I'm talking to this broad. Come right up onstage. That's right. Don't be afraid of the dummy. [The WAITRESS comes up onstage.] VORELLI: Are you frightened, Miss...? WAITRESS: No, just let me take your stupid dummy's order. HUGO: What did you call me? VORELLI: I think you've made her angry, Hugo. You should apologize to her. HUGO: No. VORELLI: Apologize. HUGO: Oh, all right. I'm sorry. Are you happy? Now I'd like a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, and make it snappy. [The WAITRESS takes down the order and starts to leave.] VORELLI: Wait, before you go. Look into my eyes. [The WAITRESS turns around and looks into his eyes.] VORELLI: You are completely within my power. And, even though I have an incredibly craggy face and am irretrievably ugly, you somehow find me attractive and will come to my dressing room tonight after the show. Will you do that? WAITRESS: Yes. VORELLI: Thank you. [He snaps his fingers. The WAITRESS turns to leave again. As she does, HUGO slaps her on the ass.] HUGO: And don't forget the twist, you stupid bint! [The WAITRESS storms off the stage. VORELLI looks disapprovingly at HUGO.] VORELLI: Well, Hugo, it appears you've made quite an impression on my new lady-friend. HUGO: Oh, shut up. VORELLI: And you've also used up the rest of our time with these nice people. I think you should apologize to them. HUGO: Me? Apologize to them? For what? VORELLI: Apologize. [He gives HUGO one of his patented stares. HUGO meekly turns to the audience.] HUGO: I'm very sorry you won't get to see the rest of our freaking act. VORELLI: There. That's better. Good night. [They bow and exit the stage. The EMCEE returns.] EMCEE: Yes, there they are -- the Great Vorelli and Hugo. Let's have another round of applause for them...I guess. [There is scant applause. The BOOR in the front row turns to his neighbor.] BOOR: Well, at least he's funnier than Carrot Top. [Lights down on the EMCEE and up on VORELLI and HUGO in his dressing room. VORELLI is putting HUGO into his cage.] VORELLI: I think that went very well. Don't you, Hugo? All except for the part where you called that waitress a stupid bint. [HUGO remains bitterly silent. There is a knock at the door.] VORELLI: Yes? WAITRESS: [off] Mr. Vorelli, I'm here to see you now. VORELLI: Just a moment. [picks up the cover for the cage] You know, Hugo, with the ladies you'll never win. You'll always lose. That is the power of hypnotism. HUGO: Aww, bite me. [As VORELLI puts the cover on the cage, there is a blackout. In the darkness, we hear:] HUGO: Hey, what about my drink? T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm