=====================================================================
                THE MILD APPREHENSION OF PARTY BEACH
=====================================================================
      a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net)
=====================================================================
           based on the movie "The Horror at Party Beach"
=====================================================================

[Lights up on a beach.  Whether you want to go all out and dump a
bunch of sand all over your stage or just use a painted backdrop of
the beach and ocean is up to you.  Anyway, sitting in a folding chair
at center stage is a GIRL with a book in her lap.  (The actress
playing her should clearly be in her 30s, but she is still a GIRL.)
Loud "surf" music is blaring from offstage.  A large number of
scantily-clad people of both sexes "dance" across the stage.  The
GIRL looks up momentarily as they pass, sneers, and then goes back to
her reading.  Behind her, the backdrop parts and the stupid-looking
fish-headed, hot dog-mouthed MONSTER from the movie crawls out of the
"ocean."  It stands erect, lets out a terrible roar, makes its eyes
bug out and advances on the GIRL.  It stops right behind her, its
shadow looming over her, and prepares to attack.  The GIRL doesn't
look up from her book.]

GIRL: Umm, excuse me.  I'm trying to read here.

[The MONSTER pauses, confused.]

GIRL: Hello?!  You're standing in my light.  Please move.

[The MONSTER complies, backing up a few steps.]

GIRL: Thank you.

[The MONSTER thinks for a second and, remembering what its purpose
is, holds up its arms up, lets out another roar and starts to advance
again.]

GIRL: Oh, will you knock it off?  I can hardly hear myself think with
      that music blaring, and now you gotta make with the roaring.
      Just get out of my hair, won't you?

[The MONSTER pauses again and then, dismissing the GIRL, stalks
offstage, looking for less-demanding prey.  After a second, the
backdrop parts again and a SECOND MONSTER -- the seaweed-covered type
-- crawls out of the surf and advances on the GIRL.  It doesn't roar,
but stealthily creeps up on her, laying a seaweedy hand on her
shoulder.]

GIRL: Hey, stop that.  I didn't come to the beach to get wet, you
      creep.

[Reproached, the SECOND MONSTER retracts its hand and backs away, but
leaves a strand of seaweed on the GIRL's shoulder.  The GIRL looks at
it dismissively.]

GIRL: Excuse me, but didn't you forget something?

[Shamed, the SECOND MONSTER quietly walks up behind the GIRL and
removes the rogue seaweed from her shoulder.]

GIRL: Thanks a lot.  Jerk.

[Demoralized, the SECOND MONSTER goes off in the direction the FIRST
MONSTER went, but meets it at the exit.]

SECOND MONSTER: Oh, hey there, Ralph.
FIRST MONSTER: Mornin', Sam.
SECOND MONSTER: So, how are the pickings today?

[The FIRST MONSTER gestures in the direction he came from.]

FIRST MONSTER: Oh, they're all right over there.  Everyone is so
               mesmerized by the surf stylings of the Del-Aires that
               they're easy to pick off.  [points at the GIRL]  But
               steer clear of that one.  She's quite the prickly
               pear, if you know what I mean.
SECOND MONSTER: Too late.
FIRST MONSTER: Been there?
SECOND MONSTER: Don't you know it.

[They both laugh.]

FIRST MONSTER: All right.  Well, happy blood-drinking.
SECOND MONSTER: Catch you later.

[They part ways, the SECOND MONSTER heading off in the direction of
the beach party and the FIRST MONSTER heading back into the ocean.
As it passes behind the GIRL, though, it pauses and starts to turn in
her direction.]

GIRL: Don't even think about it.

[Fed up, the FIRST MONSTER stalks back into the surf, waiting for the
backdrop to part so it can exit.  After a few seconds, EULABELLE --
the _slightly_ stereotypical maid character -- enters.]

EULABELLE: You know what I say, child.  It's voodoo all right.

[The GIRL turns with a start and sees EULABELLE.  She lets out a
blood-curdling scream.]

GIRL: Oh, my God!  It's a black person on the beach!  Run!

[She takes off like a shot, leaving her book behind.  EULABELLE looks
out at the audience.]

EULABELLE: This moment of social satire brought to you by Sodium.

[EULABELLE reaches down and picks up the book.  She looks at the
cover.]

EULABELLE: "Uncle Tom's Cabin"?

[She opens it and exits, reading as she goes.  Blackout.]


                        T H E       E N D


=====================================================================
              THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK
=====================================================================
[901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man
[902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen
[903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man...
[904] Where Wolf? There Wolf!
[905] The Deadly B-Sides
[816/906] The Prince of Space Children
[907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch
[908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan


You can read these one-act plays and more at
http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm