===================================================================== RE-ANIMATION AGENT FOR H.A.R.M. ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Agent for H.A.R.M." ===================================================================== [Lights up on the laboratory of HERBERT WEST, Re-Animator. WEST, who is dressed in a lab coat, has a lot of different substances bubbling in various test tubes and beakers, but he is most intent on a glowing, lime green liquid. He adds a few ingredients to it and, once it is the correct consistency, he pours it into a beaker and takes out a syringe. Just as he starts drawing the liquid into the syringe, there is a knock at the door.] WEST: [testy] Who is it? [No answer. WEST starts drawing liquid. There is another knock at the door.] WEST: I said, who IS IT? [Again, there is no answer. WEST, annoyed, slams the syringe down on the counter and goes to answer the door. Before he reaches it there is another knock.] WEST: I'm coming, I'm coming! Geez! [He opens the door and ADAM CHANCE, Agent for H.A.R.M., enters. He is dressed in a cardigan.] WEST: What do you want? How dare you interrupt my work? CHANCE: You are Herbert West, the unconventional medical student who just recently defected from Switzerland, are you not? WEST: Umm, yes to everything but the defected part. CHANCE: Huh? WEST: I am an American citizen. I was in Switzerland to study with Dr. Hans Gruber, but now I am back. CHANCE: Oh, I see. [looks around lab] So, what are you working on? It wouldn't have anything to do with SPORES, would it? [He picks up a random test tube, which WEST grabs out of his hand.] WEST: Give me that! What are you, some kind of child? Who are you anyway and what do you want? CHANCE: I am Adam Chance, Agent for H.A.R.M., and I am here to protect you. WEST: Protect me from what? CHANCE: I don't know. Yourself, probably. You wouldn't by any chance have a nubile young niece, would you? WEST: What are you talking about? I'm barely in grad school. CHANCE: [obviously disappointed] Oh, I see. [He wanders around the laboratory with WEST on his heels. Whenever CHANCE picks up or touches anything, WEST grabs it away from him and puts it back in its place.] WEST: So, Mr. Chance, I take it you work for the government. CHANCE: That is correct. WEST: So what does H.A.R.M. stand for anway? CHANCE: Umm...I can't remember. But that's not important now! What is important is what you're working on. What is it? [He reaches for the syringe but WEST bats his hand away.] WEST: Stop that! I'll tell you if you just sit down and stop touching things. CHANCE: Very well. [He finds a seat.] WEST: If you must know, I have developed a reagent which brings the dead back to life... Well, a kind of life at any rate. CHANCE: And did you have to kill to get it out of Switzerland? WEST: Of course not! Well, not really. CHANCE: So you did kill somebody? WEST: No, I gave him life. [A dramatic chord sounds.] CHANCE: Uhh, right. Okay, let's cut to the chase, Mr. West. I am here because my agency heard reports of strange things going on at this university -- things which are directly related to your...unusual work. WEST: I don't know what you're talking about. [Suddenly the door bursts open and in comes DEAN CAIN, one of WEST's fellow grad students. WEST goes to him.] CAIN: West, you've got to come quick! Dr. Hill's on the loose again. At least his body is. We haven't found his head yet, but it must be around somewhere. WEST: Man, that's one re-animation that I'll always regret. What was I thinking? CAIN: Come quickly! WEST: I'll be right there. [CAIN exits. WEST turns around and sees CHANCE eyeing him.] CHANCE: A body without a head? WEST: What can I say? It seemed like a good idea at the time. CHANCE: This case is getting stranger by the moment. [He looks at the test tube rack and picks up one that contains yellow liquid (like in the movie). Because he is across the room, WEST cannot prevent him.] CHANCE: Say, I wonder how this tastes. [He downs it and immediately goes into convulsions. Eventually, after taking so long to die that half the audience walks out, he falls to the floor, deader than Dillinger. WEST rushes to him and checks his pulse.] WEST: Oh, I love it when dead bodies just fall into my lap. [He rises and fills the syringe with reagent. As he does so, he shakes his head.] WEST: What an idiot. Hmm. I've never tried re-agent on an idiot before... [He bends down to apply the reagent to CHANCE. "Re-Animator" music plays. Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm