===================================================================== YET ANOTHER MOVIE CALLED JACK FROST ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Jack Frost" ===================================================================== [After the house lights go out, the stage is bathed in darkness. This goes on for some time. Eventually, a commanding VOICE is heard over the loudspeakers.] VOICE: Let there be lights! [The lights suddenly rise on a bare stage. Nothing happens for some time. Eventually, the VOICE returns.] VOICE: Let there be action! [Snow is thrown on stage from the wings. It comes in clumps and isn't terribly convincing. After a moment, an ACTOR resembling Michael Keaton is pushed onstage along with an ACTRESS and a CHILD. They are bundled up for winter. Almost immediately, the CHILD starts whining.] CHILD: Oh, Daddy. Why can't you stick around a little longer? It's snowing out and I want to play! ACTOR: Listen, kiddo. There's nothing I wouldn't like better than staying here with you and your mother, but I'm a musician. The road is calling me. [His cell phone rings.] ACTOR: You hear that? That's the road. [He answers his phone.] ACTOR: Hello? Yes. Yes, I'm on my way. [As he talks, he starts crossing the stage.] ACTOR: I'm walking toward my car even as we speak. [Just as he exits, he turns and gives a curt wave to his family. The CHILD looks up at the ACTRESS.] CHILD: Mommy, why can't Daddy play more gigs closer to home? ACTRESS: Probably because they're already sick of him and his band around here. CHILD: Oh. [Offstage, there is the sound of a car being started.] ACTRESS: Wave bye-bye to Daddy. [She and the CHILD wave as the car drives away. Almost immediately, there is the sound of it going into a skid.] ACTRESS: Oh, my God! He's heading right for that tree! [They listen in horror to the sound of a horrendous car crash. After a moment, a hubcap rolls across the stage. It stops at the CHILD's feet.] CHILD: Oh, Daddy! [The ACTRESS and CHILD hold each other for comfort as the lights fade to black.] VOICE: One year later... [Lights rise to reveal the CHILD all by himself, trying to play in the fake snow, but not having much success.] CHILD: Sigh, it's just no fun freezing my butt off in the snow without my Daddy. [The CHILD tries to make a snowball, but it disintegrates in his hands. Meanwhile, the ACTOR -- dressed up in a snowman costume -- awkwardly trundles onstage.] ACTOR: [muffled] Did I hear someone calling me? CHILD: Daddy! [The CHILD rushes over and hugs the snowman tightly. Just as suddenly he pulls back.] CHILD: Daddy, why are you a snowman? [Before the ACTOR can reply, a STAGE MANAGER enters. She is wearing a headset and carrying a clipboard.] STAGE MANAGER: Hold it, hold it! Stop! ACTOR: [muffled] What? STAGE MANAGER: This is the wrong "Jack Frost." [The ACTOR forcibly removes the head of the snowman costume. He is hot and sweaty inside it.] ACTOR: What did you say? STAGE MANAGER: You're supposed to be doing a different "Jack Frost." This is the wrong one. ACTOR: Well, that's just perfect! [Enraged, he trundles offstage. The CHILD looks up at the STAGE MANAGER, who is listening to something on her headset.] CHILD: Hey, lady, do you need me any more? STAGE MANAGER: [into headset] Say, do we need the kid any more? No? [to CHILD] No, you can go. CHILD: Thank God! [The CHILD runs off.] STAGE MANAGER: Okay, clear the stage. [She looks around and then realizes that the stage is clear.] STAGE MANAGER: Oh. [She exits. The lights go out again. Nothing happens for some time. After a time, the VOICE returns.] VOICE: Okay, let's try this again. Lights! Action! [Lights rise on the empty stage again. The snowfall is just as believable as before. This time the ACTOR and ACTRESS are pushed onstage along with a second actor dressed as a SHERIFF. The ACTOR is in handcuffs.] SHERIFF: Well, it's a good thing we caught this serial killer before he was able to make you his next victim, ma'am. ACTRESS: Thanks, sheriff, I appreciate it. SHERIFF: All right, you. Let's go. [He pushes the ACTOR ahead of him as they cross the stage.] ACTOR: You haven't seen the last of me, sheriff. I'll be back, and I will kill you. SHERIFF: Yeah, right. [They are offstage. The ACTRESS hangs around and listens to their voices, which can be heard over the sound of a car engine being started.] SHERIFF: Now, get in that car and don't have an accident on the way to your execution. [He closes the car door and reappears onstage, crossing to stand with the ACTRESS.] SHERIFF: There, there. He's leaving now. Let's wave bye-bye. [He and the ACTRESS wave as the car drives away.] SHERIFF: Watch out for that patch of ice! [They listen in horror as the car goes into a skid.] ACTRESS: Oh, no. They're heading straight for that tank full of some experimental acid! SHERIFF: I hope his genetic material doesn't get mixed up in it. [There is the sound of a horrendous crash.] ACTRESS: Too late. [A hubcap rolls across the stage and stops at their feet. They hold each other for comfort. Lights fade to black.] VOICE: One hour later. [Lights up on empty stage. The ACTRESS and SHERIFF are gone. The ACTOR -- dressed in the same exact snowman costume -- trundles back onstage. It is designed very poorly and this time he actually trips on his way in. The ACTOR's a trooper, though, and he gets right back up.] ACTOR: [muffled] Arrgh! I have returned! And now I can get my revenge on that country town sheriff! [Before he can continue, the STAGE MANAGER re-enters.] STAGE MANAGER: Hold it, hold it! ACTOR: [muffled] What? Oh, don't tell me. STAGE MANAGER: Yes. ACTOR: [muffled] This can't be the wrong "Jack Frost" again. STAGE MANAGER: I'm afraid it is. ACTOR: [muffled] Damn it. Well, when you know which "Jack Frost" we're supposed to be parodying here, you let me know, okay? [So saying he turns on his heel to exit and falls on his ass. The ACTOR tries to get back up, but can't. He screams in frustration.] STAGE MANAGER: [into headset] Could I have a little help out here? ACTOR: [muffled] Thank you. [But the help that arrives is not a stage hand to help him up, but rather the DIRECTOR. The ACTOR, meanwhile, tries to remove the costume's head again, but this time it's stuck.] DIRECTOR: What's the problem? STAGE MANAGER: Which "Jack Frost" are we supposed to be doing? DIRECTOR: You mean there's more than one? STAGE MANAGER: Apparently. Haven't you noticed the two false starts? DIRECTOR: No, I was outside having a smoke. ACTOR: [muffled] Hey, could I get a hand here? STAGE MANAGER: Maybe the writer would know. DIRECTOR: Unavailable. Look, just how many "Jack Frost"s can there be? STAGE MANAGER: [consults clipboard] According to my sources, seven. But that includes the sequel to the one we just did, so there's four left. ACTOR: [muffled] Hey, actor down here! [He starts thrashing around on the floor, attempting to get their attention; he fails.] DIRECTOR: And it wouldn't be the black and white silent film or either of the animated ones. STAGE MANAGER: Not even the Rankin-Bass special? DIRECTOR: No. STAGE MANAGER: Then that leaves "Morozko." DIRECTOR: "Morozko"? STAGE MANAGER: Yeah, it's one of those Russo-Finnish jobs from the '60s. Really freaky. DIRECTOR: How freaky? STAGE MANAGER: Oh, it's got enchanted houses, walking trees, little mushroom men, guys that get turned into bears. ACTOR: [muffled] HELP ME!!!!! [He scream continues over the following dialogue:] DIRECTOR: What about Jack Frost? Is he a talking snowman? STAGE MANAGER: Nope, no talking snowmen. DIRECTOR: Terrific. [He turns and immediately begins savagely kicking the crap out of the ACTOR.] DIRECTOR: Shut up, shut up, shut UP! [When he's finished the ACTOR has stopped screaming and is instead sobbing quietly, curled up in a fetal ball, or close as he can get to one in the costume. The DIRECTOR, meanwhile, regains his composure.] DIRECTOR: Anyway, about this "Morocco"-- STAGE MANAGER: "Morozko." DIRECTOR: Whatever. Do we have the props, costumes and talent necessary to carry it off? STAGE MANAGER: Hmm, let me check. [consults clipboard] Hmmmmmmmmm-- Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. DIRECTOR: All right, then. Another smoke break for me. [He exits swiftly. The STAGE MANAGER listens to something on her headset.] STAGE MANAGER: Yeah, all right. We're packing it in down here. This one's a total wash. Clear the stage. [She exits, leaving the ACTOR alone onstage. He starts to crawl off stage. This takes a very long time. Once he is finally off, the ACTRESS wanders back onto the stage.] ACTRESS: Say, Mike. We're going to Applebee's. You want to come with us? Mike? [She looks where the ACTOR crawled off to.] ACTRESS: Mike? Mike, look out for that truck! [She recoils in horror at the sound the ACTOR being run over by a truck. She holds herself for comfort. Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [803] How to Irritate Mole People [804] Kiss Me Deadly Mantis [805] The Trouble With Things That Can't Die [806] The Grateful Undead Talk Back [807] Slight Upset from the Year 5000 [808] He Features She Creatures Down by the Seashore [809] I Was a Teenage Marketing Ploy or: Teen Wolf Zero [810] They Might Be Giant Spiders [811] clonus: the lowercase horror [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [819] Evasion of the Neptune Men [820] Pigs in Space Mutiny [821] Vodka with a Time Chaser [822] Eating Raul or: Overfed at the Memory Banquet [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan TWENTY-EIGHT DOWN, ONE MORE TO GO: [812] The Incredibly Strange Creatures Stop to Get Ice Cream You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm