===================================================================== parts: the lowercase horror ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "parts: the clonus horror" ===================================================================== [Lights up on a typical board room. There is a long table which runs parallel to the proscenium and extends almost all the way across the stage. At the head of the room at upstage left is an easel upon which is a sign which reads "clonus: it's not science fiction". Around the table sit a group of old, presumably rich, white guys -- there are no women or minorities present, and none of them are under the age of 50 or look like they do their own grocery shopping. There is a door at upstage center. After a few seconds it is opened and JEFFREY KNIGHT -- political hopeful and future presidential candidate -- enters the room. He looks much younger than he did in the movie. This is because this play takes place in 1963, when clonus was still in its infancy. KNIGHT is followed by three DOCTORS -- two of whom we recognize from the movie (DR. JAMESON and DR. NELSON) and one we don't (DR. ECKSTORE, whom I shall get to in a moment).] KNIGHT: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm so glad you could make it. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Jeffrey Knight and with me are Dr. Jameson, Dr. Nelson and Dr. Eckstore. They are the minds behind clonus. Now, some of you as I recall were curious about the secrecy surrounding this briefing. Well, there was a good reason for it. The reason is this: What we are about to tell you will quite literally change your lives. Dr. Jameson? [JAMESON steps forward to address the assembled codgers.] JAMESON: Thank you, Jeffrey. Gentlemen, what we are talking about here is clones. Wait a minute. _Are_ clones. Let me start over. Gentlemen, what we are talking about here are clones. Wait... NELSON: That doesn't sound right. JAMESON: [snapping] I know it doesn't sound right. NELSON: I think you were right the first time. JAMESON: Please, let me figure this out. What we are-- [Before the presentation can devolve any further, KNIGHT interrupts.] KNIGHT: Gentlemen, we are talking about clones. [He shoots a glare at JAMESON and NELSON, who meekly take their seats at the table. KNIGHT then turns on the charm and turns back to the old men.] KNIGHT: Put simply, clonus is in the clone making business, and we're looking for candidates for our next batch. The program is still in the experimental phase, so the process isn't cheap, but you were hand selected because we knew you could afford it -- and that you would be interested in the possibility of living, if not forever, then for a very long time. Now, to give you an idea of the technology involved, I'd like to introduce Dr. Eckstore, the newest addition to our cloning team. [He takes his seat. ECKSTORE nods and walks to the head of the room. He is in his forties with unkempt hair and an unmistakable German accent. He carries a large leather bag, which he sets down on the floor, and -- after consulting his notes -- he turns the sign on the easel around so that it can be used as a screen for the slide projector which NELSON has been setting up. As ECKSTORE turns the projector on, NELSON dims the lights. The first slide reads "basic cloning equipment".] ECKSTORE: Zank you, Herr Knight. Now, in my native Germany I have done extensive research into ze field of cloning, und zere are a number of zings vich can be considered basic cloning equipment -- ze parts that make up ze clone, in a matter of speaking. [He advances to the next slide, which reads "the nose".] ECKSTORE: It is true zat no clone is complete vizzout a nose, und zat is vere ve begin. [ECKSTORE reaches into his pocket and pulls out a red clown nose, which he puts on. He doesn't notice the shocked look on KNIGHT's face as he advances to the next slide, which reads "makeup".] ECKSTORE: Next is ze makeup, vich usually consists of a vite base mit red face paint for around ze mouth und painted-on eyebrows. [He reaches into bag and pulls out a container of clown white and some face paints.] ECKSTORE: Now, for ze purposes of zis demonstration, ve vill take it as read zat I have put on the makeup und move on... [As he advances to the next slide, which reads "the wig", KNIGHT rises and -- tapping JAMESON on the shoulder -- pulls him aside to the downstage right area. ECKSTORE continues.] ECKSTORE: Next is ze vig. Zome clones like ze red vig, but I have found zat blue or green or even purple vork just as vell. [He reaches into his bag and pulls out a purple wig, which he dons. By this time, KNIGHT and JAMESON are at downstage right and the light shifts to focus on them. The next few slides read "the costume", "the shoes" and "the horn", and ECKSTORE continues his presentation accordingly, but we don't hear what he is saying. Meanwhile...] KNIGHT: What in the name of Beelzebub is going on here? I thought you said this guy was an expert on cloning. JAMESON: I thought so, too. When I spoke to him on the phone, I asked if he was the Dr. Eckstore who was world renowned for his research into cloning and he said yes. Wait, I just thought of something. KNIGHT: Oh, have you? Well, let's hear it, genius. JAMESON: It's possible that we had a bad connection and when I said "cloning," he thought I said "clowning." KNIGHT: Oh, you think so? [They turn and watch for a moment as ECKSTORE puts on two enormous clown shoes and then struts around in them.] KNIGHT: Okay, now that we know what happened, how do we handle this? JAMESON: Well, for one thing, we have to stop this presentation. [KNIGHT stares at JAMESON for a moment.] KNIGHT: [sarcastic] Thank you, Dr. Jameson. I don't know what I'd do without you. Okay, here's the plan. I'll slip out quietly and get security. Meanwhile, you try to stall Dr. Eckstore -- if he really is a doctor -- until I get back. JAMESON: Okay. [The lights change back to the way they were before as KNIGHT slips out and JAMESON walks around behind ECKSTORE and waits for an opportunity to interrupt him. ECKSTORE, meanwhile, is demonstrating his horn, which he honks repeatedly.] ECKSTORE: Zere, you see how zis vorks? Now ze horn is not ze only veapon in ze clone's arsenal. Zere is also zeltzer. [He advances to the next slide, which reads "seltzer bottle", and pulls one out of his bag. As he does so, JAMESON steps forward.] JAMESON: Excuse me, Dr. Eckstore. If I could have a word with-- ECKSTORE: Ah, Dr. Jameson! I vas just about to ask for a volunteer, but you vill do nicely. [JAMESON looks around and smiles, realizing he has no choice but to play along.] JAMESON: Uh huh. And just what do I need to do? ECKSTORE: Just stand zere. Now, let us pretend zat Dr. Jameson is a fellow clone und he has tricked me into slipping on a banana peel. In cloning, ze only appropriate response is to deliver a shot of zeltzer wasser to ze face, like zo. [He douses JAMESON with the seltzer. JAMESON just stands there and takes it like a man.] ECKSTORE: Zank you. [He pats JAMESON on the shoulder and advances to the next slide, which reads "cream pies".] ECKSTORE: Next, ve come to ze creme de la creme -- ze cream pies. [So saying, he proceeds to take a large number of cream pies out of his bag -- more than you would think would fit in it, but there it is. As he is doing so...] JAMESON: Dr. Eckstore, I really think-- ECKSTORE: Zat I should use someone else for zis demonstration? Maybe zo. Vould anyone else like to volunteer? Dr. Nelson, perhaps? [NELSON gets a deer-in-headlights look and furiously shakes his head.] ECKSTORE: No? [At that moment, KNIGHT re-enters with a SECURITY GUARD in tow and turns the lights up to full.] ECKSTORE: Ahh, Herr Knight! You're just in time to be my next volunteer! [He picks up a pie.] KNIGHT: [pointing at ECKSTORE] There's the impostor I told you about. Get him! [The GUARD advances on ECKSTORE and gets a pie in his face for his troubles. He gropes around blindly. ECKSTORE picks up another pie.] ECKSTORE: Shame, Herr Knight. Zending zomeone else in your place. Zat von't do. [He throws the pie at KNIGHT and hits him right in the kisser.] KNIGHT: All right, that does it! [He gropes around on the table for a pie and throws it at ECKSTORE, who ducks out of the way, causing the errant pie to hit JAMESON in the face. Enraged, KNIGHT shoves a pie into NELSON's hands.] KNIGHT: Don't just sit there. Get him! [NELSON hesitates, giving ECKSTORE the opportunity to push the pie into his face. Meanwhile, the GUARD has recovered and grabs a pie of his own, which he smashes into ECKSTORE's face. Now it's a free-for- all and a full-fledged pie fight breaks out. They quickly run out of ammunition, though, and everyone stands around for a few seconds looking confused and perhaps a little foolish. Just then, there is a knock on the door and KEENAN WYNN -- dressed as Col. Bat Guano from "Dr. Strangelove" -- enters with a cart full of pies.] KEENAN WYNN: Say, fellas. We've got these pies that are left over from the Stanley Kubrick movie I just finished shooting. Do you have any use for them? ALL: Oh, have we! [KNIGHT, ECKSTORE and the others descend on him and recommence the fight as we go to a quick blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [803] How to Irritate Mole People [804] Kiss Me Deadly Mantis [805] The Trouble With Things That Can't Die [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [819] Evasion of the Neptune Men [820] Pigs in Space Mutiny [821] Vodka with a Time Chaser [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan COMING EVENTUALLY: [806] The Grateful Undead Talk Back [807] Mystery from the Year 3000 [808] She Features She Creatures Down by the Seashore [809] I Was a Teenage Marketing Ploy [810] The Giant Spider Invasion -- 1964 [812] The Incredibly Strange Creatures Stop to Conquer [813] Yet Another Movie Called Jack Frost [822] Overfed at the Memory Banquet You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm