===================================================================== THEY MIGHT BE GIANT SPIDERS ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Giant Spider Invasion" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the sheriff's office. It is sparsely decorated. In fact, its main feature is the sheriff's huge, expansive desk, upon which sits a phone and a lamp. There is also a chair but it is not on the desk because that would be silly. SHERIFF JEFF JONES is standing beside his desk. He is in uniform, but most of his shirt buttons are undone, revealing his chest hair for all to be horrified by. He speaks directly to the audience.] SHERIFF: Hi, I'm Jeff Jones, sheriff of Marathon County, Wisconsin. Now, some people might think that being a sheriff in north central Wisconsin would mean that things are pretty quiet for me, but they couldn't be more wrong. All day long I'm constantly fielding telephone calls asking me for advice or help with a problem. And sometimes I'm even called upon to leave my office, but most times-- [The phone rings. It is that loud, insistent ring that instantly identifies this as the 70s.] SHERIFF: Oh, excuse me. Duty calls. [He sits down behind his desk and answers the phone.] SHERIFF: Hello, sheriff's office. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. It's S-H-E-R-I-F-F -- sheriff. No, that's one "r" and two "f"s. Of course I'm sure. All right, then. [Hangs up.] SHERIFF: That was old widow Parsons. She usually does her crossword around this time. I expect she'll be calling me back at least once more before-- [Phone rings.] SHERIFF: Excuse me. [answers phone] Sheriff's office. Oh, hello, Ev. [puts hand on receiver, to audience] That's Ev Kester, the town lush. [hand off receiver] What's that? You want to know how to get the stains out of your long johns? Oh, I see. They're your husband's long johns. Right. Well, I'm no expert, Ev, but I'm pretty sure you'll need to get them off your husband and wash them. Yes, I realize that's not a pleasant thought, but the truth isn't always pretty. Yes, of course you should use bleach. That's what bleach is for-- Oh, is that Dan I hear in the background? We'll I'd better let you go, then. [He hangs up, shaking his head.] SHERIFF: It's sad, really. A married woman and she doesn't even know how to do her own laundry. You know, that reminds me. I get a domestic disturbance call that gets me out to Dan and Ev's place about once every-- [Phone rings.] SHERIFF: Excuse me. [answers phone] Sheriff's office. Oh, hi, Dan. Yes, I was just talking to your wife a minute ago. What's that you say? Uh huh. And you brought them into your house? Interesting. Well, whatever you do, don't do anything that will cause them to-- Oh, you already did? Well, what's inside them? Is it a weird, glowing liquid that causes a green space fungus to grow all over your body? Oh, good, because if it was then we'd be anticipating a Stephen King story by a good seven years and you know how unlikely that would be. Well, I don't know what to tell you. They might be worth something, but then again-- Oh, I see. Your Cousin Billy's going to take a look at them? Well, be sure to let know how that works out for you. [Hangs up, shaking his head.] SHERIFF: Heh, looks like Dan's been hitting the sauce just as hard as Ev. Rocks with diamonds in them. And last night he called me to complain about some cow mutilations. Like I have time to check out every single cow in the county that gets disemboweled-- [Phone rings.] SHERIFF: See what I told you about the constant calls? [answers phone] Sheriff's office. Yes, as a matter of fact we are holding a Polka Festival. It's going to be three days of polka fun. Well, first we have to wait for the revival to clear out. Preachers sure have some funny ideas about polka music and eternal damnation. Well, I hope to see you out there. [Hangs up.] SHERIFF: You know, one of these days I should think about getting me a secretary -- somebody to answer the phone so I don't have to. Hmm, I wonder if Helga would consider giving up waitressing... [He thinks and, as he rises, there is a blackout. Lights up on the same office. It is the next day and the sheriff is discovered on the phone -- surprise.] SHERIFF: Are you sure you can't send someone over? Listen, I'm the sheriff of this county. I shouldn't be answering my own phone. Hey, she can be a belly dancer, I don't need a true romancer. She can be a diplomat, but I don't need a girl like that. Hell, she can be a neurosurgeon if she's doing nothing urgent -- what I need's a temporary secretary. Uh huh. I see. All right, I'll think about it. [Hangs up.] SHERIFF: Well, that was helpful. [to audience] To get you up to speed, I went to Dutch's last night to see if Helga would like to go to work for me and she said no. Then I drove out to the Kester place to see if Ev wanted the job, but I couldn't even find her. Now this temp agency says they won't send anybody over if I don't button up my shirt. Well, I suppose I'd better bite the bullet and-- [As he starts to do up his first button, the phone rings.] SHERIFF: Ah, saved by the bell. [answers phone] Sheriff's office. Oh, hey, little buddy. [hand on the receiver] It's Dave Perkins. His father runs the local paper and he think he's some kind of hotshot reporter. Let's see what the little pissant wants now. [hand off receiver] Yes, Dave, I'm here. What's up? No, I hadn't heard about a black hole creating an interdimensional portal in Kester's field. I see. Well, I don't particularly feel like leaving the office right now, so why don't you look into it and if there's anything to the story let me know. Bye. [Hangs up.] SHERIFF: That Dave. He's a nice kid but he doesn't know a hole in the ground from his-- [Phone rings.] SHERIFF: Strange how that always interrupts me in mid sentence. [answers phone] Sheriff's office. Oh, hello, Terry. What was that? You're going to have to stop screaming if you want me to-- What? Hold on a moment. [He doesn't even put his hand on the receiver this time.] SHERIFF: It's Terry, Ev Kestler's sister. She's calling me about some giant spiders she saw in her bedroom. If you ask me, I think she's picked up a few tips on self medication from her sister. [He realizes that TERRY can hear every word he's been saying. He quickly gets back on the line.] SHERIFF: Uhh, hi, Terry. Sorry about that. Now tell me again what you saw. Uh huh. Uh huh. And they came right at you? Well, of course I believe you. Why would you make something like that up? Oh, now there's a really big one? What's it doing? [starts taking notes] Uh huh. Creeping... Yes. Crawling... What was that again? I couldn't hear with all the noise. Oh, I see. Crushing... Oh, it's crushing _your_ house. Well, you should have said-- Hello? Hello? Well, what do you know? She hung up on me. [He hangs up. The moment he does, the phone rings again.] SHERIFF: What is this? A full moon. [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hello, Dr. Langer. Is Dr. Vance with you? [From the phone we hear LANGER's ear-piercing screech. The SHERIFF has to hold the phone away from his ear.] SHERIFF: Geez, doctor. You didn't have to scream right in my ear. Oh, I see. You were being attacked by a giant spider. Right. Has everyone in this town gone crazy? All of a sudden everybody's seeing giant spiders. Well, as a matter of fact, I am a little incredulous. No, I'm not saying they're not giant spiders. They might very well be giant spiders. But they also might be a bunch of kids driving around in a Volkswagen made up to look like a giant spider. They're probably just out looking for ludes. You know how college kids are. Well, I beg to differ, doctor-- [There is another screech, which is quickly cut off.] SHERIFF: Dr. Langer, if you keep doing that in my ear you're going to cause permanent hearing loss. Dr. Langer? Dr. Langer? Huh. Another hang-up. [He hangs up the phone. Again, it rings almost immediately. The SHERIFF folds his arms.] SHERIFF: You know, this time I think I'm just going to let it ring. [It rings several times. By the sixth or seventh ring, the SHERIFF can take it no more.] SHERIFF: Oh, damn my weak will. [answers phone] Sheriff's office. Oh, hello. [hand on receiver] It's my deputy. [hand off receiver] What's that? I can't hear you over the crowd noise. Oh, you say there's a mob out there ready to do battle with the interdimensional spider. Well, I say let 'em. If the dumb hicks want to kill themselves-- What, you say they're being led by Dutch? Well, don't just stand there, stop them! I'll be right over. [He hangs up and immediately rises.] SHERIFF: Sorry, folks. Gotta run. I have to go make sure nothing happens to Dutch. I don't know what I'll do if he dies and they have to shut down his bar. [He heads for the door but stops as he reaches it.] SHERIFF: Of course, if they do then Helga would be out of a job. Hmm... Decision, decisions. [He shakes his head and exits. The phone rings. Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [803] How to Irritate Mole People [804] Kiss Me Deadly Mantis [805] The Trouble With Things That Can't Die [806] The Grateful Undead Talk Back [811] clonus: the lowercase horror [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [819] Evasion of the Neptune Men [820] Pigs in Space Mutiny [821] Vodka with a Time Chaser [822] Eating Raul or: Overfed at the Memory Banquet [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan COMING AT SOME UNSPECIFIED POINT IN THE FUTURE: [807] Mystery from the Year 3000 [808] She Features She Creatures Down by the Seashore [809] I Was a Teenage Marketing Ploy [812] The Incredibly Strange Creatures Stop to Conquer [813] Yet Another Movie Called Jack Frost You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm