===================================================================== I WAS A TEENAGE MARKETING PLOY OR: TEEN WOLF ZERO ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "I Was A Teenage Werewolf" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the laboratory/office of DR. ALFRED BRANDON. He is doing something or other when he hears a persistent scratching at the door. He puts the something or other down and goes to answer the door. The scratching intensifies.] BRANDON: I'm coming, I'm coming. [He opens the door and sees distinctive jacket-wearing TONY RIVERS, the twenty-something teen with a disturbed emotional background on the other side of it.] BRANDON: Ah, Tony. It is Tony Rivers, right? TONY: ...Yes. BRANDON: Good. I've been expecting you. Come on in, my boy. Take a seat. [TONY enters, somewhat warily. Just before he sits on the funky- looking couch, he turns around three times, a nervous habit. DR. BRANDON tries to pretend he didn't see this as he takes his own seat and picks up a clipboard and pen.] BRANDON: My name is Dr. Alfred Brandon. I'm here to help you. I understand you've been having some...problems. TONY: Who told you that? I ain't flip or nothin'. BRANDON: Tony, there's no need to get defensive. I just need to know the whole situation. Now, you've been exhibiting signs of aggression lately, is that right? TONY: What's it to you, headshrinker? BRANDON: [sternly] Tony. TONY: Sorry. BRANDON: This is fascinating. I've never seen anybody with such a short fuse before. TONY: Well, I burn easy. People bug me. BRANDON: Can you give me some examples? TONY: Well, there was this one time at the supermarket... [The lights dim and then almost immediately rise on a checkout line in a supermarket. TONY is in front of the line with a carton of milk and a loaf of bread. The CHECKER rings up his total.] CHECKER: Will that be all? TONY: [morose] Yeah. CHECKER: That'll be 40 cents. [Before he can put the groceries in a bag, TONY reacts.] TONY: What? That's impossible! [The CHECKER turns to check the total.] CHECKER: Oh, you're right, sir. I don't know how I made that mistake. [Suddenly, TONY grabs the milk carton out of his hands.] TONY: I do, you lousy embezzler. [He throws the milk carton at the CHECKER, who ducks in time.] CHECKER: Why, you little punk! [The CHECKER -- who, incidentally, is much bigger than TONY -- launches himself at the reactionary teen. They scuffle for a bit until the CHECKER has TONY pinned down on the floor.] CHECKER: Okay, milk tosser. You had enough? TONY: How do you spell it? [TONY tries, but cannot break out of the CHECKER's grasp.] CHECKER: How do I spell it? What the heck is that supposed to mean? You really gotta work on your comebacks, kid. [Just then, DETECTIVE SERGEANT DONOVAN arrives on the scene.] DONOVAN: What's all the racket here? Oh, Tony... [Everybody freezes as the lights fade to black. Then we go back to DR. BRANDON's office. TONY is back on the couch, breathing heavy. As BRANDON busily takes notes, we hear his voice over the speakers.] BRANDON (V.O.): Fascinating stuff. Oh, wait. I could be telling him this. [BRANDON clears his throat.] BRANDON: This is fascinating, Tony. Please continue. TONY: Well, that's it. I threw the milk and we got into a fight. Do I have to draw you a diagram? BRANDON: No, I mean continue with the next example. TONY: Oh, right. Well, there was this one time at school... [The lights dim again and rise on a school hallway. Two generic '50s teens are chatting by their lockers. They are STEVE HARMON, the druggist's son, and WILLY BLAKE.] STEVE: Gee, I wonder if Arlene Logan likes me. WILLY: Dream on. She's going steady with that Tony Rivers. You gotta watch out for him. STEVE: Oh, I'm not afraid of some jerk. WILLY: Look out. Here he comes now. [TONY enters. As he passes the TEENS, one of them pipes up.] STEVE: Hey, Tony. What big ears you have. TONY: [instantly turning on him] What did you say? STEVE: [sheepishly] Nothing. TONY: No, what did you say about my ears? [WILLY whistles and tries to pretend he's not with STEVE.] STEVE: Uhh, they're...big? [TONY attacks STEVE. As WILLY tries to pull him off, DETECTIVE DONOVAN arrives on the scene again.] DONOVAN: Tony, Tony, Tony! [Everybody freezes again.] DONOVAN: What am I going to do with you? [The lights dim. Back in DR. BRANDON's office, TONY is very clearly winded from having worked himself into a frenzy in both of his flashbacks. As BRANDON makes more notes, we hear his voice over the speakers again.] BRANDON (V.O.): Mental note -- do not mention subject's enormous ears. [BRANDON clears his throat and addresses TONY directly.] BRANDON: I see. And these sorts of incidents happen fairly regularly? TONY: Well, yeah. Why else would I be here? BRANDON: Good point, Tony. A very good point indeed. Now, I think the best solution to this problem of yours would be for me to hypnotize you, regress you back to a past life in which you were a werewolf, and let you run free, working off your aggressions by taking part in a random spate of violence. TONY: All right. Sounds good to me. BRANDON: I thought it might. Let's get started. Sit up. [TONY does so as BRANDON pulls a dog bone on a string out of his pocket and starts swinging it back and forth.] BRANDON: That's a good boy. Now, Tony, I want you to relax. And I promise you, you'll only feel a scratch... [As he pulls out a needle, the lights slowly fade to black.] [Lights fade up on a wooded area. It is night, but it is a very brightly-lit night. FRANK, another twenty-something teen, enters whistling something jaunty.] FRANK: Ahh, I'm so glad I chose not to get a ride home from the Haunted House from any of the couples who were pairing up after the party after the football game and instead decided to walk home alone through this secluded wooded area that comes out by the power works. Except... [He hears a loud rustle off stage.] FRANK: Hello? Who's there? [He starts to run, but instantly falls on his ass.] FRANK: WHO'S THERE??? [Before he can get up, TONY -- in full wolf man mode -- leaps onstage.] TONY: Frank, you are so dead. I heard the way you said goodbye to Arlene. [As TONY advances on him, FRANK pathetically backs away.] FRANK: No, no! Get away! Get away! [As TONY leaps upon him, FRANK screams like a woman. Blackout.] [While the scene is being changed, a spotlight picks out DETECTIVE DONOVAN and CHIEF PAT BAKER looking at some photographs.] BAKER: Well, what do you make of it? DONOVAN: Frankly, I'm baffled. But I'm positive this has nothing to do with the emotionally unstable kid I sent to that whacko psychologist out on the air force base for hypnotherapy. BAKER: That's a relief. [Blackout. In the darkness, a school bell rings. When the lights fade up again, we are in a high school gymnasium. THERESA is alone, hanging from the parallel bars, doing some strange stretching exercises.] THERESA: Gee, I'm so glad I decided I decided to stay here by myself for another half hour after Mrs. Johnson left to do some shopping. I don't need her breathing down my neck all the time and picking out all my mistakes. The way she wants me to do my best and achieve perfection is really distracting. [As she continues her exercises, TONY -- again in wolf man mode -- creeps up behind her. She feels his breath on the back of her neck.] THERESA: Now, Mrs. Johnson. I told you I didn't like-- [She turns and sees TONY just as he lunges at her. She screams like a woman. Blackout.] [Lights up on the woods again. It is night, but again they are extremely well lit. DETECTIVE DONOVAN and CHIEF BAKER -- along with some random men -- enter with torches. They are unlit.] BAKER: Well, Donovan, looks like you were wrong about that kid and the psychologist. DONOVAN: Yeah, I know. I feel like such a moron. BAKER: Okay, men. It's time to light your torches. MIKE: Well, it's about time. I can hardly see a thing in this light. BAKER: [squinting into the bright stage lights] I know what you mean. DONOVAN: We'd better light them offstage because of the fire hazard. BAKER: Good idea, Donovan. All right, men. Move out! [They all file off. After a few seconds, a dog enters. It walks around aimlessly for a bit. Finally we hear its voice over.] DOG (V.O.): Wow, I'm so happy my owner let me out so I could run free in these woods this late at night. Say, what's that I smell? Torches? I guess there must be a posse looking for someone... or something. [TONY laboriously makes his way through the underbrush which make up the background and confronts the dog.] TONY: Grr! DOG (V.O.): Oh, poopie. [TONY pounces on the DOG, which screams like a woman. During their fight, they roll offstage. When the roll back on, TONY is fighting an extremely obvious stuffed dog. When it finally stops screaming, TONY gets up and runs off. After a few seconds, DETECTIVE DONOVAN runs back onstage. He has to quickly look away.] DONOVAN: Oh, God! That's almost like cannibalism! [Blackout. Then we are back in DR. BRANDON's office, where TONY is lying on the couch again. He is back to normal, if you can consider being a homicidal werewolf normal. Anyway, DR. BRANDON is preparing to inject him again.] BRANDON: Ahh, Tony, my boy. I knew you'd come back. I'm the only link you have left. I'm your last hope. TONY: Ahh, don't kid yourself. I'm just here to finish this damn play where it began. BRANDON: Fine, then let's do it. [As BRANDON injects the serum, DR. HUGO WAGNER wanders in from the back room carrying a camera on a tripod.] HUGO: Hey, where do you want me to set up? Over here good? [BRANDON and TONY watch as he places the camera and pulls out a light meter.] HUGO: Oh, no. This will never do. Excuse me while I go get some more light. [He exits again. TONY looks at DR. BRANDON, confused.] TONY: Say, who was the bald man? I've never seen him before. BRANDON: Bald man? I thought it was an old woman. Now, where were we? TONY: I don't know. Did you inject the serum yet? BRANDON: Yes. TONY: Okay, then I'm going to turn into a werewolf and kill you while you scream like a woman. BRANDON: Okey dokey. [They both wait for a few seconds while nothing happens. Suddenly TONY points to something behind DR. BRANDON.] TONY: Hey, what's that? BRANDON: What? [As DR. BRANDON turns to look, TONY quickly pulls on his werewolf mask and gloves.] BRANDON: There's nothing there. You-- [He turns back to see TONY.] BRANDON: No, Tony, don't! Tony, don't! [TONY leaps out of the couch and mauls him. DR. BRANDON screams like a woman. As TONY finishes the job, DETECTIVE DONOVAN bursts in with DETECTIVE CHRIS STANLEY, a uniformed policeman. They both have their guns out and pointed at TONY.] DONOVAN: All right, Tony. I know it's you. Now, freeze! [TONY freezes. DONOVAN and CHRIS wait a second and then shoot him repeatedly. In his death throes, TONY manages to remove the mask and gloves and dies flinging them away from his body. DONOVAN and CHRIS remain in the doorway. DONOVAN takes a few tentative steps into the laboratory, followed by CHRIS.] DONOVAN: He froze, didn't he? CHRIS: Yes, sir. He did. DONOVAN: Okay, if anyone asks, there was no other way out and there was nothing we could do. CHRIS: That works for me. [They holster their guns and exit. On their way out...] DONOVAN: Oh, yeah. And I also said something pithy about man not interfering in the ways of God. CHRIS: If you insist. [They are gone. After a second, HUGO wanders back in with a light on a pole, which he plugs into the wall. He then takes out his light meter and smiles, pleased.] HUGO: There, that's much better. Okay, I'm ready for you now-- [He turns and sees the dead bodies of DR. BRANDON and TONY lying on the floor. He screams like a woman. Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [803] How to Irritate Mole People [804] Kiss Me Deadly Mantis [805] The Trouble With Things That Can't Die [806] The Grateful Undead Talk Back [807] Slight Upset from the Year 5000 [810] They Might Be Giant Spiders [811] clonus: the lowercase horror [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [819] Evasion of the Neptune Men [820] Pigs in Space Mutiny [821] Vodka with a Time Chaser [822] Eating Raul or: Overfed at the Memory Banquet [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan COMING WHEN I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE GETTING AROUND TO THEM: [808] She Features She Creatures Down by the Seashore [812] The Incredibly Strange Creatures Stop to Conquer [813] Yet Another Movie Called Jack Frost You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm