===================================================================== KISS ME DEADLY MANTIS ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Deadly Mantis" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the living room of a typical '50s suburban home. There is a sofa at center stage and a table with a phone on it. At stage left is the front door, with a window upstage of it. At stage right there is a partition and a small kitchen set, which is represented by a sink with a window over it. Only the living room is lit at the start of the play, though. The phone starts to ring. You can tell it's the '50s because it continues to ring for an extended period of time without interruption. After about a minute, MARGE PARKMAN (nee BLAINE) -- hardworking reporter/photographer -- arrives at the front door. She is carrying a copy of the latest museum magazine and some camera equipment. She sets the magazine down on the table and the camera equipment on the floor and answers the phone. MARGE: Hello? Oh, hi, Dick. My, we haven't talked since I left the museum twenty minutes ago. What, have things fallen apart already? You're kidding. Where? Wow, that's just up the road from me. [looks up at clock] Oh, gosh. I wish I could do it, Dick, but I have to get Joe's dinner ready. Yes, I know, and I'm sorry. Look, I need to get off the phone. He really hates to be kept waiting. Maybe the next time the perfectly preserved skeleton of a pterodactyl is discovered I'll be able to cover it for you. Bye. [She hangs up and instantly sets about hiding her camera equipment under the sofa. Then she exits into the kitchen. After a beat, AIR FORCE COLONEL JOE PARKMAN enters, dressed in his uniform. As he hangs up his jacket...] JOE: Honey, I'm home! [MARGE re-enters, wearing an apron. She goes to him and they share an antiseptic '50s kiss.] MARGE: Hello, dear. How was work? JOE: It was fine. Had to deal with some giant boll weevils terrorizing nearby farmlands. So, what's for dinner? MARGE: Umm...I haven't started it yet. What would you like? [JOE breaks their embrace and pushes MARGE away.] JOE: [darkly] I would like my dinner to be ready when I come home. MARGE: Yes. Yes, I know, but I couldn't decide what to make. And you're so much better at making decisions than I am. JOE: [instantly brighter] Say, that's right. I am. MARGE: So, what do you want? [JOE goes to the table by the sofa, where he picks up the magazine.] JOE: How about meatloaf? We haven't had meatloaf in a long time. MARGE: Well, we did just have it last week-- [She notices the glare JOE is giving her.] MARGE: Meatloaf it is. Shall I get to it? JOE: Please do. [She exits. JOE shakes his head. Scene changes to kitchen. MARGE is unhappily mixing the ingredients together to make a meatloaf.] MARGE: Oh, why oh why did I marry Joe? I know he makes a lot of money working for the government, but he's such a creep. VOICE: I agree. [Startled, MARGE looks up as the face of DR. NEDRICK JACKSON, noted paleontologist, appears in her window.] MARGE: Ned! NED: I love you, Marge. I always have. But you chose that smug military bastard over me and I had to respect that. But now you're unhappy, and I'm here to take you away from all of this. But that's not all! I'll also let you work and even be proud of your achievements, content in the knowledge that they will never really outshine mine. What do you say? MARGE: Oh, Ned. I'd love to go with you. And I'm sure you would make me very happy, but what about Joe? NED: Oh, don't worry about Joe. I'll take care of him. [He disappears. MARGE looks perplexed, but goes back to mixing her ingredients. Scene changes back to the living room. JOE is on the sofa, reading the magazine. An item catches his attention.] JOE: Say, Marge, what's this? MARGE: [from kitchen] What's what? JOE: This article in the museum magazine. Is that your byline? [MARGE enters, her hands covered in meatloaf gunk.] MARGE: I don't know. Is it? JOE: "Margery Parkman"? I'd say so. And this photo. MARGE: What about it, Joe? JOE: You're working for the museum again, aren't you? MARGE: No, of course not! JOE: [throwing paper down] What did I say about this "career" of yours, Marge? I said you could write up the giant mantis story, but once we were married you would have to give it up. MARGE: It's just freelance stuff. Honest. [JOE rises. MARGE instinctively backs up.] JOE: Freelance, huh? And how much of your time does that take up? MARGE: Not much. JOE: Not much? MARGE: Just a couple hours a week. JOE: Just a couple hours? [JOE does a slow burn and then walks over to the window next to the front door.] JOE: Come here. [MARGE doesn't move. In the background, we hear a faint droning sound.] JOE: I said come here. [Nervously swallowing, MARGE starts to walk toward JOE, who is running his finger along the windowsill. The droning, meanwhile, gets louder.] JOE: If this "freelancing" only takes up a couple hours of your week, then how do you explain why this windowsill is so dusty? MARGE: Joe, I-- [Suddenly, there is a crash and the foreleg of a giant praying mantis comes through the window, striking JOE and knocking him down. MARGE screams, horrified, and faints as the leg proceeds to bludgeon JOE to death with its spur. Once it is done, the mantis leg retracts itself and, seconds later, NED comes bursting in the front door.] NED: Marge! Marge, my love! [He rushes to her and props her up.] NED: Marge, wake up! Marge, it's me! [MARGE slowly comes to.] MARGE: Ned? Oh, Ned! A giant praying mantis just killed Joe! It was horrible! NED: No, it's wonderful! [He helps her up. MARGE takes a step away from him.] MARGE: How can you say that? This means there is another giant mantis running loose. NED: No, there isn't. That was just the leg of the one we trapped and killed in the Manhattan Tunnel. A group of friends helped me manipulate it using a sophisticated system of pulleys and wires. Excuse me for a moment. [He goes to the door and opens it.] NED: Thanks a lot, you guys! [He gives them a wave and then closes the door. MARGE, meanwhile, is in a state of shock.] NED: Hey, Marge! Marge! [He snaps his fingers until she snaps out of it.] MARGE: Sorry, this is all just happening so fast. NED: Don't worry about it. You need some time to adjust. Besides, we'll have to wait a decent period of time after Joe's funeral before we can get married. MARGE: Of course. NED: But in the meantime... [picks up the phone] Isn't there an obituary you'd like to call in? [MARGE takes the phone from him and starts to dial. Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [803] How to Irritate Mole People [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm