===================================================================== HOW TO IRRITATE MOLE PEOPLE ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Mole People" ===================================================================== [The curtain is down. The houselights stay on as two MOLEMEN make their way through the audience and sit in the front row next to the aisle. Their names are, naturally, JERRY and SYLVIA. SYLVIA is carrying a tub of popcorn.] JERRY: Say, have you ever seen one of these things before? SYLVIA: No, I haven't. What are they like? JERRY: Well, they're usually short and quite funny, but you have to know the film that's being parodied or else you won't get all the jokes. SYLVIA: I see. And which film is this one based on? JERRY: Hmm, I don't know. [JERRY pulls out his program. As he's scanning it, an USHER carrying a flashlight comes down the aisle and goes right up to them.] USHER: May I see your tickets, please? JERRY: [looking up] Hmm? [The USHER shines his flashlight in JERRY's face.] USHER: Tickets! [JERRY screams and flails his arms about, losing his program in the process. The USHER shines the light in SYLVIA's face and she does the same, spilling her popcorn all over the place.] JERRY: Stop that! Stop it! Don't you know how annoying that is? USHER: Yes, I do, sir. [turns flashlight off] Now are you going to show me your tickets or would you prefer to be in the spotlight? [He motions to a SPOTLIGHT OPERATOR in the back of the theater who is waiting for his signal.] JERRY: No! No! Here they are, damn you. [JERRY shows the USHER their tickets.] USHER: Thank you. Enjoy the show. [He leaves. JERRY and SYLVIA, both peeved, sit back and try their best to relax as the houselights go down and a spotlight picks out JOHN CLEESE, who has entered from the side and is standing in front of the curtain. There is applause, which he acknowledges.] JOHN: Good evening, and welcome to "How to Irritate Mole People." Now, you may be asking yourself, just how many ways are there to irritate mole people? Well, we've just seen one way that's sure to rattle them -- shine a flashlight in their eyes. But have you ever thought of trying this? [The spotlight goes out on him as he exits and the curtain parts to reveal two rows of seats as in a movie theater. Two MOLEMEN (not JERRY and SYLVIA) are sitting in the front row.] MOLEMAN #1: How much longer until the movie starts? MOLEMAN #2: A couple minutes. You want to get some popcorn? MOLEMAN #1: No. Movie food is always so expensive. MOLEMAN #2: Suit yourself. I'll be right back. [MOLEMAN #2 gets up and exits. After a second, two EXTREMELY ELDERLY WOMEN enter and very slowly take the seats directly behind the MOLEMEN. When they talk, the WOMEN speak loudly enough for everybody in the theater to hear everything they say.] E.E. WOMAN #1: This is supposed to be a very good movie. E.E. WOMAN #2: Is it? Did you read a review? E.E. WOMAN #1: No, it just has an interesting looking poster. E.E. WOMAN #2: Oh. [A beat and MOLEMAN #2 re-enters with a tub of popcorn. He sits down right in front of E.E. WOMAN #2, who instantly reacts.] E.E. WOMAN #2: Oh, no! E.E. WOMAN #1: What is it? E.E. WOMAN #2: Why does this always happen to me? E.E. WOMAN #1: Will you be able to see? E.E. WOMAN #2: I don't know. Oh, why do tall people always choose to sit right in front of me? [MOLEMAN #1 leans over to MOLEMAN #2 and speaks in a stage whisper.] MOLEMAN #1: Do you think they honestly believe we can't hear them? They're right behind us. MOLEMAN #2: I believe that's the point. Come on. Let's move. MOLEMAN #1: No, we were here first. If she wants to see, _they_ can move, damn it. [They wait for a second in silence.] E.E. WOMAN #1: Do you want to ask him to move? E.E. WOMAN #2: Oh, no! I wouldn't want to do that. You're just going to have to tell me everything that happens onscreen because I'll only be able to hear it. [The MOLEMEN exchange a glance and then in unison rise and move to another pair of seats off stage. The two WOMEN, victorious, have a mini celebration. After a second, JOHN CLEESE enters carrying a large soda and takes the seat in front of E.E. WOMAN #2. Almost immediately...] E.E. WOMAN #2: Oh, no! [JOHN turns to look at her and they all freeze. Curtain. After a second, JOHN walks through it and the spotlight picks him out again.] JOHN: Did you know that it is almost as easy to irritate a moleman as it is to irritate a human being, maybe even more so. Take these two specimens in the front row, for instance. [The houselights come up slightly and JERRY and SYLVIA are alarmed to find that they are the focus of everyone's attention.] JOHN: Now, sirs...or madams. It's quite hard to tell actually. What exactly are you two? JERRY: I'm a sir and she's a madam. JOHN: I see. Do you have names? JERRY: I'm Jerry. SYLVIA: And I'm Sylvia. JOHN: Now what sort of things irritate you, Jerry and Sylvia? JERRY: Mmm, flashlights. SYLVIA: Well, any bright lights actually. [JOHN pulls out a small notebook and starts scribbling in it.] JOHN: Uh huh. What else? JERRY: Uhh, being enslaved and forced to work by albino gits. JOHN: Albino gits. Right. SYLVIA: I especially hate it when I get whipped unnecessarily. JOHN: Unnecessary whippings. Got it. Anything else? JERRY: No, that pretty much covers it. JOHN: Okay. Well, you're in luck, Jerry and Sylvia, because tonight -- just for you -- we are going to present albino gits using whips to force enslaved mole people to work. Take it away! [JOHN exits and the curtain parts to reveal a hole in the ground with the two MOLEMEN from the movie theater working in it. A SUMERIAN GUARD stands over them, whipping them unnecessarily.] GUARD: Come on, you loathesome beasts of the dark, work! Till that earth! Work! Work! [He continues to whip them, shouting "Work!" the whole time. In the front row, SYLVIA turns to JERRY.] SYLVIA: Well, it's not that irritating. JERRY: It will be if it goes on much longer. [As they're watching, the houselights come up slightly as the USHER guides the two EXTREMELY OLD WOMEN down the aisle. Checking their tickets with his flashlight, the USHER stops at the second row and indicates that their seats are the ones behind JERRY and SYLVIA. As the E.E. WOMEN start the arduous task of taking their seats, the USHER shines his flashlight in JERRY and SYLVIA's eyes momentarily.] JERRY: Damn it! SYLVIA: Asshole! [The USHER laughs as he goes back up the aisle. JERRY and SYLVIA settle down and watch the stage as a second SUMERIAN GUARD enters and tosses a single mushroom to the two MOLEMEN. The first GUARD whips them until they are compelled to fight over it.] JERRY: Well, I'll give them one thing. At least they don't have John Agar providing running narration. SYLVIA: Shh! Don't give them any ideas! [Meanwhile, the two EXTREMELY OLD WOMEN have finally taken their seats and, almost immediately...] E.E. WOMAN #2: Oh, no! [JERRY and SYLVIA look back at them. Everyone freezes. Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [802] Boy, Am I Gland to See You [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [818] Touched by a Devil Doll [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm