===================================================================== BOY, AM I GLAND TO SEE YOU ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Leech Woman" ===================================================================== [Lights up on a talk show set. There are two chairs slightly facing each other to stage left, a kitchen-type area to stage right, and an exit at upstage center with a curtain in front of it. There is also a table at downstage center with several items on it (more on them anon). A large sign across the top of the stage reads "SUPER FANTASTIC AMAZING NEW THINGS." Theme music plays and there is big applause as ADRIAN, the slightly manic host of the show, walks out onstage. He speaks with an affected British accent.] ADRIAN: Hello, and welcome once again to "Super Fantastic Amazing New Things" on the I Want To Sell You Something Channel! I'm Adrian, and today I have something new and amazing that I want to sell you! [Huge applause.] ADRIAN: Now, there are many products out there that claim to turn back the clock. In fact, you probably saw many of them for the first time on this very program! [He walks over to the table and picks up a flimsy-looking mask on a stick -- which looks remarkably like the one used in "Puma Man," now that I come to think about it.] ADRIAN: Remember the super fantastic mask that you put your face in to vibrate the wrinkles away? Well, throw it away! [ADRIAN tosses it over his shoulder. It crumples instantly as it hits the upstage wall. A STAGEHAND quickly runs on and retrieves it. ADRIAN, ignoring this, gestures to a number of jars of cream and tubes of lotion on the table.] ADRIAN: And you know all of the wrinkle creams and lotions that you rub all over your body in order to remove the tell-tale signs of aging? Well, toss them, too! [With a wave of his hand, ADRIAN knocks all of the the creams and lotions to the floor. A SECOND STAGEHAND quickly runs on to clean up the mess and strike the table. ADRIAN, meanwhile, wanders over to the chairs at stage left.] ADRIAN: Now, I know what you're thinking: Why should I do that? I spent a lot of money on that stuff. Well, the answer is simple: They don't work! [Gasps of astonishment from the audience.] ADRIAN: Oh, sure. They may smooth out a wrinkle or two, but do they actually turn back time and make you younger? Of course not! But now there's a product that does. It's super-amazing and wonderful-fantastic, but before I tell you what it is, let's meet the woman behind it, Mrs. June Talbot! [Applause as JUNE TALBOT -- looking youthful and radiant -- enters, soaking up the applause. ADRIAN motions to the chairs and they sit.] ADRIAN: Welcome to the program. JUNE: Thank you so much for having me, Adrian. ADRIAN: It's my pleasure, Mrs. Talbot. JUNE: Miss, please. ADRIAN: I'm sorry, I thought you were married. JUNE: I was once. He's dead now, so I prefer Miss Talbot... But you can call me June. [She winks seductively at him. ADRIAN completely misses this.] ADRIAN: Okay, June. Why don't you tell us all about your splendiferous new product? JUNE: Certainly. As we all know, in this culture women must be young to be considered attractive, right? ADRIAN: Right. Old women always give me the creeps! JUNE: Yes. Now, do you consider me attractive? ADRIAN: Umm... JUNE: Of course you do. Now, how old do you think I am? ADRIAN: Oh, Miss Talbot. JUNE: June. ADRIAN: I couldn't. JUNE: Come on. Have a guess. ADRIAN: Okay. I'll say...34. JUNE: Wrong. ADRIAN: 32? JUNE: Nope. ADRIAN: 30? JUNE: You're getting colder. ADRIAN: You can't be in your twenties. JUNE: That's because I'm not. I'm... [JUNE leans over and whispers in his ear.] ADRIAN: Oh, my! Well, I'll be sure never to mention that in mixed company! JUNE: [between clenched teeth] You'd better not. [out to audience] Now, don't you all want to know what my secret is? ADRIAN: Of course they do! [JUNE pulls out a small vial containing orchid pollen.] JUNE: It's this secret powder. ADRIAN: [reaching for vial] Ooh, what is it? JUNE: [pulling it back] If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret, now would it? ADRIAN: So, how do you use this powder? JUNE: I'll show you. Or rather, my friend Malla will. Let's bring her out here. [Applause. OLD MALLA -- looking very, very old -- hobbles on. As she makes her way over to them, ADRIAN leans over to JUNE.] ADRIAN: Actually, that's my line. JUNE: Oh, hush. [JUNE rises as OLD MALLA reaches her. ADRIAN follows suit.] JUNE: Hello, Malla. How are you feeling today? OLD MALLA: Old, dear. Very, very old. ADRIAN: Now Malla looks like someone who could use your rejuvenation formula! JUNE: That she does, Adrian. And all she needs is this powder and a fresh pineal gland. ADRIAN: A pineal gland? Now where is she supposed to get something like that? [OLD MALLA pulls a pineal gland out of her purse.] OLD MALLA: Oh, I have one right here. ADRIAN: All right, then. Do your magic! [JUNE takes out a tiny cup and sprinkles some of the pollen into it. She hands it to OLD MALLA, who pours the juice from the pineal gland into it and drinks. JUNE then leads her to the curtain at upstage center and comes back to ADRIAN.] JUNE: This will just take a moment. Now, while Malla is becoming a whole new woman, I want to tell you a little about myself. ADRIAN: Actually, you don't have to-- [JUNE pushes ADRIAN back into his chair.] JUNE: You see, I used to be an aging, sloppy, violent alcoholic. But that was before I went on an expedition with my husband to find the Nandos, a tribe deep in the jungles of Africa. And do you know who we met there? ADRIAN: No, who? JUNE: Oh, Malla! [The curtain parts and YOUNG MALLA steps out, looking nubile and radiant. There is tremendous applause.] ADRIAN: That's amazing! JUNE: And it's no camera trick either. This is the same Malla who just went behind that curtain thirty seconds ago. YOUNG MALLA: [stepping forward] Erase decades in seconds, thanks to the wonders of June & Malla's secret powder and the glorious pineal gland! ADRIAN: Incredible! And where do you get these pineal glands? YOUNG MALLA: Why, they're found deep within the cerebellum of any vertebrate. ADRIAN: You mean like cats and dogs and pigs and things? JUNE: Yes, but those of human males are the tastiest. YOUNG MALLA: And the most potent. ADRIAN: Stupendous! Now, will just any pineal gland do? For instance, could you use a pineal gland that's been lying around for a couple of days? YOUNG MALLA: Oh, no. That would never do. Pineal juice loses its potency very quickly. ADRIAN: I see. So it has to be fresh. But that's no problem because everybody in the world has a pineal gland, right? JUNE: That's right. ADRIAN: Even me? JUNE: Even you. ADRIAN: Gosh, I'd like to see that. JUNE: Well, that can be arranged. Malla? [YOUNG MALLA steps forward to address the audience while JUNE leads ADRIAN over to the kitchen-type area and has him lie face down on the counter.] YOUNG MALLA: While they're getting ready back there, let's hear what other women have said about June & Malla's rejuvenation formula. [Lights go down on them and a spotlight picks up a YOUNG HOLLYWOOD STARLET.] STARLET: I thought my Hollywood career was over! I was almost 26 and still hadn't gotten my big break. But then I used June & Malla's rejuvenation formula and now I look like a 19-year-old again. Thanks June and Malla! [The spotlight goes out on her and picks up a YOUNG HOUSEWIFE.] HOUSEWIFE: I thought my life was over. The kids had all flown the coop, leaving me with severe empty nest syndrome. And my husband was finding me less and less attractive, and even started having affairs. But then I drank the juice of his pineal gland and it's like I get to start my life over. Thanks, June and Malla! [The spotlight goes out on her and lights go back up on YOUNG MALLA on the talk show set. In the background, JUNE has cut off ADRIAN's head and is busy extracting his still-pulsing pineal gland.] YOUNG MALLA: And those are just two of the thousands of women who have already made drinking the pineal juice of men part of their daily routine. June? JUNE: [still struggling with the gland] Thanks, Malla. Now in the past Malla and I used to recommend lancing the pineal gland with a spiked ring. But now we advocate the wholesale removal of the gland from your victim's body so that not a drop of its precious juice is wasted. There. [She finally wrenches it free and pours the juice into a small glass container which she then seals.] YOUNG MALLA: Think about it, ladies. When a man grows old, the silver in his hair brings him prestige and honor. But for a woman, there is nothing... [JUNE steps forward to join YOUNG MALLA.] JUNE: ...Unless you use the June & Malla's pineal gland rejuvenation formula! [She pops the gland into her mouth and chews on it. Meanwhile, two STAGEHANDS quickly rush on to strike ADRIAN's body.] JUNE: Mmm, delicious. YOUNG MALLA: But it doesn't work if you don't have June & Malla's secret powder, available now for only $50 an ounce. And aren't you worth it, ladies? [Tremendous applause.] YOUNG MALLA: Well, that's about all the time we have for today's program... [She looks over as ADRIAN's headless body is dragged off the set.] YOUNG MALLA: In fact, that's probably all for this program in general. JUNE: But watch for us later on this week on "The View," "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee," and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." YOUNG MALLA: And, if your husband ever teases you about crow's feet or any other signs that you're getting older, remember: JUNE & YOUNG MALLA: Don't get mad -- get gland! [Applause. Music comes up as lights fade to black.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [801] Return of the Creature [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm