===================================================================== RETURN OF THE CREATURE ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Revenge of the Creature" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the interior of a video store. It is an independently- owned store, not one of the big chains, so they actually have obscure titles and old films. The CLERK -- who is no more than 20 -- is watching the end of "The Creature Walks Among Us" on a small monitor on the counter in front of him. A CLUELESS MIDDLE-AGED CUSTOMER approaches the counter with a video box in his hand.] CUSTOMER: Excuse me, but-- CLERK: Shh, shh. I'm just watching the end of this. [The CUSTOMER waits impatiently as the music swells and the movie ends. The CLERK then ejects the tape and pops it into the rewinder.] CLERK: Ahh, they don't make 'em like that anymore... Thank God. Now, what can I do for you, sir? CUSTOMER: Well, I've looked everywhere but I can't seem to find "Scream 3" on the new release wall. CLERK: Mm hmm. Well, that's because that particular title has yet to be released on video. CUSTOMER: But it was just in theaters a couple months ago. CLERK: Exactly. [There is a short pause while the CUSTOMER regroups.] CUSTOMER: [flustered] But, but it's one of those teen slasher flicks, right? Like "The Blair Witch Project," and that was out on video really quickly. CLERK: Yes, but "The Blair Witch Project" was the hot new thing with an extremely short shelf life. "Scream 3" on the other hand is just the third part of a tired horror trilogy. And I'll have Kevin Williamson know, he did not invent the concept of the "horror trilogy." This film -- [pops the tape out of the rewinder and flashes it at the CUSTOMER] -- is proof of that. [He pops the tape back in and finishes rewinding it.] CLERK: Now, if you're willing to rent a movie which is actually on our shelves, I believe I can help you. CUSTOMER: Not with that attitude, you won't. [The CUSTOMER forcefully slams the video box on the counter and storms out of the store.] CLERK: Come back any time! [He picks up the box to see what it was.] CLERK: Hmm, "Clerks." Odd choice. [He starts come out from behind the counter to put it back on the shelf when the door opens and in walks the dour-looking DR. LEOPOLD from "The Blood Waters of Dr. Z" (pre-fish transformation, that is). He is carrying a video tape case which looks remarkably like one of his strange plastic containers.] CLERK: Hey, Dr. Z! How's it going? DR. LEOPOLD: I told you, my name isn't Dr. Z. It's Dr. Leopold. CLERK: Whatever, Dr. Z. [The CLERK returns the box to the shelf and goes back behind the counter. Meanwhile, DR. LEOPOLD slowly shuffles over to the counter and puts the tape case on it. This is timed so that he does so at the moment the CLERK is back on the other side of it.] DR. LEOPOLD: I am returning this motion picture cassette. CLERK: [looks at it] "Revenge of the Creature"? But you just took this out last night. You can keep it until tomorrow if you like. DR. LEOPOLD: I would, but I watched it this morning while Mother was at work. That was the only time I _could_ watch it. You see, Mother likes to tape her soaps in the afternoon and then she watches them when she gets home. Then we eat dinner while she watches the news -- local and national. Then it's "Wheel" and "Jeopardy." Then she watches all the prime time shows. And I have some important work to do tomorrow, so there really wouldn't be time for me to-- CLERK: Okay, I get the picture. Did you at least like the movie? DR. LEOPOLD: Oh, yes. I liked it very much. The noble sea creature triumphing over man, getting the beautiful woman -- serving best the cold dish that is...revenge. [The CLERK takes a moment to try to disentangle this twisted aphorism, but decides instead to let it pass.] CLERK: Uh huh. But the creature was killed at the end of the movie. DR. LEOPOLD: True. But the same thing happened at the end of the first movie, and the creature managed to come back for this one, didn't he? CLERK: Yes, I guess so. DR. LEOPOLD: Think of it. He lived in hiding, waiting... Stalking his prey. And, at just the right moment... ATTACK! [He chuckles insanely to himself.] CLERK: Uhh, yeah. So, did you want to complete the trilogy? I just finished watching the third movie. It's pretty good. Not as good as the original, but the original's a classic. Nothing they made after it could even come close. Although "Walks Among Us" wins points for being marginally better than "Revenge." DR. LEOPOLD: Oh, but I thought "Revenge of the Creature" was a potent allegory for our time. Of course, don't you think it would have been better if the creature's revenge had been sweeter? Say, if he had been able to get revenge on all the rival scientists and grant-givers who laughed at him and called him insane? Wouldn't that be perfect? [The CLERK stares at him for a second.] CLERK: Uhh, yeah. Do you want "The Creature Walks Among Us" or not? DR. LEOPOLD: No, no. I think I've learned all I can from that beast. Do you have anything of a similar nature, though? I must know more before my...plans are set in motion. CLERK: Okay, walk with me over to the horror section and we'll see. [The CLERK comes out from behind the counter and leads the slavering DR. LEOPOLD over to the horror section. The CLERK picks up a box.] CLERK: Here's one. "The Horror of Party Beach." DR. LEOPOLD: Is it about sea creatures? Dangerous beasts of the ocean with powerful daggers, and camouflage? CLERK: No, it's a silly monster movie set at the beach. DR. LEOPOLD: Bah, then it is of no use to me. Ah, what's this? [He picks up a box and hands it to the CLERK.] CLERK: Ah, "Attack of the Giant Leeches." That one's a corker all right. You see, it's set in some backwater swamp where these giant leeches carry people off to their underground cavern-- DR. LEOPOLD: But how do the leeches come to be? Are they men who through the use of some chemical process become like leeches, or are they just really large leeches? CLERK: I think they're people dressed in trash bags. DR. LEOPOLD: Wha-? CLERK: Just really large leeches. DR. LEOPOLD: Ahh-- [Annoyed, he snatches the box away from the CLERK and puts it back on the shelf.] DR. LEOPOLD: There must be something here that I can learn from, study, imitate. [He sees a box that he recognizes.] DR. LEOPOLD: Ah, my friend, "Jaws." Cunning, swift... Wretched humans, they're afraid of you! I admire you. Soon, I'll swim with you! They'll be afraid! CLERK: Do you want that one? Because we also have the film letterboxed if you want to see the whole picture-- DR. LEOPOLD: No, no, that's all right. CLERK: So what do you want? A story about a human being that is turned into a sea creature? DR. LEOPOLD: Yes, that is exactly what I want. [DR. LEOPOLD picks up another box.] DR. LEOPOLD: Ooh, look at this one. "The Leech Woman." CLERK: No, that's not about a woman who turns into a leech. She just leeches the life force from other people. DR. LEOPOLD: Oh, that sounded like a good one. [Disappointed, he puts the box back down.] CLERK: I think the problem we're running into is that there aren't really any movies about a man being turned into a sea creature. It just seems like a ludicrous-- Wait. DR. LEOPOLD: What? CLERK: [picks up box] "Creature from the Haunted Sea." DR. LEOPOLD: I like the title. CLERK: I don't know if I should inflict this one on you, though. After all, it is a Roger Corman "comedy." DR. LEOPOLD: [reluctantly] I'll take your word for it. [They both scan the section. DR. LEOPOLD sees another one.] DR. LEOPOLD: "Attack of the Crab Monsters"? CLERK: Corman. [They continue to scan the section. The CLERK starts shaking his head.] CLERK: I don't know if we're going to be able to find anything. Maybe if we expanded our criteria to include land and air animals-- DR. LEOPOLD: No, they must come from the sea. [DR. LEOPOLD picks up a promising box.] DR. LEOPOLD: Like this. "Monster from the Ocean Floor." This Roger Corman you speak so disparagingly of didn't direct this one. CLERK: [taking the box from him] No, but he did produce it. Notice Jonathan Haze in the cast list. [Angry, Dr. LEOPOLD bats the box out of the CLERK's hand.] DR. LEOPOLD: Oh, this is getting me nowhere! We're not going to find anything! I guess I'm just going to have to be the first man to turn into a fish! And I'll use the formula they all laughed at -- Z sub A, A sub T... ZaAt! You'll see! You'll see! [He starts to leave.] DR. LEOPOLD: Oh, my friends of the deep! Tomorrow, I'll become one of YOU! My family! And together we'll conquer the universe! [He exits. The CLERK calls after him.] CLERK: See you later, Dr. Z! [DR. LEOPOLD sticks his head back in.] DR. LEOPOLD: For the last time it's Dr. Leopold! Don't be surprised if a large, walking catfish comes in here within the next couple days and knocks your head off! CLERK: Okay, I won't. [And DR. LEOPOLD leaves again. The CLERK shakes his head and slowly bends down to pick up the box. He replaces it on the shelf and goes behind the counter. There he removes "The Creature Walks Among Us" from the rewinder and returns it to the shelves behind the counter where all the tapes are kept. After a second, the GILL MAN enters, carrying a tape case. The CLERK looks up as he approaches the counter.] CLERK: Oh, hey, Mr. G. How did you like "The English Patient"? [Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAYS BY CRAIG J. CLARK ===================================================================== [814] Riding with Death on Long Island [815] Re-Animation Agent for H.A.R.M. [816/906] The Prince of Space Children [817] The Mild Apprehension of Party Beach [901] The Alan Parsons Projected Man [902] Phantom Planet, Schmanet or: The Next-to-the-Last of the Dogmen [903] Strong Enough for a Puma Man... [904] Where Wolf? There Wolf! [905] The Deadly B-Sides [907] Hobgoblins 2: The Grue Batch [908] Analyze What? or: The Bad Touch of Satan You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm