===================================================================== DIAL L FOR LASERBLAST (FEATURING THE MUSIC OF LASERBLAST BLACK MAMBAZO!) ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Laserblast" ===================================================================== [Lights up. Curtain rises. For the SECOND time in recent memory, this one-act play is set near a swimming pool. There actually is a real pool onstage. A chorus line of pale, pasty TEENAGERS in ugly 1970s swimming togs enter, singing to the tune of "Hooray for Hollywood" and doing lethargic Rockettes-style kicks.] TEENAGERS: Hooray for laserblast! That Billy sure can give a laserblast! He'll kill the cracker cops or Eddie Deezen Without a reason! Or anyone with a van! [BILLY, a scrawny teen with dirty-blonde hair, an open shirt, and green skin, enters. He has a fearsome-looking laser cannon attached to the end of his arm.] [He aims a beam of light at the chorus line. There is smoke, and we hear an explosion. Several of the teens fall into the pool. The rest scurry away, panicked.] BILLY: [angry and agitated] Now listen up! And listen good!! For once, this play ISN'T going to be a musical. I hate musicals! The songs suck! Now "Brain Salad Surgery" -- THAT'S music. So are we all in agreement that this play will not have any crappy singing and dancing in it? FEW REMAINING TEENAGERS: Yes, sir! BILLY: That's better. Now let's start over again. [to the crew] Dim the lights and lower the curtain. [Pause. Nothing happens. Billy points the laserblast cannon at the rafters.] BILLY: Do it! [Lights dim. Curtain falls.] BILLY'S VOICE: That's better. [Brief pause in the proceedings.] [When the curtain rises again, the backdrop now depicts a rural highway. There is a police car onstage, and two COPS are inside: THE FAT ONE who looks like Bubba from "Sanford & Son" and THE SKINNY ONE who looks like the lead singer from Jane's Addiction, Mike Farrell. No, wait, make that Perry Farrell. I guess they're supposed to be Laurel & Hardy meets Cheech & Chong, but they're not even as funny as the Hudson Brothers. They pass a joint between them. The Skinny One is in possession of it as the scene begins.] THE SKINNY ONE: [inhaling] You know what I think is funny? THE FAT ONE: What? THE SKINNY ONE: Everything! [They laugh. The Skinny One passes the joint to The Fat One.] THE FAT ONE: [inhaling] You know which minority groups I hate? THE SKINNY ONE: Which one ? THE FAT ONE: All of 'em! [They laugh. A message comes in over the police radio.] RADIO: Officer Fat One! Officer Skinny One! There is a robbery in progress at the corner of 9th and Main. Proceed immediately! [Pause. Then they laugh again.] THE SKINNY ONE: That's a good one. THE FAT ONE: "Proceed immediately." Who do I look like, Jim Friday? [imitating Jack Webb, badly] "Just the news, ma'am." THE SKINNY ONE: That's good, man. You oughtta be on "Merv Griffin." [They laugh and laugh. The Skinny One tries to wax philosophical.] THE SKINNY ONE: Hey, Fat One. THE FAT ONE: Yeah, Skinny One? THE SKINNY ONE: Did you ever have a dream there were clouds in your coffee? THE FAT ONE: Clouds in my coffee? [Billy storms out, brandishing his laser cannon.] BILLY: I heard that! Don't think I didn't hear that! Now, knock it off! COPS: Yes, sir! BILLY: I thought I said no more singing! THE SKINNY ONE: [scared] I-I-I s-swear, B-Billy... w-we wuz just t-talkin'. THE FAT ONE: Yeah, Billy. W-we were j-just enjoying the p-pleasing effects of T-T-THC. BILLY: I heard the lyrics from "You're So Vain." I hate that damned AM radio crap! THE SKINNY ONE: We were just sayin' the words, Billy. Not singin' 'em. BILLY: Well, from now on, I don't want you to even THINK 'em. THE FAT ONE: Y-yes, sir. BILLY: Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go sex up Keenan Wynn's granddaughter. You two go back to your "stoner cop" routine, but NO SINGING, NO SONG LYRICS, and NO RHYMING COUPLETS. [Billy skulks off, sneering.] [The Fat One and The Skinny One try to resume the scene, but their mellow has definitely been harshed.] THE FAT ONE: [stiffly] Are you in a state of preparedness to view an exhibition of the sport colloquially known as pigskin? THE SKINNY ONE: Yes. I am mentally and physically prepared to witness such a contest. [Pause.] THE FAT ONE: I believe that the residents of the United States who live below the Mason-Dixon line will one day resume the activities which they engaged in many years ago. THE SKINNY ONE: I heartily agree. [Lights slowly dim to black. A lengthy, uncomfortable silence is held.] [Suddenly, FROGGY, a gawky bespectacled nerd, tap dances onto the stage. He holds a cane and is dressed like George M. Cohan. He sings -- a cappella and tunelessly.] FROGGY: We go together like ramma lamma lamma! A ding gadi dinga dong! Remembered forever like shoo wha shoo! Wha shoo wha shoo! Yippidy boom che boom! Chang chang changity chang shoo bop! That's the way it should be! Waooo... Yeah! [Morricone-style music plays as Billy walks slowly onto the stage a la Eastwood in a spaghetti Western. He points the laser cannon directly at Froggy's head.] BILLY: Say your prayers, Deezen. [Nothing happens.] [A look of concern crosses Billy's face. He examines the laser cannon.] BILLY: Damned batteries! They died on me again! [Billy sulks away, defeated.] FROGGY: C'mon, everybody. He's gone! Let's sing! [All of the other cast members -- the teenagers and the stoner cops, plus two actors dressed as the TURTLE ALIENS -- run out onto the stage and sing to the tune of "We Go Together."] ENTIRE CAST: We go together like disco and Travolta, Dick Nixon and Jerry Ford! Though we revolt ya, We're the only cast that "Laserblast" could afford! So just hold your nose and hope There's no "Laserblast 2" Waooo... Yeah! [A MAGIC VAN is pushed onto the stage by STAGEHANDS. The two turtle aliens get in it. Wires lift the van up into the air and over the heads of the audience.] [A middle-aged HIPPIE runs onto the stage to point and gawk.] HIPPIE: Faaaaaaar out! [The houselights come up. The cast dance off the stage and up the theater aisles, singing "We'll always be together" over and over again.] [THE END]