===================================================================== THE EXFOLIATING ANGELS ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Angels Revenge" ===================================================================== [Lights up. Curtain rises. The setting is a smokey backroom with concrete walls and one bare lightbulb providing illumination. Several nefarious MEN are sitting around a table. These men are all played by celebrity look-alikes. We recognize: CHARLES NELSON REILLY, JOEY BISHOP, ROBERT CULP, JACKIE VERNON, and VICTOR BUONO. In case we don't recognize them, they are wearing large, prominent name tags. Reilly seems to be the ringleader.] REILLY: So it's agreed, gentlemen. We hide drugs in ice cream, then disguise our pushers as Good Humor men and send them out in phony ice cream trucks. NGONG! NGONG! BISHOP: That sounds like one hep, swingin', koo-koo kind of plan, babe. Don't you agree, Robert Culp? CULP: [sternly] Yes. [pause] I'm Robert Culp. BUONO: I'm Victor Buono, and I also agree with this plan. By the way, NBC is rerunning my "Columbo" next week. VERNON: [endearingly sad] Even I, Jackie Vernon, am excited about this plan. [Suddenly, the door is kicked in by TERRY, the tall wiry African- American stuntwoman with the big hair. She has an Uzi and is clad in a skintight white jumpsuit.] TERRY: Not so fast, jive turkeys! CULP: Jive turkey? Moi? The Culp-meister? [Reilly frantically writes something down with a magic marker on a blue index card. He holds up the card which now has a little cartoon turkey on it.] REILLY: Look! It's a turkey with platform shoes, shades, and a 'fro! [pause] It's a JIVE TURKEY! Get it? NGONG! NGONG! NGONG! [He tweaks the frames of his oversized glasses.] [KAKO, the Asian fox, charges into the room weilding a samurai sword. She cuts the "jive turkey" card in half. She, too, is wearing a white jumpsuit.] KAKO: Hiiiiiii-YA! This will teach you to sell that junk to kids, Mr. Charles Nelson Reilly. [pause] Incidentally, I loved you on "Ghost and Mrs. Muir." REILLY: Thanks, darling. That's sweet. NGONG! [Five more white-jumpsuit-wearing ANGELS charge into the room. There's sullen Larraine Newman lookalike ELAINE, dowdy schoolmarm APRIL, ditzy model MARIA, legendary singer MICHELLE WILSON, and TRISH the tawny teen tagalong. They're all heavily armed, except April who has a gigantic purse.] ELAINE: All right! Nobody move! APRIL: Yeah! I've got a grenade in my purse! [starts rummaging through ridiculous oversized purse] Oh! I know it's here somewhere! I'm a very organized person! Oh! MARIA: Stop pushing dope or we'll, like, bury you. BISHOP: Well, son-of-a-gon. MARIA: [notices Bishop] Hey, you're Jerry Lewis! BISHOP: Close enough, doll-baby. ELAINE: Maria! Don't flirt with the pushers! BUONO: [clearly reading from a script without emotion] And this must be the talented and fast-rising new singing sensation that all the kids are talking about, Michelle Wilson. [There's a pause. Somebody from offstage prods Buono with a broom handle.] BUONO: Oh! [looks down at the script] Please, Michelle, before you bust us for selling narcotics, would you please favor us with your latest chart-topping smash? [We hear a MAN'S VOICE from offstage.] MAN'S VOICE: She's not going to be doing any singing! [SONNY BONO, a few years after the divorce but a few years away from the political career, enters. He is dressed in a white suit and holds an old-fashioned tommy gun.] ALL: [amazed, in unison] Sonny Bono?!? REILLY: Uh, don't we mean Vic Santini, the crime boss? [Reilly "subtly" nods his head toward the audience as if to indicate, "Hey, there's an audience watching us, you know." The others ad-lib agreement: "Right." "Oh yeah." etc.] ALL: [in unison] Vic Santini?!? BONO: That's right, and I'm taking over. No jumpsuit-clad foxes are going to stop my schoolyard narcotics operation! You see, it's all about control. [The other actors roll their eyes. They've heard it all before. Here he goes again with the "control" bit.] BONO: Take those dogs over there. [Bono points offstage.] They're very loyal, but if I lost control for even a second, they'd tear me apart. So... who's to blame for letting things get out of control here? I think it was... [He looks around the room and finally settles his gaze on Victor Buono.] BONO: ...You! BUONO: No! I swear! I'm just doing this til the royalties from "The Mad Butcher" come in! BONO: Enough excuses! [calls the dogs] Chomper! Mangler! ATTACK BUONO! [Two actors dressed in dog suits run onto the stage and attack Sonny... er, I mean Vic Santini.] BONO: No, not me! I said Buono! Not Bono! You stupid dogs! [The dogs carry Bono off the stage. A pause.] REILLY: Well, this has been great, but I've committed to be on "Tattletales" this week. Toodles! NGONG! [Reilly exits.] BISHOP: And I'm booked at Caesar's. So that's my cue to skidoo. [Bishop exits, too.] VERNON: [calling after him] Hey! You need an opening act? BUONO: You need two opening acts? [Vernon exits, followed by Buono.] [The Angels are left on stage with Robert Culp. There's a pause.] CULP: I'm Robert Culp. [The Angels look disappointed.] [Lights dim. Curtain falls.] [THE END]