===================================================================== THE EXFOLIATING ANGELS ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Angels Revenge" ===================================================================== [Lights up. Curtain rises. The setting is a smokey backroom with concrete walls and one bare lightbulb providing illumination. Several nefarious MEN are sitting around a table. These men are all played by celebrity look-alikes. We recognize: CHARLES NELSON REILLY, JOEY BISHOP, ROBERT CULP, JACKIE VERNON, and VICTOR BUONO. In case we don't recognize them, they are wearing large, prominent name tags. Reilly seems to be the ringleader.] REILLY: So it's agreed, gentlemen. We hide drugs in ice cream, then disguise our pushers as Good Humor men and send them out in phony ice cream trucks. NGONG! NGONG! BISHOP: That sounds like one hep, swingin', koo-koo kind of plan, babe. Don't you agree, Robert Culp? CULP: [sternly] Yes. [pause] I'm Robert Culp. BUONO: I'm Victor Buono, and I also agree with this plan. By the way, NBC is rerunning my "Columbo" next week. VERNON: [endearingly sad] Even I, Jackie Vernon, am excited about this plan. [Suddenly, the door is kicked in by TERRY, the tall wiry African- American stuntwoman with the big hair. She has an Uzi and is clad in a skintight white jumpsuit.] TERRY: Not so fast, jive turkeys! CULP: Jive turkey? Moi? The Culp-meister? [Reilly frantically writes something down with a magic marker on a blue index card. He holds up the card which now has a little cartoon turkey on it.] REILLY: Look! It's a turkey with platform shoes, shades, and a 'fro! [pause] It's a JIVE TURKEY! Get it? NGONG! NGONG! NGONG! [He tweaks the frames of his oversized glasses.] [KAKO, the Asian fox, charges into the room weilding a samurai sword. She cuts the "jive turkey" card in half. She, too, is wearing a white jumpsuit.] KAKO: Hiiiiiii-YA! This will teach you to sell that junk to kids, Mr. Charles Nelson Reilly. [pause] Incidentally, I loved you on "Ghost and Mrs. Muir." REILLY: Thanks, darling. That's sweet. NGONG! [Five more white-jumpsuit-wearing ANGELS charge into the room. There's sullen Larraine Newman lookalike ELAINE, dowdy schoolmarm APRIL, ditzy model MARIA, legendary singer MICHELLE WILSON, and TRISH the tawny teen tagalong. They're all heavily armed, except April who has a gigantic purse.] ELAINE: All right! Nobody move! APRIL: Yeah! I've got a grenade in my purse! [starts rummaging through ridiculous oversized purse] Oh! I know it's here somewhere! I'm a very organized person! Oh! MARIA: Stop pushing dope or we'll, like, bury you. BISHOP: Well, son-of-a-gon. MARIA: [notices Bishop] Hey, you're Jerry Lewis! BISHOP: Close enough, doll-baby. ELAINE: Maria! Don't flirt with the pushers! BUONO: [clearly reading from a script without emotion] And this must be the talented and fast-rising new singing sensation that all the kids are talking about, Michelle Wilson. [There's a pause. Somebody from offstage prods Buono with a broom handle.] BUONO: Oh! [looks down at the script] Please, Michelle, before you bust us for selling narcotics, would you favor us with your latest chart-topping smash? MICHELLE: Well, all right. [The lights are dimmed. STAGEHANDS push a giant rainbow made of colored lights onto the stage. Spotlights hit Michelle and the other Angels as they walk upstage and face the audience. The drug dealers look around, realize this is their chance to escape, and exit. The Angels are oblivious.] [Percussion intro begins.] TERRY: Hey, girl! What you wearin' with those boots? MICHELLE: Can't you see? I'm into jumpsuits! [Music begins -- uptempo early 1960s pop. Michelle sings lead, the other angels join in on backing vocals.] MICHELLE: Let me tell you 'bout a fashion trend. Mama's hoping that it's gonna end. But I hope... that it'll last forever. You gotta see the way they push my boobs together. I gave my money to the thrift store man. I need some slutty outfits to show off my can. Now I know... walkin' down the street, The men are gonna treat me like a piece of meat, yeah! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: Mama said they look so trashy! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: But I just think they're really flashy! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: Gimme, gimme some thrust! Jumpsuits -- they show off my bust! When the Angels are out on the town, We don't wear vinyl hot pants or a sequined gown. ANGELS: Dressed like clowns! MICHELLE: Ooh! It's such cheap titilation. We're wearing white jumpsuits all over the nation! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: Mama said that they look trashy! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: But I just think they're really flashy! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: I'm gonna srut my stuff. You'll be wearing white jumpsuits soon enough! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! Jumpsuits! Jumpsuits! How do you do it? MICHELLE: You suck in, suck in your gut. Make sure it fits snug around your boobs and butt! Then you inhale and zip up, say a little prayer! You'll be wearing white jumpsuits ALL: Ev-e-ry-where! [Percussion interlude.] APRIL: [spoken] Testify, Little Trish! [Little Trish steps forward to speak.] TRISH: Hey, girl! I have a dream very late at night. I want a suit one size too tight. [Music resumes.] ANGELS: Jumpsuits! Jumpsuits! Jumpsuits! Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: Shine your lo-o-ove! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: Shine your love, shine your lo-o-ove! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: Shine your love, oh-woah! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: Well, Mama said that they look trashy now! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: But I just think they're really flashy! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: Just gimme, gimme some thrust! Oh-woah! Shine your love now! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: Well, Mama said that they look trashy now! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: But I just think they're really flashy! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! MICHELLE: Just gimme, gimme some thrust! Oh-woah! Shine your love now! ANGELS: Jumpsuits! Jumpsuits! [Music fades out. We hear prerecorded applause.] MICHELLE: Thank you. And as always, Las Vegas is the best place to put on a one-act play in the world. [beat] Hey, where did the drug pushers go? [She looks around. The other Angels are clueless. They shrug.] [Blackout.] [Curtain falls.] [THE END]