===================================================================== BACKSTORY: THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Beast of Yucca Flats" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the main stage and a large, well-appointed living room set. The lighting is very soft, yet gives the furniture an odd kind of glow. Onto the set walks JOHN BURKE, a well-dressed, soft-spoken man who looks about 20 years too young to be hosting movies on American Movie Classics. Nevertheless, he is.] JOHN BURKE: Good evening, and welcome to "Backstory." I'm your host, John Burke, and tonight on the program we're going to be taking a look at the making of the Coleman Francis classic "The Beast of Yucca Flats." [As he's not looking where he's going, JOHN bumps into a chair. He pretends not to notice.] JOHN BURKE: Made in 1961, this was Francis's directorial debut, and it's a film that he also wrote, produced, edited and appeared in. Francis was one director who took the auteur theory put forth by the French film magazine "Cahiers du Cinema" to heart. [Still not looking where he's going, JOHN bumps into a table, knocking over a lamp. This time he can't ignore it because it shatters on impact. Still, he soldiers on.] JOHN BURKE: Oops. Er, in fact, when the film's soundtrack was accidentally erased during post production, Francis took it upon himself to provide the voice-over narration that made "The Beast of Yucca Flats" an instant classic. This technique can be seen as a forerunner of the films of Terrence Malick, in which offscreen characters provide narration that is, at times, unrelated to the action onscreen. [At this point JOHN runs into a couch, loses his balance and flips over the back, landing on the floor. He immediately rights himself.] JOHN BURKE: Coleman Francis was a secretive director, so no behind- the-scenes footage from the film exists, but one man who was there every step of the way was Anthony Cardoza, who co-produced with Francis and also played a bit part as a KGB agent. [The lights go out on the main stage and up on a smaller set with a backdrop and a chair in which sits an old, wizened ANTHONY CARDOZA. In front of him is a piece of glass with white type on it which reads "ANTHONY CARDOZA -- Writer/Producer/Director." Just as he opens his mouth to speak, there is the sound of a tray and a couple of glasses being knocked over on the main stage. CARDOZA glares in the direction of the sound.] JOHN BURKE: Sorry, that was me. Sorry. [Satisfied that the commotion has ceased, CARDOZA turns back to the audience.] CARDOZA: I hooked up with Coleman after first working with Ed Wood on a TV pilot called "Final Curtain" and the feature film "Night of the Ghouls," in which I played the role of Tony. People think all you have to do is put money into a film and the director has to put you in it, but it doesn't work like that. Ed saw that I had real talent, and it's thanks to him that I caught the acting bug. [While he talks, a STAGE HAND enters and removes the piece of glass.] CARDOZA: It was also on "Night of the Ghouls" that I met Tor Johnson. Tor was such a character. There was one time when he got plastered, drank a full gallon of wine, at my house. And he just went down on the floor, just rolled over, and it took six of us to put him in the back of a pick-up truck, to get him home. I could tell you some stories about Kenne Duncan, too-- OFFSTAGE VOICE: Get to the point. CARDOZA: Oh, right. Well, after getting my feet wet with Ed, I decided to strike out on my own, and that's how I came to produce "The Beast of Yucca Flats." Coleman had a sure-fire idea about a defecting Russian scientist who gets caught in an atomic test and is transformed into a bloodthirsty beast, and I knew just the right beast for the job. [A pause. CARDOZA looks around, uncomfortable.] CARDOZA: Umm, aren't you going to cut away from me now? Hello? Is anybody there? [Impatient, CARDOZA gets up and leaves the set.] CARDOZA: Bunch of amateurs, these guys. Sheesh. [He exits. The lights go out onstage and a white curtain comes down. The bumper music from "Backstory" plays.] ANNOUNCER: We'll be right back to "Backstory: The Beast of Yucca Flats." But first, here's an irritating commercial break. [A light comes on behind the curtain, casting a large shadow of BEN FRANKLIN onto it.] BEN FRANKLIN: Hello, I'm Ben Franklin and I would like to talk to you about something near and dear to my heart -- Puerto Rico. [A slide projector is turned on, projecting a slide of Puerto Rico onto the curtain next to BEN.] BEN FRANKLIN: Yes, Puerto Rico. Land of adventure and beaches and art and rum and stuff. And if you start keeping a budget and stick to it, you just might be able to save enough money to go there in your lifetime. [The slide is changed to a picture of a turkey.] BEN FRANKLIN: And if you don't, you'll feel like-- Well, you know. [The slide projector is turned off, leaving only BEN's corpulent shadow.] BEN FRANKLIN: I'm Ben Franklin for Puerto Rico. Thank you, and may God save your souls. [The light is turned off and BEN's shadow fades to black. A pause. The stage remains dark for about ten seconds. A phone buzzes. The ANNOUNCER answers it, off-mike.] ANNOUNCER: What? We couldn't sell any more commercials for this program? What about in-house promos? Okay, if that's what you want. [The ANNOUNCER clears his throat, back on the mike. He is accompanied by the bumper music again.] ANNOUNCER: And now back to "Backstory: The Beast of Yucca Flats." [The white curtain rises and the lights go up at the same time. We are now in a recording studio. To one side is the control booth, which is occupied by an ENGINEER, who is eating a sandwich. The recording booth is currently unoccupied. JOHN BURKE walks out into the space between them.] JOHN BURKE: Welcome back to the program. We're now going to skip the production of the film because no no one else involved in the making of "The Beast of Yucca Flats" would consent to appear on camera -- except of course for Conrad Brooks, but we turned him down. Instead, we're going to show you a re-enactment of the recording session that produced the film's distinctive voice-over narration. This is based on a transcript taken straight from the master tape as Coleman Francis recorded it, so you can be assured that we're not just inventing stuff to fill out the rest of our running time. Coleman? [He turns upstage as he reaches the lip of the stage and somehow manages to fall into the orchestra pit. As he does so, a dumpy, bald, Curly Howard doppleganger enters the recording booth. He is, of course, COLEMAN FRANCIS, and he is looking uncharacteristically upbeat.] COLEMAN: Okay, Titus. I'm back from lunch, and I'm ready to finish the narration. [The ENGINEER turns and speaks to COLEMAN over the intercom.] ENGINEER: All right, Mr. Francis. I'll be ready in a moment. COLEMAN: Good. Because I'm feeling inspired right now. [While COLEMAN talks, the ENGINEER wolfs down the rest of his sandwich.] COLEMAN: I was in the middle of my egg salad when suddenly it hit me: I need to be more relaxed about this. I need to go with the flow. The last thing I need to be doing is censoring myself. Extemporaneous -- that's my watchword. Whatever comes into my head, that's what I'm going to say. And I'll find a way to make it work, you can stake your life on that. [The ENGINEER gets the tape rolling.] ENGINEER: All right, Mr. Francis. We're rolling. COLEMAN: You know, I was thinking about what we recorded this morning, and it's boring, you know? It's flat. It has no pizzazz. Sure, it describes what's happened on screen at that particular moment, but what about some philosophy? What about some existential dread? ENGINEER: We're recording, Mr. Francis. COLEMAN: Think about our main character, Joseph Javorski. How did he get to be the way he is? I'll tell you. It's easy. Touch a button. Things happen. A scientist becomes a beast. ENGINEER: A very compelling story, Mr. Francis. COLEMAN: And not just a beast, but a Beast with a capital B. The Beast of Yucca Flats. Always on the prowl. Looking for something or somebody to kill. Quench the killer's thirst. ENGINEER: That'll really pack 'em in, Mr. Francis. COLEMAN: Vacation time. Man and wife. Unaware of Scientific Progress. ENGINEER: Umm, what was that about progress? COLEMAN: Joe Dobson. Caught in the wheels of Progress. ENGINEER: Skipping around a bit, aren't you? COLEMAN: Progress. ENGINEER: Okay, I get it. Progress. Thank you. COLEMAN: And speaking of thirst, what about the boys? ENGINEER: What boys? COLEMAN: Boys from the city. Not yet caught in the whirlwind of Progress. Feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs. Sugarcane for soda pop grown on Progress Island, U.S.A. ENGINEER: But, but your film doesn't take place on an island. COLEMAN: Nothing bothers some people, not even flying saucers. ENGINEER: Whoa, that came out of left field. COLEMAN: Flag on the moon! ENGINEER: Huh? COLEMAN: Flag on the moon. How did it get there? ENGINEER: I don't know, Mr. Francis, but you really should stick to what your movie's actually about. COLEMAN: Yucca Flats. The A-bomb. ENGINEER: Okay, that's more like it. COLEMAN: A man runs. Somebody shoots at him. ENGINEER: Still random, but more to the point. COLEMAN: Twenty hours without rest and still no enemy. In the blistering desert heat, Jim and Joe plan another attack. Find the Beast and kill him. Kill, or be killed. Man's inhumanity to man. ENGINEER: Okay, this is good. You're on a roll, Mr. Francis. COLEMAN: Joseph Javorski. Noted scientist. [There is a long pause. COLEMAN appears to be lost in his own private Idaho.] ENGINEER: Then again, maybe not. All right, looks like you're out. Good work, Mr. Francis. [The ENGINEER is about to stop the tape when COLEMAN suddenly comes to life.] COLEMAN: Talk about inhumanity. You work hard. You play bit parts in B movies for years and where does it get you? It gets you nowhere. It certainly doesn't get you noticed. ENGINEER: Okay, I think that'll do. COLEMAN: You know who the real Beast is? The Hollywood machine. It chews you up and spits you out and never gives you an onscreen credit, even when you have more than one line. ENGINEER: Umm, I think we're finished, Mr. Francis. COLEMAN: I could have played the Beast, but Tony insisted on a name star for the part. Tor Johnson, "Guest Star." I could have played the Beast. I would have been a great Beast. I would have been the best Beast Yucca Flats ever saw. ENGINEER: Mr. Francis, you're starting to scare me. COLEMAN: It's the same old story. Man has idea for film. Other man has money. Man with money gets to say who goes in film. Man with idea has to content himself with bit part of Man at Service Station. ENGINEER: Mr. Francis, I'm going to get somebody who can help you. I'll be right back. [The ENGINEER leaves the control booth.] COLEMAN: Sure, man with idea got to feed dog on camera, but man with money got more screen time. Well, no good crying over spilled milk. Or something. [COLEMAN shakes his head, coming out of it.] COLEMAN: Man, what have I been saying? Are we still recording? Titus? [He looks, but sees that the control booth is empty. The ENGINEER enters the recording booth with a MAN with a hypodermic needle. He may or may not be a doctor; it doesn't really matter.] COLEMAN: Oh, there you are. How did I do? ENGINEER: Mr. Francis, stay right there and everything will be all right. [The MAN with the hypo takes COLEMAN's arm and swabs it with a ball of cotton.] COLEMAN: I think I spaced out for a minute there. Must have been something in that egg salad. MAN: Better safe than sorry, then. Now, this will hurt a great deal. [He sticks COLEMAN, who cries out. Then he goes limp, slumping out of his chair and onto the floor. The MAN looks at the ENGINEER.] MAN: Well, my work is done here. [He exits. The ENGINEER then reaches down and attempts to drag COLEMAN out of the booth. He can't shift him. He whistles and a harness is lowered from the rafters. The ENGINEER puts COLEMAN in the harness, gives two tugs on the rope, and COLEMAN is raised out of view. Clapping his hands, the ENGINEER exits. Lights fade to black. After a moment, a spotlight picks out JOHN BURKE as he is wheeled out onto the stage in a wheelchair, enveloped in a full body cast. An ORDERLY pushes him, being careful not to bump anything.] JOHN BURKE: After Coleman Francis recovered from his mental breakdown -- and promised Anthony Cardoza the lead in their next picture -- he set about the task of completing the soundtrack of his debut, adding sound effects and library music -- and his narration. Remarkably, some of his more obscure ravings actually made it into the film, making "The Beast of Yucca Flats" the classic we all know and love. Tune in next time when "Backstory" will look at the making of Carrot Top's "Chairman of the Board." Until then, I'm John Burke for American Movie Classics. [Sound of a rope snapping under stress. The ORDERLY looks up and quickly runs offstage. A moment later, COLEMAN FRANCIS falls on top of JOHN BURKE, crushing him to death.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== RECENT ADDITIONS TO THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAY PROJECT ===================================================================== [204] That Darn Catalina Caper (Or: "Never Steal Anything Wet Again") [423] Bride of the Monster Revisited [424] The Manos Who Came to Dinner [M01] This Island Earth Doesn't Shine for Me Anymore [812] Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Incredibly Strange Creatures (But Were So Mixed Up You Forgot to Ask) You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm