===================================================================== GRUMPY OLD SHE-CAT WITH WHIPPED CREAM ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Kitten with a Whip" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the interior of the well-appointed house of an extremely well-off man. The stage is split into two levels and there is a railing in front of the upper level, which leads to a number of doorways. Presently, the well-off man himself enters through one of them. It is none other than DAVID STRATTON (not to be confused with John Sayles regular David Strathairn). He's a little gray around the temples because a couple decades have passed since the events in the movie, but he hasn't changed all that much, expect for the fact that he is now SENATOR DAVID STRATTON, having been unimpeded in his political career by his run-in with the unpredictable Jody Dvorak. DAVID is dressed in a tuxedo and is carrying a suitcase for his wife, VIRGINIA, who follows him in from the bedroom, dressed for travel.] VIRGINIA: Oh, David. Are you sure you can't come with me? It's not every day you get to be present for the birth of your seventh grandchild. DAVID: No, and it's not every day that I get to eat with the President of the United States at a $1,000 a plate dinner, either. Besides, the way Cathy pops them out, I'm sure I'll have a chance to see number eight. VIRGINIA: You're probably right. Here, I'll take that. [She takes the suitcase from him and he opens the door for her.] DAVID: You have a safe trip. VIRGINIA: I will. Now, don't get into any trouble while I'm gone. [Intense bongo drumming is heard just offstage. DAVID instinctively tenses. When it stops, he relaxes.] DAVID: I won't. See you in about a week. VIRGINIA: Bye. [She exits. DAVID closes the door. Almost immediately, the phone rings. He walks over to it and answers it.] DAVID: Hello? [The bongo drumming is heard again. DAVID panics.] DAVID: Oh, my God. [He hangs up. The drumming stops.] DAVID: Just when I thought I had gotten out of the habit of picking up the phone! [He walks over to the liquor cabinet and pours himself a drink to calm his nerves. As he drinks it, the phone rings again. This startles him, but not as much as the sound of a window breaking in one of the upstage rooms.] DAVID: What the-- [As he puts his drink down and goes to investigate, his machine answers.] DAVID'S VOICE: [on machine] Hello, you've reached the home of David and Virginia Stratton. We can't come to the phone right now because we're probably out campaigning for governor, but if you leave a message, I'll call you back. [There is a beep. It is followed by an extremely familiar voice, that of then-president RONALD REAGAN. DAVID only half-listens as he silently makes his way to the bottom of the stairs.] REAGAN'S VOICE: Hello, Senator Stratton. This is Ronald Reagan, but you probably already guessed that. I think we got cut off a minute ago. Anyway, I'm calling you personally to let you know that Nan and I are running a little late today, but we will definitely make it to your fundraiser tonight, so don't worry. We'll see you later. [REAGAN hangs up. Tense bongo music plays as DAVID reaches the bottom of the stairs. It reaches a climax when JODY DVORAK, 20 years older and apparently not dead, emerges from one of the rooms at the top of the stairs. She's wearing pajamas from a mental hospital and little else. DAVID is stunned. The bongo music stops.] JODY: David, I'm back! Did you miss me? DAVID: Jody, what the heck are you doing here? I thought you were dead! JODY: Dead? No, I'm not dead. Can a dead person do this? [She does a cartwheel down the stairs which ends in a split right in front of DAVID. Because of her age, however, she pulls something and DAVID has to help her up.] DAVID: No, a dead person cannot do that. JODY: Then I'm not dead, see? DAVID: But Sgt. Enders told me you had died after telling police your version of the car accident outside of Tijuana. JODY: The one in which you were completely unimplicated and therefore able to continue with your political career? DAVID: That's the one. JODY: Oh, well, that's because he was lying to you. And he wasn't a real cop. That was my uncle. He owed me a favor. DAVID: So if you didn't die, what happened to you? It's been, what, 20 years, hasn't it? JODY: Oh, I've been in and out of mental hospitals. Mostly in, though. Turns out I'm manic depressive. DAVID: You don't say. Is that where you just came from, the mental hospital? [JODY looks away, ashamed.] DAVID: What, did you break out? And did you have to stab another nurse in order to do so? JODY: [suddenly defiant] No, this time I had help. I hope you don't mind if I brought company. [To the accompaniment of more bongo music, BUCK appears at the top of the stairs, apparently also alive and well, and wearing a sweater. He carries himself with the swagger of a disaffected youth, even though he's in his early forties.] BUCK: Hey there, loser. What's shaking? DAVID: Buck? But how can this be? [Right on BUCK's heels, RON enters, still wearing his trademark suit and golf cap.] RON: That's a good question, David. Real philosophical. I majored in philosophy, so I know. DAVID: Ron? But both of you were killed instantly! RON: Hey, man. I feel no pain. DAVID: I don't believe this. Wait, let me guess. Your uncle lied about them, too, right? [He stares daggers at JODY, who grabs the drink and throws it in his face.] JODY: Now how much do you hate me, lover? [DAVID takes JODY by the shoulders and shakes her.] DAVID: A lot! I hate you a lot! I will not let you do this to me again! I'm an influential congressman! I know people in high places! I'm on important senatorial subcommittees and I'm going to be governor of this state, damnit! [BUCK comes down the stairs, aggressive. RON tries to restrain him.] BUCK: Hey, watch it! That's my girl you're manhandling. RON: Cool it, Buck. Rise above it. BUCK: [turning on him] No, *you* rise above it, creep. RON: There is nothing for me to rise above, Buck. I'm just a tree being blown by the breeze. I may sway from time to time, but nothing can uproot me. BUCK: Oh, shut up! I'm sick and tired of you and your "holier man than thou" attitude. [BUCK takes out an old-fashioned razor and slashes RON's arm with it to the accompaniment of frantic bongo playing. It is a deep cut and RON begins bleeding profusely through his suit jacket.] DAVID: Oh, great. Not again. [He lets go of JODY, who rushes to RON's side.] JODY: Ron, are you all right? RON: I...feel...no...pain. JODY: Buck, get a towel or something. BUCK: Like I know where the towels are in this joint. [JODY looks to DAVID, pleadingly. RON is looking woozy.] JODY: David, help us. DAVID: Oh, no. Not this time, lover. I know where this is heading. First we'll use something to stop the bleeding. Then I'll be forced to drive everyone to Tijuana so we can take Ron to a doctor. Then somehow everything will end up in a two-car accident on the way back to California and I'll miss my $1,000 a plate fundraising dinner with the Reagans. Well, I won't have it, I tell you. I'm calling the cops right now! [He goes to the phone. JODY lets go of RON, who slumps to the floor, passed out.] JODY: I wouldn't do that if I were you. DAVID: And why not? [As he picks up the phone and dials, JODY produces a cream pie from out of nowhere.] JODY: I'll show you why, lover. DAVID: [ignoring her] Hello, operator? Patch me through to-- [Just then, JODY tosses the pie, hitting DAVID right in the kisser. This is, of course, done to the lilting sounds of bongo music. DAVID is stunned.] DAVID: Never mind. [Beaten, he hangs up the phone.] JODY: I told you you had a bad habit of picking up the phone. Come on, Buck. Let's split this joint. BUCK: Fine with me. This is Squaresville, man. Loser central. [As they walk to the front door, DAVID clears the cream away from his eyes.] DAVID: Now, just a minute, you two. BUCK: Hey, leave me out of this, man. I'm neutral, dig? DAVID: Fine, then. Jody, you cannot just waltz back into my life with your faux-beatnik friends and then leave one of them bleeding to death on my living room rug. JODY: Why, of course I can! I'm unpredictable that way, you know. [She turns and opens the front door.] DAVID: Wait, if you're leaving, could at least do me one favor? After all I've done for you. JODY: And what's that, lover? [DAVID opens a closet, revealing a HIPPIE who plays a stinger of his bongos.] DAVID: Could you take this damned bongo player with you? JODY: Sure thing, lover. Buck? [As the HIPPIE continues to play enthusiastically, BUCK goes to the closet and grabs him, manhandling him all the way out the door. Once they're out of hearing range, DAVID relaxes.] DAVID: Thanks. Well, Jody, I'd say it's been nice seeing you again, but I hope I never see you again. [JODY sidles up to him, very seductively.] JODY: You won't, lover. [She cozies up to him and then, just as suddenly, changes her tune, turning threatening.] JODY: Unless, of course, you ever decide to run for president. [She leaves that hanging for a moment and exits, closing the door behind her. DAVID shakes his head and looks at the prone figure of RON on the floor.] DAVID: Well, I guess I'd better get this cleaned up. [He picks up the phone and dials a number.] DAVID: Hello, Secret Service? I have a code 2639 at my home. Yes, I can hold. [While he holds, he wipes some more of the pie off the face. He looks thoughtful.] DAVID: Hmm, president... [Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== RECENT ADDITIONS TO THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAY PROJECT ===================================================================== [421] Wake Me Up Before You Monster a-Go Go [SHORTS] A Child's Garden of One-Act Plays [SHORTS2] A Child's Second, Smaller Garden of One-Act Plays You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm