===================================================================== NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS, HERE'S THE SKYDIVERS ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Skydivers" ===================================================================== LIST OF CHARACTERS ------------------ REVEREND FRANCIS, a menacing clergyman BETH ROWE, a 30ish brunette with helmet hair JOE MOSS, a doughy man who enjoys coffee JIM, a goofy photographer with "Eraserhead" hair SCOTSMAN, a walking stereotype GIANTESS, a giantess JIMMY BRYANT AND THE NIGHTJUMPERS, a rock & roll combo MOURNERS, assorted barflys, ne'er-do-wells, etc. HARRY ROWE, a dead greaser SCENE: Somewhere up in the high blue sky. TIME: A lovely afternoon in 1963. [Lights up. Curtain rises. The set is designed to look like the cabin of a small airplane. We hear the sound of the propeller, and there is a wind machine just offstage. There's a painted sky backdrop behind the plane. The "airplane" set is raised several feet off the stage so that it looks like it's in midair. There's a large door open on the side of the plane, allowing us to see in.] [Inside the plane are the stout, somber REVEREND and a group of mourners including BETH ROWE, the grieving widow; JOE MOSS; a SCOTSMAN complete with kilt and bagpipes; a GIANTESS wearing a leopard-print dress; JIMMY BRYANT and his NIGHTJUMPERS; and the excitable JIM, clutching a camera that can't weigh more than fifty pounds. The mourners are gathered around as the Reverend reads from the Bible in a harsh, sandpaper-y voice. Because of the noise of the airplane and the wind, the actors almost have to shout to make themselves heard.] REVEREND: "My soul is weary of my life. I will leave my complaint upon myself. I will speak of the bitterness of my soul." Amen. ALL: Amen. BETH: [slightly sad] That was the only passage of the Bible that seemed appropriate for Harry's funeral. The rest was all too upbeat. [She sighs.] JIM: Boy, Beth, what a neat idea having Harry's funeral in a plane! First a twist party, then a funeral! What a day! SCOTSMAN: Aye, laddie, ye got that right. I kinna remember a finer twist party in all me life. JOE MOSS: Are we going to have coffee? I like coffee. BETH: Uh, sure we will, Joe. But first, I think we should share our fond memories of Harry and say why we'll miss him. [Awkward silence. Everyone looks around the room, trying to avoid eye contact with Beth. Some people shuffle their feet, others cough. Jim snaps a picture of the other mourners.] BETH: Doesn't anyone want to go first? How about you, Joe? You were one of Harry's oldest friends. JOE MOSS: Well, uh... Harry Rowe was, um... Harry always tried to... He once let me borrow his Brylcreem. Or maybe that was someone else, I dunno. Did I mention that I like coffee? BETH: Yes, Harry did have his generous side, didn't he? Thank you for sharing that, Joe. Jim, you want to go next? JIM: Sure, Beth. I can't say that I knew Harry very well. But I did hide behind a stack of tires and take some photos of him eating his lunch. I think he was having a turkey club. That's what I'll always remember about him. The turkey club. JOE MOSS: You know what would go great with a turkey club? Coffee! A nice, hot cop of freeze-dried instant coffee. [A pause.] BETH: Er, how about you, Mr. McTavish? Do you have any special memories of Harry you'd like to share? SCOTSMAN: Ach, lassie, I dinna know the man. I just came for the twist party. BETH: I see. And you, Gargantua the Giantess? GIANTESS: I only met him once. He tried to put the make on me, so I kicked him right in the tender vittles. BETH: Oh. Didn't anyone here know my husband? JIMMY BRYANT: Well, I used to see him at the Skydiver bar a lot. BASSIST: He sure downed a lot of mai tais in that place. DRUMMER: Yeah. He used to come in there with that Suzy girl a lot. [to Beth] Uh, no disrespect, ma'am. BETH: None taken. REVEREND: [to Beth] You were his wife... nominally. Maybe you should say a few nice words about Harry. BETH: Good idea, Reverend. [clears throat] Harry Rowe was not a perfect husband... or even a good husband... or even an adequate husband, for that matter. In fact, the more I think about it, Harry was a cheat and a louse. Good riddance to him. [The other mourners all grumble in agreement. Suddenly, Jim steps forward to deliver a monologue. Dramatic music builds up during the following speech.] JIM: Nobody dast blame this man. You don't understand. Harry was a skydiver. And for a skydiver, there is no rock bottom to the life... until you wind up splattered on the cold, hard ground. He don't put a bolt to a nut, he don't tell you the law or give you medicine. He's a man way up there in the high blue sky, riding on a smile and a parachute. And when someone pours acid on your parachute causing it to disintegrate -- that's an earthquake. And then you plummet to your untimely death, and you're finished. A skydiver is got to dream, boy. It comes with the territory. [Music rises to a crescendo and then suddenly stops. A pause as Beth and the other mourners absorb Jim's moving words.] BETH: I still think Harry was an S.O.B. REVEREND: I say we jettison the bastard. Agreed? ALL: Agreed! REVEREND: Jim? Joe? You want to do the honors? [Jim and Joe retreat into another part of the plane and return with a cheap pine casket. They drag the coffin over to the door and open it to reveal the body of HARRY ROWE.] JOE: On the count of three, we ditch him. One... two... THREE! [Jim and Joe turn the casket on its side. Harry's body falls out the plane door and into a trench at the front of the stage.] ALL: Yay! REVEREND: Take us out, Jimmy Bryant and the Nightjumpers! DRUMMER: One, two, three, four! [The Nightjumpers launch into an upbeat, guitar-driven rock version of Chopin's "Funeral March."] GIANTESS: Everybody twist! [They do.] [Lights dim, curtain falls.] [THE END]