===================================================================== A VERY BLOODLUST CHRISTMAS ===================================================================== a one act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Bloodlust!" ===================================================================== [The stage is darkened. We hear the usual "jungle" sounds from every "Tarzan" movie, including "brrrrrr-ooooooo-ah-ah-ah."] [Lights up. Cutain rises to reveal the cavernous trophy room of rich, insane hunter BALLEAU. Most of the room is shrouded in darkness, but we can see a few of BALLEAU's "TROPHIES" -- humans who have been stuffed and mounted, all with terrified expressions frozen on their faces. These trophies are played by living, breathing actors who do their best to stand very, very still. They have strings of multi- colored lights and shiny tinsel wrapped around them.] [There is one thing about the room that's different from how we remember it in the movie -- a fireplace and mantle at stage left. And, yes, there are oversized stockings over the fireplace. They are marked BALLEAU, JONDOR, DRUNK GUY, BIGFACE LADY, etc.] [We hear the sound of sleighbells. A figure enters through the fireplace. Why, it's SANTA CLAUS -- jolly old St. Nick himself, with a sack of toys slung over his shoulder.] SANTA CLAUS: Merry Christmas! Ho-ho... [pauses] ...ho? [Santa takes a gander at his surroundings and looks worried.] [We hear a haughty, arrogant, condescending MAN'S VOICE.] MAN'S VOICE: Well, well, well. It looks as though we have a guest. How delightful. [A spotlight suddenly hits center stage, and we see BALLEAU, a doughy middle-aged man dressed in khaki hunting gear. He's been there all along, just hidden by the darkness.] BALLEAU: It's so rare that we have visitors here on the island. How nice of you to drop in. I'm Balleau, the master of this estate and owner of the entire island. And who might you be? SANTA: [trying to be jolly despite the fear] Why, I'm Santa Claus! [pause] Kris Kringle? [pause] Jolly St. Nick? BALLEAU: So you're a man with many aliases. A master of disguise? Is that your game, Mr. Claus? SANTA: No. I travel around the world, delivering toys to children on Christmas Eve. BALLEAU: And you feel that gives you the right to enter people's homes without an invitation? Around here, we call that "breaking and entering." SANTA: B-but... people love me. I... BALLEAU: Silence, Claus! [Balleau draws a pistol from his pocket and points it at Santa Claus.] BALLEAU: Now drop the bag. [Santa complies.] SANTA: Listen, Balleau. You've got it all wrong. I just came here to... BALLEAU: I said silence, Claus! SANTA: But, I just want to... [Balleau fires his pistol, grazing Santa in the shoulder.] SANTA: [agonized] AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! My jolly old shoulder! BALLEAU: You will learn very quickly, Mr. Claus, that there is only one way of doing things on this island -- my way. Now... who sent you? SANTA: Who... sent me? BALLEAU: Don't play games with me, fat man. Now tell me who sent you. SANTA: No one sent me! I swear! I'm just here to deliver presents! You must believe me. Haven't you heard of Santa Claus? BALLEAU: I vaguely remember my mother telling me tales of a "Santa Claus" when I was a lad. Of course, that was before my country sent me to war. SANTA: Yes, you were a sniper. BALLEAU: [greatly surprised] Yes! How did you know? SANTA: It's my job to know about everyone on my list, Balleau. BALLEAU: What do you know about me? SANTA: I know all about you. You like pimentos but not olives. Your favorite color is gray. You have the drunken sea captain bring people to your island where you hunt them for sport. And your nose wrinkles in the most adorable way when you laugh. BALLEAU: That's astounding. You've done your homework, Mr. Claus. SANTA: I've even brought you the Christmas gift that you've wanted ever since you were a child but your mother wouldn't let you have. BALLEAU: You mean...? SANTA: Yes, Balleau, a genuine Red Ryder BB gun. BALLEAU: [excited] Where is it? Where is it? SANTA: It's in the bag. Let me get it for you. [Santa starts to bend down. Balleau points the gun at him.] BALLEAU: You stay right where you are, toyboy. I'll get it. And get those mittens in the air where I can see them. [Santa reaches for the sky. Balleau approaches the bag of toys very carefully, opens it, and rummages through its contents.] BALLEAU: Oh, my! Here it is! [Balleau removes the BB gun and admires it.] BALLEAU: It's just like I pictured it. SANTA: What do you say, Balleau? BALLEAU: Thank you, Santa Claus. This is the best Christmas ever! [Music starts. It's the melody from "Walking in a Winter Wonderland."] SANTA: [sings] Sleighbells ring, are you listening? BALLEAU: [sings] On your brow, sweat is glistening. SANTA: A beautiful sight... BALLEAU: ...To watch you turn white. BOTH: Trapped in this forsaken island hell. SANTA: On your wall, there's a trophy. BALLEAU: I think her... name was Sophie. SANTA: A new Christmas thrill! BALLEAU: The joy of the kill! BOTH: Trapped in this forsaken island hell. SANTA: In the jungle, you could have a manhunt. BALLEAU: Tracking you just like a bird of prey. SANTA: You've shown everybody that you CAN hunt. BALLEAU: I've killed a dozen people just today. SANTA: Later on, though it's risky, BALLEAU: I'll drink twelve shots of whiskey. SANTA: You'll plan your next hunt. BALLEAU: Boy, aren't I a jerk? BOTH: Trapped in this forsaken island hell. Trapped in... this forsaken... island hell! [Music ends.] SANTA: Boy, that was fun! Well, I guess I'll be on my way! I've got a lot more secluded islands to visit tonight! [He turns and walks toward the fireplace. Balleau draws his pistol.] BALLEAU: Not so fast, Claus. I'm not through with you yet. SANTA: You're not going to... kill me, are you? BALLEAU: Why, of course not! Don't be silly. I find your lack of faith disturbing, Santa Claus. SANTA: Then what do you want, Balleau? BALLEAU: Would you... spend Christmas with me? I'm so very lonely. No one on the island likes me. SANTA: You've got me at gunpoint, Balleau. I don't see how I can say no. BALLEAU: Then it's settled! Hurrah! [The trophies spring to life.] TROPHIES: Merry Christmas, Balleau! [They sing the melody from "Hark the Herald Angel Sing" in falsetto.] TROPHIES: Loo loo loo Loo loo loo loooooo.... [Lights dim. Curtain falls.] [THE END]