===================================================================== GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE TOWNS ===================================================================== a one-act play by Craig J. Clark (cjclark@earthlink.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Girls Town" ===================================================================== [Lights up on the reception area of Girls Town. For a place run by nuns, it looks remarkably secular, save for the statue of St. Jude against the back wall. There are some tables around, and a fire extinguisher on the wall. At upstage left is a staircase, at downstage right is the front door, and there are doors leading to other rooms on the floor. A couple of TEENAGE GIRLS enter from one of these rooms. They are wearing dresses that look like they were made out of drab tablecloths. Despite this fact, they are talking animatedly.] GIRL #1: So, do you think the Mother Superior will allow us to watch television tonight? GIRL #2: I don't see why not. As long as we do our chores and nobody breaks the rules. GIRL #1: Good, because "Happy Days" is on tonight, and I don't want to miss it. GIRL #2: I prefer "Laverne and Shirley." GIRL #1: Hey, you take your '50s throwback sitcom and I'll take mine. [They exit. A THIRD GIRL comes down the stairs carrying a suitcase. She stops at the foot of the stairs.] THIRD GIRL: It's weird. When I first came to this place, I couldn't stand it. Now I can't bear to leave. [As she heads for the front door a NEW GIRL enters, also carrying a suitcase. She is accompanied by SISTER SERAFINA, who 20 years earlier had crush on singer Paul Anka-- I mean, Jimmy Parlow.] NEW GIRL: Gawd, what a dump. Who runs this joint? SISTER SERAFINA: Mother Silver is in charge of Girls Town. NEW GIRL: Mother's a dirty word to me. THIRD GIRL: [as they pass each other] You'll learn. NEW GIRL: I've already learned too much. That's why I'm here. [The THIRD GIRL gives her a knowing look and exits out the front door. SISTER SERAFINA and the NEW GIRL stop outside one of the other doors.] SISTER SERAFINA: You wait right here. I'll get Mother Silver. [She exits. Left to her own devices, the NEW GIRL wanders over to the statue of St. Jude. MOTHER SILVER -- who may be 20 years older, but still has all of Mamie Van Doren's, uhh, attributes -- comes out of her office and sees the NEW GIRL. With a nod, she dismisses SISTER SERAFINA. MOTHER SILVER approaches the NEW GIRL.] MOTHER SILVER: That's St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes. NEW GIRL: [defiantly] Who asked you? MOTHER SILVER: What a tongue. You remind me of myself when I first came here. NEW GIRL: What, were you born a nun? MOTHER SILVER: No, I came here as a girl, like you. I was in some trouble, but instead of being locked up, I was sent to Girls Town. I understand you're in a similar predicament. NEW GIRL: So what if I am? [MOTHER SILVER takes her by the arm and leads her downstage.] MOTHER SILVER: I want us to understand each other. I know that you probably think this place is queersville and that you want to blast out of here as soon as possible. Well, don't be too hasty. You probably think I'm cracked or flip, but don't let outward appearances fool you. I may wear a nun's habit now, but I used to have some bad habits of my own. If you want to down some suds or smoke a nail from time to time, that's fine -- just don't let me catch you. And if you ever want to flap your plates at the Alexander Graham, just knock on my door and ask. Who knows? If you're really good, I might even let you be my henchman. How does that sound to you? NEW GIRL: [extremely confused] Huh? MOTHER SILVER: You're probably a little overwhelmed. That's quite understandable. Here, let me show you to your room. [They head for the stairs.] MOTHER SILVER: Now, while you're at Girls Town, we're going to teach you some skills that may be useful after you leave. There's dress alteration, typing, floor scrubbing -- you name it, we have a class for it. [As they ascend the stairs, SISTER SERAFINA enters with a duster. She goes to the statue of St. Jude and dusts its base. As she's doing so, JIMMY PARLOW -- 20 years older, but still looking very much like an adolescent -- enters through the front door. He is dressed in a suit that has definitely seen better days.] JIMMY: Serafina! [SISTER SERAFINA spins on her heels, shocked. JIMMY approaches her.] SISTER SERAFINA: Jimmy! What are you doing here? JIMMY: I've come back for you. I've had the last 20 years to think about the way I rejected you and I've come to realize that I made a mistake. I should have accepted your obsessive love when I had the chance. Sure, I've had lots of meaningless sex with Vegas showgirls and prostitutes of all shapes and sizes. Heck, I've even been in something approaching a meaningful relationship once or twice, considering my minor celebrity status, but nobody else has even come close to worshipping the ground that I walk on as you. Serafina, if it's not too late, will you marry me? [JIMMY takes her in his arms and kisses her passionately. SISTER SERAFINA is taken aback by all this, but recovers her composure, pushing him away.] SISTER SERAFINA: Jimmy, that was a long time ago. Besides, I'm Sister Serafina now. I've taken a vow. My husband is Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Plus, Mother Silver depends on me. [JIMMY takes her in his arms again.] JIMMY: But Serafina, I love you! I love you! Doesn't that mean anything? SISTER SERAFINA: [pushing him away] I loved you, too, Jimmy, but you humiliated me in front of all the girls when you denied me. Don't you remember? JIMMY: But...but I thought we made up after that. SISTER SERAFINA: Outwardly, it seemed to you like we did, but that day a little part of me died, the part that loved Jimmy Parlow. Goodbye. You'll pardon me if I don't see you to the door. [She walks away. JIMMY stops her with a single sung note.] JIMMY: [singing] Can--- [SISTER SERAFINA turns to look at him. As he continues to sing -- accompanied by an offstage GOSPEL CHOIR -- a piano is rolled into place in front of him.] JIMMY & CHOIR: [singing] Anybody--- find me--- somebody to-- love---? [He sits down and starts playing Queen's "Somebody to Love" on the piano. As he does so, BRIAN MAY, ROGER TAYLOR and JOHN DEACON are wheeled in behind him with their instruments and they join in just before the first verse. The offstage GOSPEL CHOIR continues to sing along, but it's rather complicated to put in dialogue form. Just imagine it, won't you?] JIMMY: [singing] Each morning I get up, I die a little, Can barely stand on my feet. Take a look in the mirror and cry, Lord, what you're doing to me. I have spent all years in believing you, But I just can't get no relief, Lord! Somebody, somebody, Can anybody find me somebody to love? [SISTER SERAFINA is deeply moved by this display. As JIMMY and the band get ready to start the second verse, though, in bursts an angry FRED ALGER -- also 20 years older, but not quite ready for his guest spots on "Night Court" -- holding a switchblade.] FRED: Hold it right there, daddy-o! [The music grinds to an uncertain halt. JIMMY rises dramatically.] JIMMY: Fred Alger! What are you doing out of jail? [FRED advances on him. The members of Queen look around, confused.] FRED: I've *been* out, Jimmy. And I've been looking for you. I've been meaning to pay you back for that bust back in '59. Well, guess what -- it's payback time. [He flips open the switchblade and passes it back and forth between his hands as he and JIMMY circle each other in the middle of the reception area. Suddenly, FREDDIE MERCURY -- dressed in a leather jacket and without his trademark mustache -- strides onstage.] FREDDIE MERCURY: Hey, Jimmy. If you no longer need by backup band, I'd like to take them back to Switzerland so we can record "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," okay? JIMMY: Okay, Freddie. [FREDDIE MERCURY exits, satisfied. While JIMMY is momentarily distracted, FRED throws a punch that lays him out. SISTER SERAFINA screams and rushes to prop him up. Meanwhile, the other members of Queen are wheeled out the way they came in. As they leave...] ROGER TAYLOR: Oy, did Freddie just call us his backing band? BRIAN MAY: Yes, I believe he did. ROGER TAYLOR: All right. That's it. I'm doing a solo record -- end of discussion. Okay, Brian? BRIAN MAY: Fine with me. ROGER TAYLOR: John? JOHN DEACON: Huh? ROGER TAYLOR: Oh, never mind. [And they are gone. Meanwhile FRED stands over the unconscious JIMMY and SISTER SERAFINA menacingly.] FRED: Ha! Got you, bean-brain. I just knew you would be a big pushover. SISTER SERAFINA: Oh, Jimmy! [MOTHER SILVER appears at the top of the stairs, still accompanying a now extremely confused-looking NEW GIRL.] MOTHER SILVER: Now, you're probably thinking Girls Town is all work and no play, but let me tell you, we know how to cut loose. Sometimes we listen to music on a record player we got from a nice young crooner a long time ago. We even have a crazy weenie roast from time to time. Yes, Girls Town has much to offer troubled girls. Why, it was my time at Girls Town that made me want to become a nun, and you can see how much it's... [As they reach the bottom of the stairs, MOTHER SILVER looks up and sees the tableau in front of her.] MOTHER SILVER: ...changed...me. Excuse me for a moment. [She walks over to the others.] MOTHER SILVER: What's this all about? What's going on here? SISTER SERAFINA: Oh, Mother Silver! It's Fred Alger. He punched Jimmy out just as he was expressing his love for me in song. [MOTHER SILVER gets right in FRED's face.] MOTHER SILVER: Fred Alger, huh? I might have known. FRED: *Mother* Silver? Boy, never in my wildest dreams did I figure you for the penguin type. MOTHER SILVER: Drop dead twice. FRED: Bury yourself. MOTHER SILVER: Goon! FRED: Knucklehead! MOTHER SILVER: Go bingle your bongo! FRED: It's on! [He takes a swipe with his switchblade, which MOTHER SILVER ducks. And thus begins a knock-down, drag-out fight between MOTHER SILVER and FRED. MOTHER SILVER manages to disarm FRED rather easily and during the course of the fight -- which SISTER SERAFINA and the NEW GIRL watch in horror and amazement, respectively -- they manage to break all of the tables in the reception area. It all ends when MOTHER SILVER grabs hold of the fire extinguisher and brains FRED with it. While he's down, she continues to kick him and strike him with the fire extinguisher.] MOTHER SILVER: This is for me! And this is for my sister! And this is for "The Christmas Song"! And this is for-- [SISTER SERAFINA leaves JIMMY's side to restrain her.] SISTER SERAFINA: Mother Silver, that's enough! He's done. He's not getting back up. [She forces MOTHER SILVER to put down the fire extinguisher.] SISTER SERAFINA: There. Now I'd better call the police and an ambulance -- again. [She exits into MOTHER SILVER's office, shaking her head. MOTHER SILVER is somewhat dazed, but manages to make her way over to the stairs, where she takes a seat. The NEW GIRL looks at her, amazed.] NEW GIRL: What did she mean by "again"? MOTHER SILVER: Oh, a couple years back Girls Town had a reunion and I somehow got into a tussle with two girls named Vida and Flo. Some might have called it a rematch. NEW GIRL: A rematch? MOTHER SILVER: Yeah, you would have thought it was all water under the bridge, but one look at Vida's ugly mug and I just had to clobber her for old time's sake. NEW GIRL: And what about Flo? MOTHER SILVER: Well, Flo tried to step in and she got reacquainted with the interior of her old locker. NEW GIRL: Mother Silver, how can you call yourself a nun when you're prone to such violence? MOTHER SILVER: Let's just say it's more kicks this way. [rises] Now, come on. Before the police come to question me, I'd like to show you the grave of Mother Veronica. She was the nun who had my position before me -- until she met with a fatal accident, that is. [They exit. After a few moments, JIMMY begins to come to.] JIMMY: Ow, what hit me? [He manages to prop himself up on his elbows and sees the prone body of FRED lying on the floor next to him.] JIMMY: Oh. [He conks out again. Blackout.] T H E E N D ===================================================================== RECENT ADDITIONS TO THE MST3K ONE-ACT PLAY PROJECT ===================================================================== [SHORTS2] A Child's Second, Smaller Garden of One-Act Plays [615] Grumpy Old She-Cat with Whipped Cream You can read these one-act plays and more at http://home.earthlink.net/~cjclark/mstplays.htm