=====================================================================
                    PINKY AND THE ATOMIC BRAIN
=====================================================================
        a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net)
=====================================================================
               based on the movie "The Atomic Brain"
=====================================================================

[Curtain rises.]

[Theme song fades in.]

SINGERS: They're Pinky and the Brain!
         Pinky and the Brain!
         One is atomic!  The other's insane!

[Theme song fades out.  Lights come up.  The set is designed to look
like the table in a laboratory.  There are giant beakers and test
tubes everywhere, plus a huge glass mouse cage.  Inside the cage are
two human actors, dressed in white mouse costumes.  One is short,
the other is tall, and we recognize them instantly as PINKY and THE
BRAIN.  They act and talk just like their animated counterparts.]

[Pinky is running happily on a wheel, just like Mike Nelson at the
beginning of "MST3K:TM."  The Brain is pacing back and forth.]

PINKY: Gee, Brain, isn't being in Dr. Frank's laboratory the most fun
       ever?  NARF!

[Pinky stumbles.  The wheel keeps spinning without him.  He's tossed
around like boxer shorts in a dryer, then falls out of the wheel
and lands on top of The Brain.  The Brain glowers and gives a pained
expression to the audience.]

[The mice get up.  The Brain makes a show of dusting himself off.]

THE BRAIN: What was that you were saying before you assaulted me,
           Leopold?
PINKY: I was saying how much I loved living in Dr. Frank's laboratory.
       We've got this great wheel to run on, all the scotch we can
       drink, plus that nice nude lady comes by and pets me sometimes.
       And at night, the disembodied narrator reads me bedtime stories
       from his back issues of "Lurid Confessions."
THE BRAIN: Are you forgetting what happened to Xerxes the cat?
PINKY: No.  But I think I'd like having my brain transplanted to the
       body of a Mexican woman.  [looks down at his own body]  I'll
       never get on "Sabado Gigante" looking like this.
THE BRAIN: Pinky, you imbecile!  Don't you see?  We must get out of
           here!  Soon!  But how?  HOW?

[The Brain paces, deep in thought.  Pinky paces right behind him in a
goofy imitation.  The Brain suddenly gets an idea and stops dead in
his tracks.  Pinky, of course, runs right into him.]

THE BRAIN: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: Gee, I think so, Brain, but I don't think Anthony Cardoza's
       auditioning mice for "Hellcats 2" right now.
THE BRAIN: Think, Pinky.  Who's funding this experiment?
PINKY: That nice old lady, Mrs. March.  [fondly]  She smells like
       Butter Rum Life Savers.
THE BRAIN: Precisely, Pinky.  And WHAT does Mrs. March want?
PINKY: A nice new body to replace her old wrinkly one.
THE BRAIN: Exactly.  So what do we have to do?
PINKY: [thinking] Write gushy fan letters to David Hasselhoff?
THE BRAIN: No, Pinky.  We have to... CREATE Mrs. March's new body!

[Sound of thunder.  Bright flash of lightning.  Very "Frankenstein."]

PINKY: Gee, Brain.  Sounds like fun!
THE BRAIN: Once we create this perfect new body, we'll get Mrs. March
           to sign over her money to us.  And with that money, we'll
           buy a controlling interest in AOL-Time-Warner and RULE THE
           WORLD!  [begins pacing again]  Now, let's see... we'll need
           styrofoam, some hot glue, an issue of "Cosmopolitan"...

[Pinky looks out and sees something.  A worried look passes over his
face.  He taps The Brain on the shoulder.]

PINKY: Uh, Brain...
THE BRAIN: Not now, Pinky.  I'm putting the final embellishments on my
           scheme to bilk that hatchet-faced old biddy out of her
           billions.
PINKY: But, Brain, you know that Mexican lady who had the cat's brain
       implanted in her head?
THE BRAIN: I'm fully aware of that situation, Pinky, and as much as
           I'd like to continue this fascinating discussion of ancient
           history with you, I've got work to do.  Now could you please
           let me get back to...
PINKY: Brain, she's headed this way.  Toward our cage.
THE BRAIN: So she's headed toward our cage.  So... [realization dawns]
           TOWARD OUR CAGE?
BOTH: [terrified]  AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

[They hug.  A gigantic papier-mache hand reaches in.  A shadow falls
over Pinky and the Brain.]

[Lights dim.  We hear chomping sounds.]

[Theme song starts.]

SINGERS: They were Pinky and the Atomic Brain
         Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!

[Theme song ends.  Curtain falls.]

                          [THE END]