===================================================================== TODAY IS THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "Beginning of the End" ===================================================================== [Lights up. Curtain rises. The stage is barren except for a massive photo of the Chicago skyline.] [Two actors dressed as GRASSHOPPERS walk onto the stage. They walk upright and speak English. The first grasshopper sounds like Dave Foley, the second like Woody Allen.] HOPPER #1: I thought he was good on "Mission Impossible." And he was so funny in "Airplane." [deep voice] "Have you ever seen a grown man naked?" [laughs] That was a riot! HOPPER #2: Yeah, I guess so, but I still say Jack Perkins is the best "Biography" host of all time. HOPPER #1: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one, Don. HOPPER #2: Yeah, I guess so, Barry. HOPPER #1: Still in all, though, this whole being fifty feet tall has been pretty neat, huh? HOPPER #2: [reluctantly] Er... yeah. I suppose. HOPPER #1: What's wrong it it? HOPPER #2: It's just that I can't help but feel that this violates the laws of physics. I mean, shouldn't we be collapsing under our own weight? HOPPER #1: Do you see anyone collapsing under his own weight, Don? HOPPER #2: Well... no. HOPPER #1: So what are you worrying about? HOPPER #2: It just seems like this is all too good to be true. HOPPER #1: Aw, quit being such a pessimist! HOPPER #2: I'm not being a pessimist. I'm being a realist. I know from experience that God is never that nice to us. That's why He made us grasshoppers. God hates grasshoppers. Read the Bible. Every time it mentions locusts, it's called a plague. HOPPER #1: That's locusts! We're grasshoppers! HOPPER #2: Eh, same difference. HOPPER #1: It's night and day. HOPPER #2: I think that from where God sits, we're all pretty much the same. Locusts, grasshoppers, what does He care? HOPPER #1: I just don't get you sometimes, Don. I mean, here we are, two gigantic grasshoppers out on the town, and all you can do is complain. C'mon, let's go have some fun. HOPPER #2: What's there for a giant insect to do in Chicago? HOPPER #1: Well, we could see a game at Wrigley Field. HOPPER #2: Nah. Doug and Eric ate Wrigley Field. Remember? HOPPER #1: Uh, we can stop by the Billy Goat and get some cheese- burgers. HOPPER #2: Cheeseburgers go straight to my thorax. Besides, I don't think I could fit down those stairs. HOPPER #1: Well, we could go down to Daley Plaza and get it on with the Picasso statue. HOPPER #2: Eh... not really my type. HOPPER #1: Wait! I got an idea! [Hopper #1 walks off the stage.] HOPPER #2: What are you doing? HOPPER #1: [off] You'll see. [Hopper #1 re-emerges, wearing a black fedora, black sunglasses, and smoking a cigarette. ] HOPPER #1: Dig me! I'm Joliet Jake! HOPPER #2: Aw, geez. How corny can ya get? HOPPER #1: C'mon, Don, be Elwood. HOPPER #2: [balking] Oh, Barry, I don't... HOPPER #1: Oh c'mon. Be a sport! HOPPER #2: Oh, all right. Just give me a second. [Hopper #2 walks offstage. He reemerges with an identical black hat, sunglasses, and cigarette. He also has a harmonica.] HOPPER #2: Are you happy now, Barry? HOPPER #1: Now do the voice. HOPPER #2: Do I have to? HOPPER #1: Please? For me? HOPPER #2: Oh, okay. For you. [imitates Dan Aykroyd] "We're on a mission from God." HOPPER #1: [laughs hysterically] Oh, that is perfect! HOPPER #2: [on a roll] "We're two 50 foot tall grasshoppers. We've been exposed to massive amounts of radiation. It's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses." HOPPER #1: [imitates Belushi] Hit it. [R&B music begins. Hopper #1 sings while Hopper #2 plays the harp.] HOPPER #1: She caught the katydit And left me an ant to ride. My baby caught the katydit And left me an ant to ride. My baby caught the katydit! Left me an ant to ride! Then I got sprayed with pesticide! Crazy 'bout that hard-exoskeletoned woman of mine! [Hopper #2 plays a harmonica solo.] [All of a sudden, the song is interrupted by a high-pitched siren.] HOPPER #2: Do you hear that, Barry? HOPPER #1: [excited] That's the mating call of the female grasshopper! There must be an orgy going on nearby! Let's go! HOPPER #2: Aw, gee, I don't know. I think this is another one of those too-good-to-be-true things. HOPPER #1: Are you crazy! This is a once-in-a-lifespan opportunity here! I'm not going let you waste it. Let's move. HOPPER #2: Oh, all right. [They exit. There's a pause. Then we hear yelling offstage.] VOICES: NO!!! AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!! [The two grasshopers walk back on the stage. They now have halos and wings. We hear celestial choir music.] HOPPER #2: I hate to say I told you so, Barry, but... HOPPER #1: Oh shut up, Don. [Lights dim. Curtain falls.] [THE END]