===================================================================== OH, BAT-TYPE LADY, IT'S A WILD WORLD ===================================================================== a one-act play by Joe Blevins (joeblev@concentric.net) ===================================================================== based on the movie "The Wild World of Batwoman" ===================================================================== [Lights up. Curtain rises to reveal elegant cocktail party in tony penthouse apartment. There's jazzy piano music playing, and the PARTYGOERS are having champagne, h'ors d'oeuvres and stiflingly banal conversation. The only difference is that they're all dressed as superheroes: leotards, capes, masks, the works. We recognize many familiar characters from both DC and Marvel history: HAWKMAN, WONDER WOMAN, GREEN ARROW, SPIDER-MAN, CAPTAIN AMERICA, THE INCREDIBLE HULK, the original line-up of the FANTASTIC FOUR, SUPERMAN, BATMAN, ROBIN, AQUAMAN, etc. Most of the guests are making their way around the room making idle chit-chat or visiting the wet bar, but our attention is focused on a group of partygoers at center stage who are standing in a semi-circle, having a conversation. This group includes Green Arrow, SUE and JOHNNY from the Fantastic Four, Batman, and Superman. Sue Richards is not invisible, and Johnny Storm is not on fire, but they are recognizable by their blue uniforms with the "4" insignia.] SUE: Could you give me a light please? JOHNNY: Oh sure. [The tip of Johnny's finger emits a small flame like a Zippo lighter, and he lights Sue's Virginia Slim cigarette.] SUE: Thanks. You're aces. JOHNNY: No problem. SUPERMAN: Can you BELIEVE Hawkman showed up for this? BATMAN: I know! I didn't think he would have the nerve after the scene he made in front the Hall of Justice. JOHNNY: [mock whisper] I heard he had been drinking. BATMAN: No way! Where'd you hear that? JOHNNY: [playful] Let's just say a little birdie told me. SUPERMAN: Was it Hawkwoman? JOHNNY: [sing-songy] I'll never tell. [Johnny pretends to zip up his mouth, lock it, and throw away the key.] SUE: What is up with that beard of Aquaman's? OTHERS: I know! BATMAN: God, who does he think he is? Kenny Rogers? JOHNNY: That bigot! He thinks he's too good to talk to us Marvel superheroes! SUE: Yeah. He's such a universe-ist. Ever since he broke up with Sub-Mariner, he's held a grudge against ALL Marvel characters. SUPERMAN: I know! [A new partygoer enters the apartment. It is BATWOMAN, a woman of a certain age wearing a thrift-store superhero get-up: leotards, corset, boots, a cape, and a silly mask that makes her look more like a hedgehog than a bat. There is a bat insignia (a battoo?) right at the apex of her... uh, décolletage. She is rather stiff and formal, and for some reason she reminds the playwright of Lily Munster.] [As Batwoman makes her way through the crowd, Sue notices her but then turns her head away and shields her eyes to avoid making eye contact.] SUE: Ohmygawd! Oh. My. God. JOHNNY: What is it? SUE: Don't look now, but Batwoman just walked in. OTHERS: No way! SUE: SHHHHHH! She'll hear you! Don't look! Don't look! [The group directs its eyes to the floor. They try to keep their voices down.] SUPERMAN: Who invited her? BATMAN: I know! She doesn't even have a comic book! JOHNNY: And that movie of hers! [rolls eyes] I mean, it makes "Captain America" look good. SUE: [to Batman] Didn't you two used to...? BATMAN: We went out twice. It was a nightmare. It was like dating my spinster aunt. And she has been, like, TOTALLY stalking me ever since. JOHNNY: God, how awkward this must be for you! BATMAN: I know! Tell me about it. I just hope she doesn't get all "Alanis Morrisette" on me. [Batwoman starts walking toward the group.] SUE: Uh-oh. Here she comes. BATMAN: Oh my god. SUPERMAN: Just try to stay cool, man. You're Batman. You can handle this. BATMAN: What I wouldn't give to be taking a nice warm bubble bath right now. [Batwoman approaches the group.] BATWOMAN: Why, hello! Fancy seeing all of you here! ALL: [feigning politeness] Hi! BATWOMAN: Sue, good to see you. You are looking fabulous! And that unitard is simply darling. Is it new? SUE: Oh, this old thing? I've had this for years. BATWOMAN: Well, it looks sensational on you. SUE: Thank you. You're looking great, too. Keeping your figure, I see. BATWOMAN: Why, thank you, Sue. How sweet of you to say that. And Johnny, you're looking handsome as ever. JOHNNY: Thank you, Batwoman. It's nice to see you. BATWOMAN: And there he is! The Man of Steel himself! SUPERMAN: Batwoman! Always a pleasure! BATWOMAN: Kiss, kiss. [They exchange air kisses. It's nauseating. All eyes now turn to Batman.] BATMAN: [coldly] Batwoman. BATWOMAN: [equally coldly] Batman. [Awkward pause.] BATMAN: Haven't seen you since the arraignment. BATWOMAN: Oh, has it been that long? BATMAN: Yep. So... how are things? BATWOMAN: Oh, same as usual. Dr. Neon's up to his old tricks. He and Heathcliff are running a telemarketing scam out of their basement apartment. BATMAN: [derisively, under his breath] Move over, Joker and Penguin. BATWOMAN: And we indoctrinated a new batgirl last night. BATMAN: [not interested] Oh, really? That's great. BATWOMAN: Yes, that makes 37 now. [pause] It'll be 36 when Tina goes on maternity leave. Oh, and Sherry's thinking about dropping out and going to cosmetology school, but I think we can talk her out of it. BATMAN: Mm-hmm. That actually brings up something I've wanted to talk to you about. BATWOMAN: Oh, yes? And what might that be? BATMAN: These, uh, "bat girls" of yours. BATWOMAN: What about them? Would you like me to lend them to you for your next adventure? BATMAN: Oh, no, nothing like that. BATWOMAN: What then? BATMAN: Well, I've been talking with my lawyers, and they seem to feel that your use of the term "bat girl" is a copyright infringe- ment. DC has its own Batgirl, and we'd hate to cause any confusion in the minds of the consumers. BATWOMAN: [getting ticked off] Oh, heaven forbid! Look, Batman, why don't we cut through the nonsense and get to what this is really about? BATMAN: And what is that? BATWOMAN: You're still mad that I dumped you. BATMAN: YOU dumped ME? Oh, that's rich. BATWOMAN: It happens to be true. You've always been obsessed with me. BATMAN: Oh, please. [to others] Do you hear this? This woman is out of her tiny, tiny mind. SUPERMAN: Look, let's not cause a scene. This is a party. [pause] C'mon, don't be like that. [Dead silence. No one seems to know where to look. It's horrendously awkward.] BATMAN: It's getting late. I think I'll head for home. JOHNNY: Oh, come on, Batman. It's only 10:30. Don't go. BATMAN: Yeah, but you know how it is. I've gotta track down the Riddler tomorrow, and there is so much paperwork I've gotta do back at the Batcave. Really, I have to get going. SUPERMAN: Well, okay. See you next Thursday at that "Hollywood Squares" taping. BATMAN: Yeah. Good night, everybody. ALL EXCEPT BATWOMAN: Good night, Batman. [He leaves. Another awkward pause.] BATWOMAN: Well, my girls will be wondering where I am. I hate to leave them with a sitter for this long. I'd better go home, too. [The others mumble some sort of half-hearted goodbye. Batwoman makes a rather theatrical, showy exit. The other heroes are silent for a few moments.] SUE: Did you guys totally see how those two were flirting? OTHERS: I know! [Lights dim. Curtain falls.] [THE END]